As a wise woman once said “Keeping a ‘food diary‘ is the most effective form of modern day torture”.
That wise woman was me. Just now.
And I think Constance Hall might just agree with me.
In a Facebook post published yesterday morning, Hall decided it was time she shared an honest “day in the life of my stomach”.
The post came after she realised she was avoiding the doctor because “he weighs me”. She explained that she hated the “chubby patient lecture” so decided it was time to do something about it.
Hall approached a friend who she describes as “one of those chicks who works in fitness and puts photos on Instagram of herself in undies and she just looks so strong and tanned and buff and in control of herself that you go back to those pictures just to perv on her like a total binocular wearing bush dwelling creep…” We know EXACTLY the type she is talking about.
Hall’s friend, while preparing an exercise program, asked her to keep a food diary. You know, just so she could see what kind of food she was consuming. A pretty customary step for any fitness plan.
But NO. For Hall, along with the rest OF EVERYONE, did not like the idea of a food diary.
Hall explained: “While preparing an exercise program for me she has also asked me for a food dairy…. And again…. She asks for the diary… And again… She waits…The truth is that I don’t want to give her the food diary. I had no idea how ridiculous my eating has become until I had to look at it in front of me.”
We. Are. With. You. I too once tried to keep a food diary and half way through day one abandoned it because it was clearly the worst idea I’d ever had. Who the hell has chocolate before midday? How embarrassing.
On the morning of day one, Hall says she woke up thinking “hmmm I’m probably going to have a run today, (I haven’t had a run in months I don’t know why I always think today’s going to be the day) and then drink a green smoothie and eat fruit.”
Don’t we all.
An hour later she’s at a cafe eating eggs on toast with hollandaise sauce, which she justified because it’s always good to “start the day on a full tummy”. Very true, Hall.
When she returned home she had a cup of tea, which is obviously very healthy, and added about “4 litres of honey in it”. But, as Hall reminds us, honey is natural so ultimately she is doing her body a favour.
Her next paragraph begins with “then I did something really weird…” and I immediately knew I was going to relate with whatever she said. There’s something about knowing that the food diary is watching you that forces you to make decisions that are even more bizarre than usual.
She remembers that her husband hid maltesers. And given that it’s nearly the afternoon, and everyone knows that you need sugar/sustenance/energy at that time, she indulged.
From this point, Hall just starts taking words out of all of our mouths.
“Feeling weird about my decisions I downward spiral and start looking for some more chocolate as a kind of rebellion against my health, like I might as well make a day of it type of mentality.” YES. COMMIT.
She describes how she “found a biscuit that I don’t even really like and stuff it in my mouth”, which is me every time I eat a Tim Tam. I don’t even LIKE them – but who wants to be the kind of person who refuses a Tim Tam?
Then there’s cheese. And a sandwich. Oh and then her husband suggests they get takeaway, which isn’t even her fault, but no sane person argues with takeaway. Still – not giving up all hope – Hall imagines that she probably won’t eat the stupid takeaway because #health.
“Then the delivery comes and it has garlic naan with melted cheese on top… What the actual fuck? As if God himself is now laughing at me I smother it in butter chicken sauce and stuff it in my mouth and proceed to eat more of this rich glory than I can fit in my stomach.”
It is the perfect “how the f*ck did this happen?” moment we’ve all had.
Her day began with such high hopes of smoothies and fruit, and ended with cheesy naan.
She concludes: “But today I have woken up a bit different, it’s time to admit that I’m being irresponsible.. I am sharing it with everyone so I can no longer pretend I’m jogging and drinking green smoothies and I am going for a fucking run/pushing the pram power walk.”
Not everyday (or perhaps…any day) can look like Kim Kardashian’s day on a plate. We slip up. We find ourselves eating cookie dough which may or may not give us salmonella poisoning.
But it doesn’t hurt, once in a while, to have a much needed laugh about it.