'My daughter took her own life last year. Why do I find myself apologising for it?'

Content warning: This post includes discussions of suicide that may be distressing to some readers. 

18 months ago, I wrote an article for Mamamia about my daughter's long struggle with her mental health and her eventual suicide in February 2022.

Since then, I continue to go through the rollercoaster of emotions that losing a child brings and I wrestle with my feelings over her loss every minute of every day.

I've now been through all the "firsts" without her: her birthday, Mother's Day, Christmas and all of those other special times throughout the year that stab you in the heart a little more sharply as the time passes.

Watch: What you need to know about Grief. Post continues after video.

Why then do I find myself apologising to mere strangers when they learn of her death?

All of my friends and family know what happened, however occasionally I run into an acquaintance, and we will be doing the obligatory catch up. I will fill them in on what my son and I have been doing (my husband passed away the year before our daughter.) While I try to end the chit chat there, they will inevitably ask. 

"And what about your daughter, what is she up to now?"

Even worse is the strangers.

Meeting new people whether at work or socially it often comes up in conversation, "How many kids do you have?"

Now this questions stumps me every time. 

I had two children; I had two children for 23 years but now I only have one, how do you explain this to a total stranger?

My strategy is to just say I have one son, but then they ask," oh, an only child, what made you decide to only have one child?" 

Some people are unbelievable!

Then I tell them, I had a daughter, but she died.

And now comes the explanation. Telling people is hard because I know what will come next. Even if I do manage to get through telling them without crying myself, I then see the horror on their face as they go through the range of expressions of disbelief to shock to pity.

I get it. This is every parent's worst nightmare and people are shocked when they hear the news that a beautiful young life is cut short.

The number of total strangers that will then ask me, "do you mind if I ask how she died?"

Yes, I know humans are curious by nature but seriously – I do bloody mind!

She killed herself, now that statement is enough to stop any person in their tracks.

Then the real clincher happens: I can't help myself; I try to make them feel better.  

How dare I do this! Why do I do this?

I hear myself saying, "oh no, it's okay, it's fine, she had struggled with her mental health for a long time, and she had tried to suicide before so it was not unexpected."

In no way is it "okay" that my daughter took her life, and I am definitely not fine, but I hear myself trying to console them and explain it away, as if it was a smaller less significant loss.

Why do I feel like I must protect them from feeling upset and shocked?

I am not generally a people pleaser but in this situation it's like I stop myself and I hate myself for it.

It makes me questions the society that we live in because I feel the need to justify it and make them feel more comfortable talking about suicide. 

But... it's actually not that I've realised. It is simply too personal and gut-wrenching to show how I really feel to someone who is not important enough in my life. I'm protecting myself, not them.

I have talked about this with my grief councillor; I have asked other mothers who have lost a child to suicide how they handle it.

My favourite response was from a mother of four kids, now three and she says to people, "I have four children but one now lives in heaven."

Maybe I should adapt this line, it is so eloquent, and I hope it stops people from then asking her how that child died.  

But I would rather just talk about my son to people who are not close in my life, I would rather save the conversations about my beautiful daughter to have with the people who also knew and loved her and who care about me.

I don't want to share my deepest regrets and darkest moments with a stranger; I don't want to talk to an acquaintance about something that for years so was complex and intense and painful, so I apologise instead, it's not right but it gets me through the interaction. 

I have one piece of advice for anyone who is trying to support a friend or family member who has experienced loss.

Please, please talk about their loved one often, even if they get upset.

I can guarantee you they would rather have the opportunity to reminisce and laugh and cry and keep that person's memory alive than to never talk about them again.

You will be giving them the greatest gift by letting them talk about "their person".

If you think you may be experiencing depression or another mental health problem, please contact your general practitioner. If you're based in Australia, 24-hour support is available through Lifeline on 13 11 14 or beyondblue on 1300 22 4636.

Feature Image: Getty.