The concept of mismatched libido isn’t new, nor is it uncommon.
But what happens when it’s not just your libido that’s out of sync with your partner, but your propensity to touch, also?
For one Reddit user, helpmethrowaway146, she’s been with her husband for more than 10 years. Only now, she says, does she feel like their ways of showing affection differ significantly.
“When we started dating, I was very upfront about my libido. I didn’t want to pressure him, and told him flat out that he should reject sex if he wasn’t up for it at any time; no hurt feelings on my part. He jokingly laughed and said he could meet my libido, but after a couple of months & the honeymoon phase was over, he admitted that he couldn’t. We’ve since started this little check-in; it’s not on the dot once a month, but every couple of weeks we just check in to see where we’re at with everything,” she wrote on the platform.
“I’m very frisky lately. I’m so in love with my husband, I’m just ready to go whenever. When I wake up next to him, I’m ready. When he comes to bed and his showering wakes me, I’m ready. Through-out the day I see him, and I’m ready. I know he doesn’t want me instigating sex that often, but he never had a problem with me being touchy-feely.”
However, he recently sat her down. She was touching him too often.
“I was always touching him and always frisky and he was a little angry about it, even.
“But he got a little angrier and said it wasn’t about pressuring him, I made him feel objectified. Like all I wanted was his body.
“I want to do something. Take extra steps besides just stopping to make him feel better. I want to sit down again and talk, but for the first time since I’ve met him I’m not sure how to start, or what to say.”
So, what do you do in this scenario?
According to Sydney sex therapist and relationship coach Jacqueline Hellyer, the couple in question are, first and foremost, on the right track.
“You have to talk about it, for a start, so you understand why it’s important for each person. Everyone has a different love language, and you can interpret them in different ways. For example, if one person’s love language is touch, and the other’s is action, then that person should think about how they would do touch. In short, interpreting their partner through their own experience.”
Hellyer says in that conversation, it’s important one half – in this case, the wife – explains exactly what she “gets” from touch.
Listen: What your changing libido means. (Post continues after audio…)
“You don’t just talk about what it is, because then it comes across as more of a rule. Instead talk about the meaning of it. Instead of telling them, ‘I want you to hug me more’, you have to say, ‘when you hug me I feel secure and connected’.”
Hellyer tells Mamamia if the conversation is approached in that way, your partner is more likely to respond positively.
“They are much more likely to do it, they want you to feel like that. They want to be thinking, ‘Oh my god, I have that impact on you’.
“In saying that, the other person needs to understand maybe it doesn’t come naturally, you might need to encourage it and reinforce it. Saying to them, ‘Thank you for realising this is what I need.’ It’s the only way the brain can be re-wired.”
Hellyer adds the best thing a couple can do for their sanity and longevity is to do what the couple in question are doing, putting aside regular spaces in their lives to “sit and talk about anything”.
“If you know, you do have those scared spaces, in the moment, if you do have something that comes up, you can put your frustration to one side, and tell yourself you’ll bring it up when you do eventually sit down to talk about anything.”
Interestingly, Hellyer says almost “100 per cent” of couples at some point will have to nagivate different libidos. However, she argues there’s a simple way to navigate the gap, and it all comes down to perspective.
“We all have things that help and hinder. Think of desire as a game like snakes and ladders, you have to know what’s going to make it drop, and what’s going to make it climb. The other really, really important thing, is to not confuse arousal and desire. They are not the same thing at all, particularly not when you’re with someone for a long time. Desire can come well before arousal.”
Hellyer says it’s really crucial to be self-aware. If you know falling into bed exhausted at 11.30pm every night doesn’t help your desire, plan your night in advance to make sure you’re not doing that. Know what gets you in the mood, she says, and know what mindset you need to be in.
That way, the differences in libido are far less stark.
You can find more from Jacqueline Hellyer on her website here, or her Facebook page here.
Top Comments
There's probably two issues here, touch AND libido. Some people are just more touchy geeky than others, it's not about sex, but it is about acceptance and intimacy. The book Five Love Languages covers it and is well worth reading and discussing with your partner and your kids.
My husband doesn't like being touched much, and he refuses to kiss on the lips. In his case, I know that it stems from being abused as a child, and so I try to be compassionate about it. It can be triggering for him. Unfortunately a lack of physical affection is very difficult for me. So what's more important - fulfilling my need for physical affection, or helping my husband work through his recovery from abuse? And of course he may never recover enough to ever want physical affection. Naturally we can show and feel love in other ways, and so I try not to let it get to me - the abuse he suffered is far worse than my 'suffering' from lack of kissing - but sometimes it does make me feel down (as much as I don't want to be selfish about it).
First of all I’d like to say sorry and I sympathize wholeheartedly for what your husband have gone through and also for the effect and impact that it has on you, your marriage and relationship. Having to experience an abuse especially as a child is very traumatizing for the person that I’m sure you may know this as a form of PTSD. I was thinking, have you both considered getting professional help through counseling and psychiatry? Professional help could recommend ways for both of you to connect and still share intimacy without triggering those traumatic memories. There are other ways in achieving intimacy such as holding hands and hugging while in bed but then I know that you would want more than that. I believe that he needs to get help because it sounds to me that he is not really dealing with the past awful experiences and when it is not taken cared of right away, and the longer it takes, the harder it’ll be to deal with and this could lead to the detriment of your relationship. Meanwhile, I believe that you too could also benefit from personal counseling too because even though you haven’t experienced the trauma, the feelings that he had from it could get transferred to you. Kind of like also taking on the trauma yourself too but not in the physical sense but in the emotional way, especially more difficult if you are a very empathic person. For example, I myself am very empathic, highly sensitive individual and whenever someone that I love experiences/ed something in their lives like drug abuse or the after effects or death, and the people that are also grieving, I could feel the pain, and I could feel the great sadness on top of what I also feel on the situation at hand. Whenever someone is sad and crying, I could feel it too and many times I couldn’t help it but I end up crying and I feel the hurt. Anyway, I know that you love your husband very much and please don’t think you are being selfish in any way whatsoever. I think it is just normal for anyone who’s in a relationship especially couples who have been together for many years, to ask for intimacy whenever they feel the need for as much as they can. There should always be that ease of asking. What I think may not be normal is the inability to ask and not have it like any normal couples do. Either way, I could only hope and pray that ultimately, he finds peace from the past and overcome it because it’ll be a sad thing that down the line, your marriage, God forbid, crumbles because of your situation. I just really hope it doesn’t come to that. I wish you the best and good luck.