Can you tell what someone’s like in bed simply by looking at their face?

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Talk is cheap. If you really want to know what someone’s like, look at their face.

Well, that’s what Siang Mien devotees claim. The Chinese have been practising the art of face reading for more than 3000 years and say our features speak a secret language, telling all about our character and hidden desires. Don’t scoff just yet – there’s a certain logic to the craft.

We know for a fact no-one has an identical face, not even identical twins. That’s because no-one has identical personalities. The human face is capable of making 7000 distinct expressions – we might only use a mere few hundred of these in everyday life, but the expressions we use the most leave a mark on our faces.

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Face reading is fascinating stuff, and devotees claim it provides loads of clues to character, admittedly some of it varied and contradictory.

Here’s a round up of the supposed giveaway sexual signs. If you come out of it in a flattering way, it has to be true. If not… well, saying “Your eyebrows tell me you’re addicted to sex” is one hell of a good opener at a dinner party.

Eyebrows

Small and sparse: Zero interest in sex, major interest in zen. Think spiritual rather than sensual.

Thick and bushy: Sexually excessive. Feed with a steady diet of new erotic experiences or they’re likely to grab snacks-on-the-side.

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Eyes

Very pale eyes: Looking for new peaks and a quick fix. Easily sexually satisfied (good news if you just want sex), they attach little importance to it or love (not so good if you want a relationship). A tendency to change partners faster than outfits.

Dark eyes: Passionate and into marathon deep and meaningfuls, they’re hard to get to know initially, but you won’t regret the effort. Dynamite in bed. Keep them there with lots of intense, varied sex.

Nose

Snub nose: Dreamy and into romantic sex and traditional positions – which could translate to drippy for some. Not interested in erotic adventures.

Bumpy nose: Not a good match for the snub nosed, bumpy nosed people are the complete opposite. Not only do they love sex, they like loads of it – the kinkier the better!

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Lines

Small thin lines under the lower eyelids: It’s not something you usually look for… until now. This is the mark of someone with an enormous sexual appetite, who’s constantly ready for sex. Nothing is forbidden and everything goes.

Fine lines below the base of the nose: I shamefully own up to having these but insist it’s from smoking in the past. This is apparently a sure-fire sign of someone who rarely thinks about anything else but sex (well, it is my job!) Blessed/cursed with the highest libido of all, they need to be loved in every way possible and are extremely hard to satisfy. (Not true. Honest!)

Lips and mouth

Large mouth: When comes to mouths, the bigger the better seems to apply. Large mouthed lovers are unselfish and take time to pleasure. Men with large mouths are regarded as unbeatably potent lovers. If you’ve got a full bottom lip, score extra points – you’re a sensual adventurer – minus points for also being shamelessly unfaithful. People with wide mouths are ambitious creatures who want to be (and are) boss of the bedroom.

Small mouth: True, they’re imaginative and inventive, but that’s where the compliments end. They’re also quick to orgasm, wary of new people, loyal only to a few and not very affectionate.

So... what do you think?