'I tried to bury it.' When Xavier realised he was bisexual, his whole life changed.

This story includes descriptions of sexual assault and suicidal ideation that may be distressing to some readers.

Some people on social media love to share a highlight only reel. Well, here is my transparent one.

I’m bisexual and am much more confident than I once was to say it. But I’ve struggled for years, as many LGBTQ+ people do, to accept that. I went to a religious, all boys' school where sexuality was seen as a choice and anything but straight was incompatible with the young man's ideal. If I 'gave in' to the gay thoughts, I was weak. So I tried to bury it, as too many do. 

What you resist, not only persists, but grows in size. 

Watch: The correct terms to use when it comes to the LGBTQ+ community. Post continues after video.

A few years ago when I was 21, I made a tentative leap to begin uncrumpling the scrunched-up paper held in my heart that was my sexuality. I told my parents and a few close mates, building up some courage after the close success of the marriage equality vote. But I did something stupid. I prepared myself for a meeting with my School Headmaster to discuss why he signed a letter calling for religious schools to maintain the ability to expel a student or fire a staff member on the basis of sexuality. This law under Section 38 of the Sex Discrimination Act 1984 still exists today. 

I was the School Vice Captain, the exemplary student. But with a secret. I developed this narrative in my head. If I convince him otherwise, it would mean that it was okay to be gay, that the school is accepting, that sexual orientation is nothing to be ashamed of or to hide, that I am valid. I inadvertently placed the self-acceptance of my sexuality and ultimately self-worth in someone else’s hands. 

What happened? I failed. 

The meeting went for an hour and a half and like a python slowly wrapping itself around its prey, overwhelming pain began to scrunch me. My tears were uncontrollable. I cried in his office. I cried in the hallway sitting on the floor. I was no longer able to withstand defending something so personal, something I held so tightly inside for so many years. Especially in the place that fostered so much of the fear.

Sometimes people don’t speak or act because the fear of failure or uncovering the truth is greater than the fear of the unknown. I feared many things about what my sexuality would bring, but remained optimistic by not confronting them. That they were just in my head and probably wouldn’t be a thing in this day and age. But all of a sudden, my fears felt validated. The fear of being outed at school, the fear of not being masculine enough, the fear that questions would be raised, the fear of not being accepted, the fear of losing mates, the fear of judgement, the fear of being ostracised, the fear of being alone. 

I went straight back into hiding, running, avoiding. I shut down. I was so unsure of myself and was questioning about everything. I deteriorated. Told myself I had to be straight. Anxiety hit hard and soon depression. I was on a slippery slope to the very bottom. I had read about LGBTQ+ hate crimes, the HIV pandemic, and death penalties still in place in other countries. And I was terrified. 

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I felt so alone. 

Months passed. Then on one agitated night, I couldn’t escape this burning feeling of needing to just be held by a man. So, I decided to go gay clubbing. I drank a lot of alcohol to numb the shame and build the confidence to go in alone, without telling anyone of course. Later that night, I found myself back at an older man’s apartment, who then proceeded to sexually assault me. 

I struggle to expand upon the impact it had on me, but being one of my first and few sexual experiences with a male, it clung like a weighted shadow.  

A month later, I was mid-crossing a road and was almost hit by a car travelling 70km/h, seconds from death. My life did not flash before my eyes. I just blinked and continued to walk home. I was okay for it to be all over. I didn’t feel anything. And then I felt shame. 

I thought about suicide every day proceeding. I didn’t feel or know I could speak to anyone who would understand. Plus, I didn’t want anyone to see me hurting as I didn’t feel the self-worth for anyone to be concerned about me. 

On what I said would be one of my final days, I saw a notice at my workplace for an opportunity to part-take in a six month Authentic Leaders course. The focus would be on self-acceptance and exploring leadership through a LGBTQ+ lens, with access to a psychologist. The dam I had built cracked. I ran to the bathroom, my hands concealing my teary face, and locked myself in a cubicle. As if an angel cleared my mind, I applied, knowing that if I waited any longer, the flood will be my blood. 

Image: Supplied.

The course turned my life around and the facilitator knew exactly what to do with me, as if he had seen this all before. In hindsight, it was like I was stuck at the bottom of a well. I could look up, but I didn’t know how to get out. I thought I was screaming for help, but when I was so deep down, that noise disperses to a whisper at the surface and people don’t notice. So, I wrote my book Come Undone to capture this journey, and most importantly so others know they are not alone. There is a way out. It’s everything I wish I knew. 

In Australia, a 2021 La Trobe University report found that three in five LGBTQ+ people aged 14 to 21 had seriously considered attempting suicide in the last 12 months. One in three said LGBTQ+ people were never mentioned in a supportive or inclusive way in their schooling. It is widespread and education isn’t moving quick enough. 

Everyone goes through their own battles. I’ve found by opening up, people do reciprocate and my relationships have become much more authentic. If you are questioning your sexuality, use social media to speak with LGBTQ+ people and organisations. It is hard to get past the fear and feelings of invalidation ingrained young, but it does get better: the moment you glide hand in hand down a bustling city street, cheeks sore from smiling. And the first time you set the self-timer and capture that picnic kiss. 

Always remember, the shame we battle through didn’t originate from inside our hearts. It was absorbed. It can be wrung out, and the puddle belongs at the feet of the institutions and people who persistently push back on equality and acceptance. 

There has always been a place for LGBTQ+ people. Hell, gayness exists in animals from bison to penguins. It is a gift that allows you to see new perspectives, smash stereotypes, and the world needs you. As a society we are improving, but we can do better and the upcoming Sydney World Pride will shine a light on this. 

Don’t try to force a life you think others will think is perfect, but live a life that is perfectly you. 

Image: Supplied.

Find out more about Come Undone at comeundonebook.com and on Instagram @comeundone.book.

If you think you may be experiencing depression or another mental health problem, please contact your general practitioner. If you're based in Australia, 24-hour support is available through Lifeline on 13 11 14 or beyondblue on 1300 22 4636.

We've hunted down every bit of crucial info you need to help your teens thrive, and put it all in one place: The Living With Teens Summit. Presented by Mamamia, and streaming 15 February. Get tickets now.

Feature Image: Supplied.

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