Michelle and her two sons have autism. This is what she wants you to know.

Dr Michelle McQuaid is a best-selling author with a passion for helping people to achieve wellbeing at home, at school, or in the workplace. She is also a mum of two boys and just like her sons, Michelle has autism. 

Her youngest son was the first in their family to be diagnosed eight years ago. 

"He was struggling with a few things for his age and I noticed he would play besides other children rather than with them," Michelle says.

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"I remember being with my husband and the psychologist while our son was outside the room. She told us he has autism and my husband was in tears for our beautiful boy and how hard his life might be. 

"But as I listened to her describe some of his characteristics I realised, 'Oh god, this sounds familiar' and it explained so much about my life. I hadn't considered that I might have autism, but there was a relief as I processed it. I recognised so much of myself in her words."

Michelle describes how the things she had always struggled with, such as social exhaustion and having an extreme hyper-focus, could now be understood through the lens of autism.

"Receiving the diagnosis of my son [made sense] of all these things I thought were broken about me. Suddenly, I had a language to understand why I feel that way. 

"I also understood why I can do some pretty amazing things that most of my colleagues around me struggle with. How I can jump from 'big picture' thinking to detailed work with incredible speed and attention. Often colleagues have struggled to keep up with me and that's been frustrating for them and for me. But now it all makes sense!"

Armed with the knowledge of the autism diagnosis, Michelle says she hopes it would save her son from the shame and confusion she felt growing up.

"I remember feeling like I never really fitted in and I just didn't understand people. What was acceptable yesterday was not acceptable today, and that was both anxiety inducing and isolating. I spent a lot of time alone; saying the wrong things and not understanding why it was wrong, wearing the wrong things and not understanding why that was wrong.

"And that was painful. It was hard not to think there's something wrong with me. I'm not likeable, I'm not lovable, I'm not enough. No matter what I try, I don't fit in. But for my son, I thought it would be different because he has the knowledge and the language around how his brain works, which is a huge advantage."

Michelle and her two sons. Image: Supplied.

With her professional background in positive psychology and wellbeing, Michelle told her son the good news about his unique brain.

"The first thing I said to him that day was that he has a 'supercharged turbo brain' and that there are some things that his brain can do, that other brains will struggle with. And that because his brain runs so hot on some of those amazing things, his brain is going to find it harder to do some things that [neurotypical] brains find very easy.

"He's now 12, and he still talks about his 'supercharged turbo brain' when he meets new people. He sees no shame in the amazing brain that he has."

Michelle's eldest son's diagnosis came a few months later, but not before Michelle had given him the option to choose to meet with the psychologist.

"I said to him I thought it was likely he had a similar type of autism, but that he was old enough to decide if he wanted an official diagnosis. There are disadvantages and advantages to knowing this information, but he wanted to understand more about his brain and so the psychologist officially diagnosed him."

Michelle believes that having the language around their autism and understanding how each of their brains work has helped them manage their lives better. 

"With my autism, when I'm at my best, my 'zest' for life comes out, and it is one of my top strengths. But as I often go at 100 miles an hour, having the language for people to let me know and say, 'Hey, can you dial down the zest right now as the rest of us are not there with you?' Then I can back it up a little!

"And we've used that technique with each other. One of my youngest son's strengths is perseverance, but sometimes we need him to dial down the perseverance because in its extreme, it turns into stubbornness which leads to meltdowns. If we get in before the meltdowns happen, then we can usually figure it out together. It's about knowing what our strengths and triggers are, and having the language for it all."

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As a neurodiverse household, Michelle says she feels it's important to set an example by showing the kids what they're capable of. The couple made a conscious decision to take on a big family challenge and move to Canada for a few years, as a way of getting outside their comfort zones.

"We made an intentional decision to move internationally while the boys were still young, after my husband had a job offer. Because of our autism, we love our routines and rhythms and our safe happy places. 

"We knew it would be hard to move to the other side of the world and that it would to challenge us all socially to make new relationships. We did it anyway to show the boys that they could do it. Now, if they have the opportunity to change up their routines or make new social interactions later in life, they know they can do it - even with autism."

Michelle says that they keep on top of their communication as a family by regularly checking in with each other at the end of a week.

"One of the things that we found helps us both at work and at home is just to keep asking each other curious questions; we call it running a 'learning loop'. We ask three little questions around what's happening for each of us at that time. The first question is, 'What's working well?', so we look for the strengths first to keep building our self-confidence, then, 'Where are we struggling?' to normalise that we all struggle sometimes and that's okay. And then finally, 'What are we learning?'.

"That's probably the one thing I can suggest to any family or any workplace with neurodiversity. We find those three little questions are an amazing way of creating a psychologically safe space to keep talking about what's happening for each of us with curiosity, rather than judgement."

After all the family have learnt together, Michelle says she wouldn't change her autism diagnosis, even if she could.

"Honestly, even if you gave me the chance to be more neurotypical, I wouldn't give up my supercharged turbo brain for anything. 

"The creativity and the curiosity and what it allows me to do, even when it makes other things hard, is such a gift. It's our superpower."

Laura Jackel is Mamamia's Family Writer. For links to her articles and to see photos of her outfits and kids, follow her on Instagram and TikTok.

Feature Image: Supplied.