Sorry but it's true: Aint nobody having all the hot sex all the time.

By ROSIE WATERLAND

Competitive sex is totally a thing now, you guys.

Science says so.

An American professor has conducted a study that found we’re a pretty petty bunch when it comes how much sex we’re having.

Apparently, no matter how many times your partner made you scream with pleasure this week, it doesn’t really count unless you know you did it more than ‘The Joneses’. (You know – that magical couple on whom the success of all others is measured. Cured cancer? Whatevs… Have The Joneses done that lately?)

Tim Wadsworth, an associate professor of sociology at the University of Colorado Boulder, recently published the results of a study on how sexual frequency corresponds with happiness.

And according to, um, science, Wadsworth says that “Having more sex makes us happy – but thinking that we’re having more sex than other people makes us even happier.”

So, basically…. Sex = happy but thinking you’re having more sex than The Jonses = really, really happy.

Nailed it – take that Year 10 Biology.

Interesting results but wouldn’t you rather quality over quantity (you know, if you absolutely had to choose)?

Wadsworth continues: “It becomes an aspect of one’s identity that can be compared with the people around them. When the result of the comparison is positive, it increases happiness; when it’s negative it decreases it.”

That’s great, but I’m still not seeing anything about quality in there. And the potential for sex-fibs is very high. The Jonses, that smug well-dressed couple, could easily say they’re gettin’ freaky 11 times a week but conveniently leave out the fact they fight over who gets to be starfish and take turns playing their fave TV shows in the background.

I’d much rather one good orgasm every 7 days than the apparent status that comes from getting jack-hammered 11 times a week. That just sounds exhausting.

Also (and this may just be my lack of scientific sex-survey knowledge coming through), are ‘The Jonses’ actually real people in anyone’s lives? Cosmo and GQ make out like they’re always having all the hot sex, but, c’mon now.

This isn’t the 90’s. People are way more savvy about their media these days, and mostly understand that ‘aspiration’ actually just means ‘bullshit’. Aint nobody having all the hot sex all the time.

So, what are my recommendations after analysing this ‘competitive sex’ scienc-ey data?

1. If you’re going to get competitive about sex frequency, at least remember the Facebook rule: people only display their highlight reels. Which is a shame because…

2. The failure reels are hilarious. And generally way more accurate.

Bam. Science. Now where do I collect my Nobel?

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