'I’m scared of what will happen if I choose to not have kids.'

I was having drinks with a friend when she told me something that felt like a punch to the chest. 

"Now that I've decided to not have kids, I'm saving money to go travelling." 

Normally, this would've come across as a normal response to the question, "so, what's new with you?" But as a 28-year-old woman, this sentence now felt very different. 

In fact, I was fixated on my friend's statement the entire evening. 

I've always been in the "I'm not sure if I'll have kids" camp. And until I hit my mid-twenties, it was true. 

Now, saying "I'm not sure I'll have kids" feels more like a safe house that's protecting me from two things I'm really thinking when I'm asked that question:

Firstly, I'm not sure I can have kids. (I've written about this here.)

And secondly (the thing that keeps me up at night) I'm scared of what will happen if I choose to not have kids. 

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Right now, choosing to not have kids feels like that harder decision. Saying "I'm not sure" makes people automatically think "she's just not sure yet." Those same people will make sure they ask me the question again in a few years time because of course they will, I only have a limited amount of time in my safe house.

When I think about having kids — if I'm lucky enough to do so — I feel a sense of calm. I can picture my whole life ahead of me. Having help from friends and family, being on maternity leave, going back to work part-time, putting everything I have into caring for another human for the rest of my life. If there's anything I've learnt from my own upbringing, it's that once you're a parent, you're always a parent. 

Sure, legally you're only responsible for someone for 18 years, but my parents know they're responsible for me until the very end and I'd want to do the exact same. 

Choosing that life feels easy, but experiencing that life feels much, much harder. 

And it's the opposite if I choose to not have kids.

When I picture my ideal life right now, it doesn't involve children. But the older I get, the more aware and scared I am of the time where I won't have a choice — where that choice will be taken from me and I might blame myself for not choosing quick enough.

Depending on what I've accomplished and who I'm dating and how much I'm earning and the place I'm living and the support I have around me, my ideal future is constantly changing. 

If I found out I was pregnant today, I genuinely believe it would ruin my life. However, I'm scared of what will happen if this "right now" decision turns into a forever decision.

Whenever my friends tell people they don't want kids, the immediate question they get is "why?" Some of them, when they're feeling extra spicy, respond with, "Well why did you choose to have kids?" Others stick with the classic, "It's just not for me." Both brilliant answers, yet they're not the answers I'm ready to face.

The other part of choosing not to have them is, well, now what? What am I meant to do?

The ease of choosing to have kids means my life is planned out. 

My friend is about to embark on a trip around the world, so does that mean I also have to save my money to do the same? I don't even like travelling. 

Should I put everything I have into my career instead? But what if I don't get a promotion? Or even worse — what if the women my age who have kids are more successful than me? How embarrassing. 

Of course these are just my inner thoughts on hectic-spiral mode. Whenever I start feeling anxious (like I am now), I just tell myself to stay in the safe-house another year. Clearly, that plan is working out great.  

The issue with being in my safe house is I feel like I can't start my life until I make this decision. 

Should I save money to go on a holiday or save money to freeze my eggs? 

Should I live in a cute apartment in the city or move back in with my parents so I can afford to buy a house one day?

Should I follow my passions or switch gears and get a job that pays more?

Should I keep dating around or settle down with one person? 

All these decisions feel more and more imminent, the older I get. All these decisions are also completely life altering. And all these decisions are reliant on me leaving my safe house. 

I'm still not sure what life-path I'll choose, but I do know that I'll be staying in my safe house for another year. 

If you want more culture opinions by Emily Vernem, you can follow her on Instagram @emilyvernem. 

Feature image: supplied.