Ghosting and love bombing.
Taxi cab theory.
Breadcrumbing, soft launching, and woke-fishing.
His follower count going up by one.
Orbiting.
Saying he's 6'1, when he's really 5'10.
Long distance.
Swiping left.
Gut instinct.
"Are you exclusive?"
If you don't know the meaning of every phrase above, I'm going to guess that you're not a single woman in her 20s navigating the dating world. A specific group whose heart rates jumped a little bit just reading that opening paragraph.
The rise of infographics and story-time TikToks and professional dating coaches have caused this group of women (myself included) to develop a new term for pretty much every behavioural trait experienced during dating — even if it's been around since our grandparents' time.
Watch: Hope Woodard 'Before I got boysober.' Post continues below.
Now, there's no such thing as a fleeting thought or an odd date without it being turned into a video viewed by millions of people where a 21-year-old girl tells you the reason the guy you went on a date with ghosted you was because he's dismissive-avoidant and had an unfavourable upbringing.
Before you know it, you're doing an attachment-style quiz from his perspective so you can learn the traits of a dismissive-avoidant while replaying the date in your head and cursing at yourself for asking silly questions like, "What are your parents like?" and "How many siblings do you have?"
You should've known better… even though this was only the first date.
Exhausting, right?
Enter the 'Boysober' movement.
Yes, I'm aware I'm adding another term to the mix. However, this term has the opposite effect to every other modern-dating term.
Being boysober is the idea of giving up men, sex, dating and most importantly… situationships for a period of time. Think of it as a chic form of celibacy.
There's no single definition or rule when it comes to being boysober except for putting in the restraints to truly focus on yourself as a single woman. This might mean going on dates but not having sex, this might mean avoiding all men at all costs. It's basically whatever you have to do to fully commit to yourself.
And the moment I heard about it, I was instantly intrigued.
So I went straight to the source to speak to the person who popularised the boysober movement, comedian Hope Woodard.
The 28-year-old decided to take a year off men when she realised she used dating as a crutch.
"One day, I was like, 'I think I really have to change something about the way I date. Whatever I'm doing right now is not working'," she told Mamamia.
"I had given up drinking for about a year because I had this really dependent relationship on drinking. I wasn't quite an alcoholic, I was just very [much] a party girl drinking like all my other friends. I gave that up for a year, and it changed my life and my headspace and I felt like I needed to do the same thing with men and dating.
"I had this constant need [for] a guy to be around, or to be going on dates, or to have a person to be texting. I was just like, 'Okay, I think I have to just, really give all this up'."
Woodard went viral on TikTok as she documented her experience and sold out standup shows.
TikToker Niko AKA The Daddy Academy delivers bite-sized dating advice mainly for women dating men. His videos reach millions of views and he is constantly replying to questions and comments from women hanging on to a last string of hope that their situationship hasn't failed.
When the rest of us would reply "Oh, sweetie…" Niko takes the time to provide them with a firm but kind answer.
So I think it's fair to say that dating in 2024 is a bit of a sh*t show for women. So how does the boysober movement actually help?
I asked Woodard what changes she noticed in herself after taking on the challenge.
"In the beginning, I felt empowered. It was one of the first times I was in control of my own body and my own space, and it was really nice to only have friendship on the table for anyone at all times," she said.
"For the first time ever, I was like 'I don't give a f*ck, you can take me or leave me. All you have of me is myself. If a conversation and time with me is not enough, then that's so fine'."
She added, "My standards have risen quite a bit. I'm uninterested in putting up with something just because it's better than being alone. For so long I was like, 'Oh, I would rather have a situationship that couldn't make me laugh to save his own life.' Instead of figuring out how to be alone, I think a lot of women are now waking up to [the realisation that] men do not fulfill us in so many ways and we're unwilling to put up with that. I think our standards are rising."
When it comes to being boysober, the goal is to put in barriers to help you fully and completely focus on yourself and your wellbeing. Hope says that if you're planning on going boysober, don't take it too seriously.
"If you're actually trying to go boysober, you totally understand the idea of a boy-lapse, or you understand the messiness of it. The boysober conversation is supposed to be a bit more playful. You should be however you want to be. It was expressed to always be based in the empowerment of whatever it is that you want," she said.
"I'm not trying to make anyone feel like they need to give up sex. Back when I was in college, the headline was 'Have as much sex as you want to have.' Now, almost 10 years later, the headline is, 'Don't have sex, that's what makes you powerful.' I just want women to be able to ask themselves, 'What is it really that I need?'"
What do you think of the boysober movement? Tell us in comments.
If you want more from Emily Vernem, you can follow her on Instagram @emilyvernem
Feature Image: Instagram via Hope Woodard, photography by Michael Gebhardt/Supplied/Canva.
*Name has been changed upon request.