This story was originally published in May 2024 and has been edited to include an update from Evie Farrell since the story went live.
The tiles had finally been laid in my new bathroom, so I snapped some photos to post on Instagram.
"I'm so nervous about this, but I love them!" I captioned the pics.
They were gorgeous shades of pink — colourful and fun — exactly what I wanted.
It was part of my big backyard reno that included a pool and a pool house and was pretty stressful as I was spending every last cent of my redrawn mortgage on it.
I was so happy with my choices so far, especially the beautiful pink tiles. Until I saw one comment...
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"Um I hate to tell you this, but I think it looks like rows of d*cks," the message said.
I was expecting compliments and praise! Not penis chat!
I hadn't done anything to improve my home before this — all my focus and money is usually spent on overseas trips. But my 14-year-old daughter and I needed more space than my old 60s red brick home could give us, and when I realised a swimming pool and a pool house would be less expensive than a house remodel I was all in.
"Penis. As if," I thought, and rolled my eyes.
Then another message: "Evie it might just be me, but the tiles look kind of penis-y."
No. These tiles were fabulous! As soon as I saw them I knew: THESE WERE MY TILES!
The bathroom looked amazing. They did not look like d*cks. How ridiculous.
"But maybe I should just check again," I told myself.
When I had another look at the photos, my stomach dropped. Oh no, no, no.
How did I not see this before? It was a pink penis wall!
It started with the bottom row. The tiler had cut the tiles at the exact point that made them look like perfectly proportioned pink balls. The balls then made the row above look like upright dongs, and then row after row of tiles above looked like pretty pink peens moving up my wall.
My bathroom was a penis palace. I had built a penis pool house!
It was hilarious and it was done now. Straight into personal crisis management, I told myself that the balls were on the bottom row so would mostly be covered by the vanity and toilet. It would be fine. It wasn’t THAT BAD.
The one thing I love more than a laugh is sharing a laugh, and I needed to get in front of the panic attack that was threatening to launch into my chest. The best way to do that was to share and join in the fun. The penis parlour would not be a secret I would try to hide. I immediately made a quick Instagram reel.
"When you’re showing off your new bathroom tiles and everyone messages you about the bottom two rows," I wrote. I let the tiles speak for themselves.
Turns out that many people could see the row of bait and tackle on my wall and many of them had just been too polite to message me.
Everyone was laughing, including me, and the comments were hilarious.
Some suggested getting vagina soaps to ensure fair gender representation. Some praised the colour variety of penises, and others said they will be searching out these tiles, too.
But the online views grew, 10,000… 100,000… one million... and then they weren’t satisfied with seeing penises. People commented that they saw tampons at varying stages of flow, they saw pads — and they gleefully told me in detail. It started to get out of hand. I found less humour in the tampon comparison, and let them know it.
Penises are funny. I don’t want tampon tiles.
More than 4.3 million people on Instagram so far have had a good laugh at the penis pool house, and, thankfully many saw it as a bonus feature and a design win rather than a flaw.
Truth be told, it’s classic Evie, and if anyone was going to inadvertently create a penis pool house it’s me.
My mum, on the other hand, was horrified.
"How dare they," she said. "Such dirty minds…it looks nothing like…'that'."
Thanks for your support Mum, but it really does.
Since the tiles went in just over a week ago, there’s been no further work on the bathroom and the wall remains in its full glory.
But I can’t wait to reveal my completed bathroom where either the balls and penises will be no longer obvious. Or if they are, I will be making a little sign to acknowledge the Penis Pool House - and ordering the vagina soaps. Stay tuned!
So, what's happened since then?
Things have been interesting at the Penis Pool House in the months since the penis tile wall was um… erected.
After sharing the photos online and my Mamamia story, many women reached out to let me know I didn’t have to accept the penis wall if it wasn’t done to my instructions. I realised how much I didn’t know about my rights and what I could do.
I was also getting lots of private messages from women with stories about unsatisfactory work done at their homes. So many wrote to me about their dryers that were installed so high on the wall they couldn’t reach them, tiles that were upside down, flooring that was faulty and pool fences that had been installed incorrectly.
But none of these women had felt confident to dispute the work, or they were ignored and didn’t know there was a formal channel to make a complaint. This is yet another challenge women face when trying to navigate a male industry.
If all those women hadn’t helped me, I really would have just accepted it, as at the time I didn’t know I had options, and I was so upset about it I just wanted to laugh it off, pretend it didn’t bother me and move on.
In my situation, the first step was to lodge a complaint with NSW Fair Trading and so the process is continuing. I have now moved onto to the next step, which is to apply for a hearing with the NSW Civil and Administrative Tribunal (NCAT). It’s the same Tribunal that you would go to over a rental dispute for example, and a judge will hear both sides and make a decision. I’m a rule follower so I’m happy with that.
I just want to make sure the peens are removed soon and my beautiful, stunning pink tiles can be installed as they were intended: without balls.
When Evie Farrell is not creating penis walls, she is hosting her women-only group trips in Asia. You can follow her here.
Have you ever had a home renovation fail? Let us know in the comments below.
Feature image: Supplied.
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