THIS is what it's like to have a threesome

by EMILY MCCOMBS, xojane.com

This story originally appeared on xoJane.com here.

I worked from home yesterday, and after cleaning out the fridge (with my mouth), I took one of my frequent masturbation breaks. WHAT? Lesley plays video games during conference calls.

I usually just think about something fucked up I once did on loop, but on this day I decided to visit a fine purveyor of pornography for a little visual aid to my self-love session. As is my way, I typed in “MMF,” which for the uninitiated, stands for Male-Male-Female.

I used pretty much the first clip that came up, which was nothing special, but I do love a whisper of a plotline, so I appreciated the time taken to film the busty blonde actress answering her hotel room door and small-talking with the pair of beefy stud muffins who awaited.

“You guys horny or something?” she asked, when they immediately started grabbing at her giant augmented breasts. (I’LL SAY THEY ARE! LOL!) It allowed me to extrapolate them all at some sales conference where she was about to settle in to rent a 14-dollar-movie on demand right before these two reps showed up all high on minbottles of vodka and harnessed earning potential.

I actually had to stop masturbating to make it to the end of this 3-minute clip. (I’m like a dude who is instantly, completely DONE with sex post-orgasm, so I’m used to being all like STOP STOP STOP STOP NOT YET.)

Anyway, all this got me thinking about why, in a world where the two-lady threesome is held up as the epitome of male accomplishment, are more women not talking about doing it with two dudes? Because that shit is straight-up awesome.

I want to tell you a story, about a simpler time, when alcohol was for drinking and my vagina was free and untamed by monogamy. I was underage at a bar engaging in the time-honored activity of “talking to a cute boy.” We were in that fun stage between flirting and going home together, when everybody just sort of casually knows they’re getting laid pretty soon. But then, a plot twist! Cute boy’s cute friend arrived and also began flirting with me.

I was stymied. I mean, all things being physically equal, how the hell do I know which one I want to have sex with? Strange dudes are like those dollar thrift store grab bags you have to take home and open up to find out what’s inside. Colour me naive, but when we all ended up back at one of the guy’s apartments, I still thought there was a Sophie’s Choice to be made.

Until one of the guys started kissing me, while the other’s hand crept up my skirt. In an instant, my vagina felt like the sexual equivalent of a winning pinball machine, all flashing lights and dingdingdingsdingdings.

I was the complete center of attention. Two guys, two penises, two pairs of groping, grabbing hands, two bodies writhing on either side of me — I am getting squirmy just thinking about it!

Unfortunately, the story has a tragic ending. No more than a few minutes after we began, Dude #1 freaked out about being in close proximity to his buddy’s boner and the whole thing ground to a halt, leaving me with a mean case of blue (pink?) balls. But an obsession was born, and I went on to make the two-guy thing happen on multiple occasions and it was always completely amazing.

So the fact that the term “threesome,” even and especially in women’s media, default-means the FFM kind, is just one more piece of evidence that our cultural concept of sexuality is organised around male pleasure. Seriously, Google “How to Have a Threesome” right now. Fully half of those links are from women’s sites telling you how to find a girl to threesome your husband with. (If you Google MMF threesome, you just get porn.)

This isn’t to say I haven’t had and enjoyed FFM threesomes; I have. But nobody’s talking about chicks doing it with two guys, except to call it “the devil’s threesome” or the like. And yet everybody assumes all guys would love to have sex with two women. The genital math is off. I call SEXISM, and that’s not a war phone I pick up lightly.

Actually, let’s go ahead and call homophobia too, since it’s presumed that MMF threesomes involve only straight dudes who high-five in Eiffel Tower formation over the chick they’re double-teaming, whereas the two girls in a FFM threesome are generally expected to at least make out and rub each other’s boobies. (To be honest, I prefer that both of the men in my threesome be straight, but that’s because I am an attention vampire.)

The other great thing about a MMF threesome is that it’s waaaay easier to put together than the other kind. Sure, you run the risk of the boner proximity issue I experienced on my first try, but if you’re using the Internet to find willing parties, they are much more plentiful and reliable than “unicorns” — which is swinger slang for single girls who want to come bang a couple out of the goodness of their hearts.

So I’m curious — have you ever boned two dudes, or do you fantasise about it? And why is it that it seems like such a slutty and taboo thing for a woman to want? With all the great and fun ways for human beings to mash our genitals together; why are we stuck in such a threesome rut?

Emily is freaking psyched to be managing editor at xoJane.com. Before this, she was the managing editor for Asylum.com and a contributing editor at Lemondrop.com. She is the creator, writer and star of the web series “A Woman’s Perspective.” She has also written for a bunch of magazines and websites, like BUST, Marie Claire, Elle, Maxim, TheFrisky.com, TheFix.com and Nerve.com.

Have you ever had a threesome? Spill. What was it like?