‘I’m in my sexual prime and have never desired sex less.’

“You have the wildest sex life,” I regularly get told. 

And as a 34-year-old single sex writer who routinely shares all the intimate details of her time under the sheets, they’re mostly right. 

Except there’s one teeny tiny fact that I’ve been leaving out. That despite being in my peak orgasmic period, I’ve never wanted sex less. 

I blame a multitude of factors. Mostly, dating. Because after eight long years of swipe, swipe, swipe, my will to date has died. 

Dramatic? Maybe. Rational? Absolutely. Because to be honest, I’ve probably gone on HUNDREDS of dates in that time. Literally hundreds (hey, girl’s gotta eat). But after one ghosting, one red flag and one ick after the next, it’s like my libido has left for the picket line. 

And really, can we blame her? 

These days I could find a naked man in my bed and I wouldn’t even feel the flutter of lust let alone want to jump his bones, which really isn’t good for business. Or me, because I just don’t feel like myself anymore. 

The only thing that’s calming me down in these uncertain times, is that I know I’m not alone.

Because while sexual desires naturally fluctuate over the years, studies show that anywhere from one in 10 to one in three women will experience low libido in their lifetime, and don’t even get me started on what menopause can do to our sex drives. 

Beyond that we’ve got plenty of reasons for not feeling like a hornbag, including relationship problems, stress, anxiety, biological changes, exhaustion, depression, getting older, hormonal problems, contraception, and medication. Plenty of which are more likely to affect women, you know, as more often than not the exhausted care givers just trying to look after everyone and stay on top of the washing.

So, where does female pleasure fit into all of that? Because the male sexual experience has been celebrated for centuries, with solutions at the ready if anything isn't... functioning. All the while, women have been shamed for just wanting to get their freak on.  

But times, thank goodness, are changing. Now we’re talking out loud about female pleasure (YAY), and solutions actually exist to enhance pleasure, which is helping to break taboos, end stigmas and throw out societal expectations that women don’t deserve to have an orgasm (heck, MULTIPLE orgasms).  

Whether that’s with a partner, or self-delivered.  

So, while my body may be telling me, ‘not today lady’, I am determined to want sex again, prioritise my pleasure, restore my enviable sex drive, and rediscover the sheer ecstasy of climax. 

Let’s just say it’s a journey still in progress. But here’s how I’m learning to do it.

The ‘I come first’ 14 day challenge.

The giveaway is in the name, but the ‘self-connection’ kit from sexual wellness brand VUSH is absolutely life changing. 

Firstly, let’s start with the Empress 2, AKA, the strongest clitoral sucking vibrator that I’ve ever felt, which in itself is something to write home about (but maybe, don’t). 

Then there’s the deck of 50 cue cards to help you to explore the connection with yourself and your body through sex-positive affirmations, self-love prompts and self-reflection. And lemme tell you, pulling one of these each night takes you places. 

Add in the 14 day challenge – which includes listening to erotic audio, playing with your erogenous zones and masturbating in the shower by candlelight – and you’ve got yourself a celebratory project for one. 

The tantra workshop.

Nothing says you need to slow down and smell the roses than a lesson in tantra, which is about connecting very intimately with your senses, according to the founder of White Dakini, Charlotte Leonie, who runs workshops in Sydney. 

She explained during an Introductory to Sacred Sex class that tantra is about bringing together the body, mind and soul, and being fully present, something that’s easier said that done. 

But then she laid out a tray of food – creamy camembert, pieces of dark chocolate and the ripest of raspberries – and asked us to close our eyes and use all of our senses to really experience eating. As the piece of fruit rolled across my teeth and tongue, hitting every cell as I slowly bit down, it was like I’d never tasted a raspberry before. 

Charlotte then had us pick out a feather to lightly stroke our own bare skin with. As the soft sensations rolled down my arm, every nerve stood to attention, every sense was heightened, and I felt more in touch with my body than I’d ever felt in bed. 

These practices brought entirely new levels of pleasure to seemingly mundane activities. And if they felt that good, I could only imagine how it would feel to bring this technique into my sex life. 

And just like that, a little flicker sparked to life inside me. 

The erotic dance class.

Hello Queen era, I have arrived, because this class promises to “ignite the untamed feminine through archetypal embodiment and erotic dance”. 

In my bid to find my mojo, I’ve gone straight to the top. Or rather, the Temple of Eros, and I am ready to bow down to its creator Jayde Alexandra at next month’s event. 

“Journey with me as we come back to deep self-love, empowerment, self-acceptance and body confidence through the sacred art of embodied movement,” she wrote online, “as we get to know every inch of our divine bodies through the slow and gentle practice of sensual self-touch.”

To say I haven’t got an ounce of rhythm is probably an understatement. And I’m very, very nervous. But, I’m a woman on a mission to reclaim her libido. 

“This workshop is for every woman wanting to cultivate a deeper connection to themselves and reconnect back into their bodies,” Jayde added. “To ignite their inner fire and step into their Queen energy.”  

And I, for one, am here for it.

Cliovana is on a mission to normalise female sexual wellness and increase overall sexual responsiveness and satisfaction for women. Explore more about their non-invasive treatment with no downtime and request a consultation.

Always seek advice from a qualified healthcare practitioner.

Feature Image: Getty/Mamamia.