I'm in my late 20s. And here are 7 things no one told me would happen to my body.

In one month I’ll celebrate my 29th birthday and my overwhelming emotion is complete and utter confusion.

I was told explicitly that this is what 50 looks like.

But that's not the track I appear to be... on.

Unlike my good friend J Lo I've been bloated every day since I was about 23 and have no idea why. For a while I figured I was suffering from a gut issue. Or food intolerance. Or maybe I'd just put on weight. But it turns out that this is just the shape of my body now and no one once bothered to give me a heads up.

WATCH: Just a bunch of women who didn't get famous until after 30. Post continues below. 

Madonna is 61 - more than 30 years older than me - and recently uploaded a very low key and candid video to Instagram.

OK. Wtf is that.

I still can't touch my toes and once demanded a physio tell me that that's because my torso is unusually short so it's much harder you see, but upon reflection that's definitely not true.

In order to get off the lounge now I need to give myself a 35 minute pep talk, and when I finally commit to the launch, I let out a guttural groan just like my grandmother did. I have a goddamn bad knee and a bad back and the other day I added to my to-do list "sort health insurance" and "get eyes tested".

This shit is simply not what I was promised. 

So I've compiled six things that have happened to my body in my late twenties, that no one once bothered to warn me about.

      1. I have all seven signs of ageing (at least).

Oh. Um. Not to be crass, but why the f*ck do I have wrinkles at 28?

I have smile lines and crow's feet and wrinkles on my forehead. There are age spots and sun spots and pigmentation. I have begun to lose colour from my top lip which I didn't even know was a thing and sometimes I wake up and there's a crease on my face for upwards of three hours.

      2. Grey hair

I have a 25-year-old friend with grey pubes.

And a 27-year-old friend who gets her greys done once a month.

Oh. And at least quarter of my male friends are legitimately balding. All before their 30th birthday! Who would have thunk!

      3. Bad knees

I read once that there are some design flaws when it comes to the structure of the human knee and it would certainly seem that way.

They do just fine until you're over the age of about 25 and then it's all just downhill from there.

I have my right knee, and my bad knee, and my bad knee has been known to pop out of place when I'm doing complicated things like standing up to go the the bathroom.

    4. Bad back

Speaking of inherent design flaws; the spine.

The spine was fabulous when we were on all fours. Back when we were apes. There was less pressure on it! We used our limbs more!

But now we're meant to stand and walk like fools for goodness sake.

I slipped a disc in my lower back years ago and have now been told by a physio that it's a problem we need to 'manage' rather than 'fix' and I have a life expectancy of EIGHTY for goodness sake what am I meant to DO for the next FIFTY years.

Listen to Overshare, the Mamamia podcast with three women, and too much information. Post continues below. 

     5. Your body won't stand for you eating crappy food anymore

I got away with eating whatever the hell I wanted for more than 20 years. And now my body has had enough. 

I find myself looking at food now and thinking, "It's not worth it for how I'll feel in a few hours," and 15-year-old me would be so disappointed.

Also... I thought I had until like my late 30s before the good old metabolism slowed down.

Incorrect.

It slowed down at about 19. Now I have to exercise twice as much and eat twice as well and I liked it better before. 

      6. Everyone needs glasses

The most exciting piece of information shared among people in their late 20s is that you can get your eyes tested for free in most shopping centres.

A year off 30, my eyes are done. They're sick of looking at screens and sh*t.

Apparently mine are strained bla bla something to do with hyper focus, point is I need glasses but I can't afford them.

My hearing is not what it once was, and I've heard myself literally yelling "COME AGAIN" in the middle of a conversation.

        7. I'm just really tired

All that fire in my belly I had in my early twenties is slowly, slowly burning out, and now I would just like to have a big sleep.

Someone else can save the world. I'll be watching Netflix.

To be clear, I don't have a problem with all these bizarre signs of aging. My wrinkles are fine and my bad knee is a great excuse to not do things I don't feel like.

It's just... I thought I had more time.

So this is my public service announcement. Consider yourself warned.