Kim Cattrall is going to... lose it: A very honest recap of And Just Like That.

Spoiler alert: This article contains *massive* spoilers for the first two episodes of And Just Like That. 

Precisely every life experience I've had as an adult woman can be related back to an episode of Sex and the City.

When a friend becomes disturbingly obsessed with their breakup and you have to calmly tell them to shut the f*ck up and go to therapy.

When you watch an impressive woman fall deeply in love with a horribly average man who won't even tell her his real name.

When you spend all your money on shoes and then need to borrow some cash and your friend is like 'errr no, sort your own life out,' but then you make her feel guilty about it because her money isn't really her money anyway so she sells her wedding ring to help you pay off your debt. 

Pls make better financial decisions.

Honestly. We've all been there (we haven't). 

So the moment And Just Like That dropped on Binge, I was yelling at everyone to get the hell out of my way and let me have my precious time with my very good friends and their ridiculous storylines. 

We make it a full 6 seconds before we get exactly what we're here for: a hat that looks like a vulva.

Carrie it's 11am. Image: Binge.

But there's something far more urgent that needs to be addressed. No, Samantha isn't here. Yes, she allegedly hates Sarah Jessica Parker. No, she's probably not going to find the jokes about her being dead very funny.

While Charlotte initially explains, "she's no longer with us," we learn that she's moved to London. For work. Because she hates Carrie now. Which feels... factual. 

Over lunch, Charlotte tells Miranda her grey hair ages her, and pause: 

I just need it on the record that this is not the untouched, natural hair of a woman in her 50s.

LOOK AT THE TEXTURE. THE HIGHLIGHTS. THE FACE FRAMING. Image: Binge.

Miranda's hair is an ashy blonde and that is why I love this show. Because this is a world where blonde is grey, a weekly column is enough to support an extravagant lifestyle in New York, and it's perfectly acceptable to buy your daughter an Oscar de la Renta dress for her sister's piano recital. 

We're in Carrie and Big's apartment and imagine spending most of your adult life pursuing an emotionally unavailable man who turns out to be... this:

Remember when you married and then cheated on Natasha xxx. Image: Binge. 

Meanwhile, Miranda is going back to university and in a fun turn of events, she's also developed a drinking problem. Americans don't do subtlety well so we get about four shots of a BAR that sells ALCOHOL and then Miranda entering before it's open, and having to wait until 11am to have a drink. 

She arrives in her tutorial and she goes full middle-aged white woman. 

It would appear that And Just Like That is trying to make up for Sex and the City's lack of diversity, but they're trying to do so in the slick timeframe of 20 minutes.

Miranda's professor is a woman of colour, and Miranda not only comments on her hair and her race, but also humiliates herself and every other white woman who's ever existed in the process.

How did you become... this. Image: Binge.

"It's like I was so scared of saying the wrong thing that I said all the wrong things," Miranda reflects later and... wot.

In a podcast studio across the city, Carrie is co-hosting a truly appalling show about "gender roles, sexual roles and cinnamon rolls". Yes there's a button the host presses that says 'WOKE MOMENT,' and no there's no structure. Carrie is asked why women don't masturbate on the subway and idk maybe because it's illegal?

On her way out of the building, Carrie gets some feedback. "You can't just sit there giggling, you know what I mean?" and I wish so deeply that someone had told her this two decades ago.

At home, Carrie sits at her computer which reminds me of one of the fundamental questions I've always had about Sex and the City: why did none of us notice that she's a really, very terrible writer?

Thank u. Image: Binge.

Then comes a truly disturbing scene. 

Without a trigger warning. 

Carrie asks Big to masturbate in front of her and he starts moaning and I DIDN'T KNOW THE GENRE OF THIS NEW SERIES WAS HORROR.

Big, no. Image: Binge.

Thankfully, he... stops, and it's time for Lily's piano recital which feels a lot more family-friendly.

Steve looks like this and has two hearing aids and just in case baby Brady being a horny young adult didn't make it clear enough: we are all ageing. Rapidly. 

Also, my son is an adult who won't stop having sex. Image: Binge.

Stanford arrives and it's sad because we know he won't be around for long. But there's no time for that. Because Lily is a low-key professional piano player, and she appears to be playing the soundtrack to something... horrible.

Big is deep in his disturbing relationship with his virtual Peloton instructor, Allegra, and we have a terrible feeling.

He's sweating. 

He's peddling harder.

STOP BIG YOU'RE NOT 40 ANYMORE.

Calm... down. Image: Binge.

As he steps off his Peloton (in case you missed it he's obsessed with his PELOTON. He's riding his PELOTON while Carrie's at the recital), he starts feeling pain in his left arm. He grabs his chest, falls into the shower, and dear God Sir can you please grab your phone and call 911. It's right there.

When Carrie arrives home, she sees Big hunched over, still conscious, clearly having chest pains. 

She's wearing the shoes she wore on her wedding day and they get soaked while she tries to help him. It's all very sad and it's almost impossible to imagine how Carrie will ever recover from this but I have one, tiny, potentially insensitive question:

Why didn't Carrie call an ambulance? Why does she just sit with him and scream. I'm not calling her a murderer but...

'I'M HAVING CHEST PAINS???' Image: Binge.

As much as I was yelling at Carrie to pls call emergency services, this storyline is genius. And thank God we go straight into episode two. But first. 

I need to have a word with Peloton. Because I feel like this was product placement. But it backfired. I have never been less likely to buy a Peloton than I am right now. 

We open on Brady having full-blown sex with his girlfriend and please you're an infant. This is inappropriate. 

But a few minutes in, I'm reminded of one of the many things I've missed about Sex and the City: Charlotte's ugly crying.

You cry sweetie. Image: Binge.

Just like you did after Big bailed on his wedding. Image: Binge.

On the street. In public. Image: Binge.

Carrie shoves Charlotte in a taxi because she's being too much.

Over at her university, Miranda is trying to stand up for her lecturer who is being asked for ID by security. 

Why does Dr. Nya Wallace keep getting into uncomfortable situations right in the vicinity of Miranda. Why is Miranda always there. Why won't Miranda leave this poor woman alone.

She's accused of being a white saviour and yes but also a bit of a Karen which is a real shame for Miranda. But they've given her the haircut and now they must give her the storyline.

We're at the funeral and it doesn't feel right to point out that the funeral fashion is great but it really is. 

Classic Carrie. Great inspo for your husband's funeral. Image: Binge.

Miranda demands a drink. Because of course she does.

This funeral feels far more like a conference than a... memorial, and Miranda's speech - written by Carrie - seems to say the words 'very sad' and 'how lucky' one million times.

But, as always, it's the goddamn music and photos montage that gets me. 

A happy song at a funeral is my Achilles heel so yes, I'm not proud to admit it but I feel things. For the man who ditched Carrie on her wedding day. And is now dead because she inexplicably refused to call an ambulance.

After the service, Miranda finds Brady smoking (again, Sir, you're an infant) and yells at Che - Carrie's podcast co-host - for giving it to him. But no.

I feel it in my loins. That we're witnessing a budding love story.

Watch the trailer for And Just Like That. Post continues after video.

Poor Steve. Who's going to help him with his hearing aids?

At home, Carrie sends a text to Samantha to thank her for sending flowers for Big's funeral, and you just know that Sarah Jessica Parker and Kim Cattrall's actual text message history is a lot more spicy.

Again, Miranda finds herself far too close to her professor while a man in the subway tries to rob her (why is this woman so unlucky!?) and she saves the day. Maybe she'll be forgiven for being the Very Worst White Woman for the last episode and a half.

But pause. Because Carrie's received Big's ashes with the same casualness as a delivery from The Iconic and she intentionally doesn't invite Charlotte over to help her process it. Why?

Because she's a lot. That's why. Image: Binge.

We end with Carrie sleeping on her couch, next to Big's ashes and I'm going to need episode three immediately because this show is the greatest thing to happen to me in 2021.

For more from Clare Stephens, you can follow her on Instagram, where she live recapped the first two episodes of And Just Like That.