‘Confronting my ghoster was empowering.’ How to deal when someone leaves you on read.

Even in the face of blatant rejection, women are conditioned to be ‘the cool girl’.

Don’t speak up, don’t say anything, and whatever you do, don’t contact anyone who’s ghosted you. 

Because if it wasn’t bad enough to put yourself out there the first time and get shut down, you sure as hell wouldn’t want to do it a second time. 

Or would you?

Watch Jessie Stephens talk about ghosting. Post continues after video. No I lik

Six days after being ghosted, six days after I asked him out following our perfect first date, six days spent pretending to be ‘the cool girl’, pretending that I wasn’t raging inside, and days after writing this story about the one-night relationship theory, I snapped.

All week I’d daydreamed of messaging him. 

“Just checking that you’re not dead?” 

All week I’d spiralled, tossing up between, "I don’t care!" and "How dare he?!" 

I was confused. I was hurt. And, in the face of it all, I couldn’t believe that as an almost 34-year-old woman, I WAS STILL DEALING WITH THIS S**T. 

How is it that we’re still letting people just get away with poor communication? That we’re still letting them off the hook without speaking our minds for fear of being labelled crazy? For expecting someone who you’d been intimate with to treat you with consideration?

I was furious. As if dating apps hadn’t cheapened human connection enough, we’re still being made to put up with this bad behaviour.

But I had to ask myself, if a date ghosts you and you don’t say anything, does it still count?

By the time last Friday rolled around, I was done. I didn’t care about being ‘the cool girl’ anymore. I just wanted to know the truth.

“Hey, can I ask what happened here?” I messaged him at 9.58am.

I don’t know what I was expecting. An excuse, an apology, an honest answer?

By the end of the day, he’d replied.

Listen to the hosts of Mamamia Out Loud discuss whether ghosting is emotional abuse. Post continues after podcast. 

“Haha sorryyyyyy!” he said. “How’s your week been?”

I knew – or at least I kept telling myself – that he didn’t owe me anything. Despite it being a fantastic date, despite him talking of a second, and despite him actually saying that he had feelings for me, I was just a girl he once went out with. 

Maybe I was expecting too much.

But then again, maybe I wasn’t. 

And I wasn’t playing it cool anymore. I texted back right away.

“That’s not really good enough,” I wrote. “We had this great date (or at least if felt like it to me) & then you don’t even have the decency to respond to my message asking you out?”

There. I’d said it. I’d cut straight through the bullsh*t and called it like it was. 

Three minutes later, my phone lit up. (Ah, so he can respond to messages right away!)

“Wow. I’m really sorry. I’ve had a crazy week at work and I’m up in Brisbane for my uncle’s 60th.”

From this point on, I suddenly didn’t care for his excuses and I didn’t care if I never heard from him again. I was going to have my say and I was going to let him know how I felt. I suddenly made it my personal mission not to stand for this s**t any longer. 

“I messaged you last Saturday morning so I’m not really sure what the week has got to do with it?” I replied. 

“Look, maybe you were so drunk you don’t remember. But you literally told me to my face that you liked me. And then you essentially ghosted me, so it felt pretty crap. If you didn’t want to see me again, I’d rather you had said that, and had a bit more respect.” 

Image: Supplied.

Placing my phone back on its charger, I turned my playlist up and danced across my bedroom floor. 

I was RADIANT. I was GLOWING. Flushed with endorphins – or whatever the hell was going on deep inside my soul –I’d never felt more UTTERLY EMPOWERED.

He’d read the message immediately, I later learned when I bothered to check, and didn’t respond. He still hasn’t. But let me tell you, I honestly don’t give a single damn.

Excuses, excuses

“Ghosting is one of the most frustrating parts of dating,” sex and relationships coach Georgia Grace told Mamamia. 

“You go on a date, you feel this connection – maybe they even promise the world – and you’re hoping for something more, and then it just doesn’t come about. Maybe they say, ‘I've had such a good time, I'd love to see you later’, because they're a little bit awkward; or they did have a really good time but then a whole range of other things have changed since then.” 

Whatever it is, it doesn’t make it hurt any less.

So what can you do if a date disappears on you?

“It can feel really validating and empowering and like you're taking back control if you were to say something along the lines of, ‘Hey, I had a really great time, I thought that we were going to hang out again. I'm just curious, what changed?’” Georgia suggested.

“It is also about being vulnerable and practising communicating a want and a need and even a disappointment.”

But more often than not, it’s not the response you get that brings you closure, but rather the way they communicate. 

“For example, you might get a response from them and realise, actually, this is really not a person I want to continue anything further with because they can't even communicate or make time for me,” Georgia said. 

However, she added, speaking up is not for everyone.

“Sometimes people may think, ‘It's been exhausting as it is communicating with this person, they clearly don't have the skills that I require or want, so I'm just going to leave it as it is and not engage any further.’”

The real question is, what do YOU want and need to get out of this situation? While also remembering that it’s very unlikely that this person will ever give you closure.

It’s more about the closure you can give yourself.

Self-care steps that aren’t asking ‘what went wrong?’.

If contacting your ghost isn't for you, Georgia recommended having some resources ready at hand.

“Having a community of supportive loved ones, friends and even professionals is really, really useful,” she said. 

“It’s often that human connection that we really need, and valuing platonic relationships is really fulfilling in these moments.”

So is letting all of your feelings out.  

“That might be writing in a journal and then ripping it up and throwing it out,” the sex and relationships coach told Mamamia. 

“Or it might be exerting physical energy and getting the anxiety out of the body in another way, like going for a run.” 

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Georgia also added that finding a way to “zoom out” of the experience and reflect could be helpful.

“Like asking yourself, 'What might I do differently next time?' – of course, without blaming yourself – and, 'How might I communicate my wants or my needs? How might I manage my expectations? How much pressure was I putting on this first date to be the love of my life?'

“Even just looking at what responsibility you can take next time, so that you feel okay or more equipped to manage these situations [can help."

At the end of the day, though, sometimes we just have to feel what we feel and go through the emotional experience –and that is okaty. 

“As human beings, we often want to move away from the harder or more challenging emotions, but if we were to numb those out, we numb ourselves out from experiencing any feeling at all,” Georgia explained.

“Instead of getting rid of the uncomfortable or painful emotions, we want to create more flexibility within them, so understanding that while we will experience bad emotions – that’s just part of being human – there will be other emotions that will feel really great.”

In the meantime, we all have a responsibility to call out negative behaviour.

“If you hear someone is going to ghost someone, say one of your friends, maybe gently inquire and say, ‘You know, one time I was ghosted and it was the worst thing ever,’” Georgia advised. 

It doesn’t take much, and it goes a long way, to simply message someone and let them know how you feel (or don’t feel!) so they’re not waiting around thinking they're going to hear from you.

“I guess it's a long shot,” Georgia said, “but we should be trying to challenge and change the way we date and relate with people.”

So I encourage you: don’t let ghosts disappear. Stand up for yourself and always, always call out the bulls**t.

Images: Supplied; Getty.