Do you believe in soulmates?

Posting this topic in best/worst was interesting … interesting to read the supportive, concerned comments from some MM readers, also interesting to read the stronger comments suggesting that I’m being selfish, that the ‘grass is always greener’, etc. And I have truly appreciated everyone sharing their thoughts with me. As there were many suggestions that it would be a great ‘group therapy’ topic, here you have it.

My husband is a wonderful man, kind, warm, gentle, loving, great father, the whole deal – 10 years on, we have never had even harsh words with each other. The OTHER MAN is all of these things, too. Neither of these men came into my life in a blaze of horny, ‘let’s shag in the fire escape’ lust. My husband was, I guess, very carefully chosen and it started as an intellectual relationship, becoming a physical one, and I guess we decided we were each other’s ‘safe option’ – ie. we got on well, we enjoyed each other’s company, sex was good, two children are delightful, nothing to complain about. (I am in my mid-40s, so I’m no simpering teenager!)

My attraction to TOM (the other man) also evolved over a couple of years. TOM is a professional acquaintance whom, initially, I’d only ever spoken to about professional things on the phone, and emails. Gradually, the conversations took on a slightly more personal, friendly tone. Then a caring and affectionate tone. And then we met. In a professional setting. We got on, as we knew we would – the mind is a powerful aphrodisiac! And then we met again, privately, but in a ‘safe’ place (ie. no rushing off for hot sex possible). And we were even more attracted to each other and knew the sex would indeed be hot and wonderful. But no, we haven’t.

TOM makes me feel so stunningly alive, I haven’t felt so awake and vibrant and positive for years. I feel like I am rediscovering who I am … not just a mother, or a partner, but an individual with rich, complex places to discover and enjoy.

So my conundrum is perhaps best described as this: my marriage is a good one. Perhaps a bit dull, but good. I am safe. But TOM has given me a new knowledge and appreciation of love, life, happiness … of feeling like I’m no longer asleep at the wheel and just passing the time. We all know we only live once, so when do we compromise ourselves because making changes might be difficult, and when do we embrace changes, even the difficult ones, and run as fast towards the light as we can? Which decision will I regret the least? At what point does ‘staying together for the sake of the children’ or to not hurt someone become irreconcilable with the knowledge that I’ve gained about myself?

The suggestion that I should just ‘get over it’, ‘forget him’, and so on are interesting, but ultimately futile as you can’t UNDO the knowledge that has been gained. You can’t put the genie back in the bottle. If you’d asked me, even just six months ago, if I’d ever consider an affair with another man, or leaving my marriage, I’d have laughed at you from up on my moral-high-horse and said, “Absolutely not! That only happens to OTHER PEOPLE, to WEAK PEOPLE!”