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We open on some horses having a gossip.
They're remembering last year's final episode when one farmer pulled a Blake Garvey and started dating his runner-up and another farmer turned up at the reunion with a random woman who slid into his DMs.
"That Blake Garvey guy didn't even stay with his runner-up hahaahaha."
It was a weird time for all of us.
The women have arrived from the Big Smoke and one of them has just announced that she's sold her house and left her job because she's leaving her life open to.... magic.
SOMEONE
NEEDS
TO
SHOW
HER
THE
LAST
SEASON
IMMEDIATELY.
It's time for the women to clap at the farmers for purely existing and seemingly being decent men.
"HE MADE... EYE CONTACT."
THE FARMERS ARE WEARING HATS AND ALSO BOOTS AND SAYING THINGS LIKE "G'DAY" AND "TRACTOR".
They're all very... attractive and maybe that one woman who blew up her entire life for this was onto something?
Farmer Will explains he came on the show because his friend was on season two of Farmer and he's now married with kids so it must work.
Mate, that was a time before MAFS, when people could genuinely meet on national TV without their fake TV wife cheating on them with someone else's fake TV husband and then that fake TV wife throwing red wine in your face during a televised dinner party.
Thems were simpler times.
Farmer Andrew says there's only 350 people in his hometown so if you fart everyone knows about it.
"It was the talk of the town."
Farmer Sam is only 25, but he's says he's ready for four kids - two boys and two girls - which results in half of his potential wives running back to the Big Smoke to the safety of their TikTok accounts.
Farmer Matt describes himself as a "normal Aussie bogan farmer".
Farmer Rob explains he had a partner who he was engaged to for 10 years and they just never got around to having the wedding.
He says the worst case scenario would be getting chased down the driveway by a group of angry women and it seems like he did watch last season.
The farmers and their wives break off into groups to get to know each other and then the farmers have 'speed dates' with each of their wives.
The next 30 minutes goes something like this:
THOSE BLUE EYES.
Blue eyes with the blue shirt, he really worked that out well.
I'M A MASSIVE BOGAN.
THERE'S A MASSIVE SPIDER.
I'm a bit of a bogan.
Have I hooked you yet?
I want, like, four kids.
THOSE EYES JUST PIERCE AT YOU. WOO.
ROB'S BEARD IS LUSH. I WANTED TO GET ALL UP IN IT.
I'D MACK ON WITH THE BEARD.
That's quite a wild head of hair you've got.
I LOVE ONE DIRECTION.
DO BLACK SHEEP HAVE BLACK WOOL AND BLACK TONGUES?
NO THEY HAVE WHITE WOOL AND BLACK TONGUES?
I'm going to Google that when I get home.
Look, he's a sexy man.
I think you're a catch.
You might have me hook, line and sinker.
Definitely, punching.
You go.
No, you go.
Please, you go.
I've dated bit I think I'm a bit of a love virgin.
Life is a rollercoaster, and love will keep you together.
What she said about love was really nice. She took it from a Ronan Keating song but other than that it was perfect.
AND RELAX.
The five farmers gather together to say things like "HERE HE IS" and "HERE'S THE BIG BOY" and debrief on their speed dates.
The farmers are reunited with their wives and they're told they have to limit themselves to just five wives each. It's hard for them because that's more than a 30 per cent reduction in wives.
Farmer Will goes first and chooses Jessica (THE WOMAN WHO GAVE UP HER WHOLE LIFE FOR THIS, MAGIC DOES EXIST), Kristina, Caitlyn, Jaimee, and Tammy.
Farmer Matt decides to take Brydie, Hayley, Alex, KJ, and Tara back to his farm.
Farmer Rob chooses Meg, Luce, Kate, Jodie, and Shannon.
Farmer Sam decides to take Mackenzie, Dayna, Nickia, Demi and Allannah back to the farm.
And finally Farmer Andrew chooses Jess, Caity, Lucy, Rachael, and Ash.
The farmers and their five wives re-ensemble in the barn. The farmers then have to choose just one wife to take back to the farm for the first 24 hours. That's a further 80 per cent reduction in wives.
Farmer Matt chooses Hayley.
Farmer Will picks Tammy.
Farmer Sam chooses Mackenzie.
Farmer Rob picks Meg.
And Farmer Andrew chooses Jess.
Back at the farms the horses have gathered together the rest of the animals and they're waiting patiently for the drama to begin.
UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT...
Keryn Donnelly is Mamamia's Pop Culture Editor. For more of her TV, film and book recommendations and to see photos of her dog, follow her on Instagram.
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