''How did you get boys?' People ask this about my adopted sons.'

There’s a stigma surrounding physical imperfection in Chinese and other Asian cultures. A child with missing fingers or prominent birth marks might be seen as unlucky or flawed. Since the Chinese government sets limits on how many children a family can have, the so-called runts or bad apples are often tossed aside so the family can try again. Yeah, I know that’s a hard way to phrase it, and yes, I am more sensitive when I talk to my kids about this, but that’s the reality of how most people’s China adoption stories begin.

The typical Western perspective on China’s one-child policy is that Chinese families want sons and that daughters are viewed as inferiors. There are horror stories about girls being smothered at birth and left on park benches and bus stations. Unwanted babies aren’t registered so the family tries again…maybe again and again. There are whispers about forced, late-term abortions…things that make us cringe and shake our heads, like I did before I went to China.

I’ve been all over China: big cities, small cities, towns where I’m certain I’ve been the only Westerner someone has seen. I have a hard time putting into words how different their culture and people are.

Yes, we’re all fundamentally human but their values and perspectives on family, communication and everything are different. You have to see it or study it extensively to understand it and even then, if it’s not your culture I don’t think you can completely understand it … but that’s just me.

It’s pretty easy to sit on this side, to judge and criticise China’s family planning policy as Draconian or something that should change. Part of me thinks these rules are BS, but I don’t live in a polluted, grossly overpopulated country. Some might argue that the United States is exactly that but trust me…two weeks in China will quickly change your perspective.

I find younger generation Chinese more willing to discuss their feelings on family planning rules (hint, don’t call it one-child policy). There are exceptions and loopholes. Different rules apply to ethnic minorities, if your parents had siblings and your first child is a girl … I don’t claim to be an expert on the laws of a country I don’t live in. I can barely keep the rules straight over here. I’ve learned not to judge or point fingers about this.

So what do I think of China’s one-child policy? I think it’s their policy. There are consequences for breaking the rules, and by consequences I mean fines and lack of benefits for an “unregistered” child - not the forced abortions Western media might sensationalise. Everyone has access to birth control. The rules are not a secret, and no, I won’t tell you I appreciate the one-child policy because it gave me my children. I don’t believe in all that “meant to be” hype.

The one-child laws were made by people in a country I don’t live in who face issues I don’t face. If I thought hard enough, I could find something to criticise about the laws of Canada or Iceland. I have enough on the plate in front of me to worry about that stuff…besides, what’s that saying about shoes I haven’t walked in? I try to remember that one every time my fingers starts feeling pointy.

This post originally appeared on SheKnows.com and was republished here with full permission.

Jill writes about adoption, motherhood and midlife on her blog, Ripped Jeans and Bifocals. She’s a regular contributor for Babble, Blunt Moms and the Huffington Post. Her writing has also been featured on Scary Mommy, In the Powder Room and in the Washington Post. She’s a Listen to Your Mother Austin alumni and was named a BlogHer Voice of the Year for 2015. Follow Jill on Facebook and Twitter.

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