One day, at the age of 24, I was sitting on the balcony washing my clothes by hand. The next door neighbours were having a girls’ night in and chattering away to each other. The topic was a friend of theirs who happened to be around my age.
The conversation went something like this: ‘Yeah, she’s still a virgin. No experience. And, you know, it’s become such a big thing for her – like it’s a big problem that she’s ashamed about.’
At the time I too was a virgin. Fast-forward 8 years and I still am. In fact, I’ve never been kissed. But this feeling of shame was not something I could identify with then and it still isn’t, although it seems to be a common thing.
I wonder whether people believe that all those who get to 30+ and haven’t had a relationship feel like this.
Because it’s certainly not the case.
At 32, I’m in a reasonable position to share a perspective on what it feels like to have no sexual experience at an age when most people do. I also want to reflect on how I might have got to this position. It really is a curious thing, even for me.
Let’s address shame first. I don’t feel shame because I don’t think there is something inherently ‘wrong’ with being a virgin or with me. Therefore, there’s no shame in it.
If, on the other hand, I had cheated, lied, mistreated a sexual partner or was generally a lousy human being, then I would feel shame. By that measure, there are many non-virgins who should feel shame.
I don’t worry that I’m not worth liking. It seems other people don’t either. On the odd occasion that someone asks about previous relationships and finds I haven’t had any, they generally respond with a combination of disbelief and surprise. My favourite comment so far was ‘Serious? But you’re a such a good package!’ What a compliment!
Top Comments
Very honest and realty based article - and yes, many people in this position, but it’s the great unspoken. The only people I discuss with are my trusted GP (no, I didn’t need to consider a Pap smear). Funnily my male gp is serious and thoughtful in giving me medical advise in this area - female gp’s have to hold back their shock!!
I laugh to myself that I have my ‘once a decade’ crush that reminds me that I am indeed heterosexual, but first two showed no interest, and third was off limits. I pretty well gave up in my early 30’s when I saw that I just couldn’t compete with other women who were more confident, sure of them selves and more appealing.. now I just couldn’t care less..people have real problems, this is just one of those life path things, just not my path..don’t sweat this one, does it really matter, I don’t think so.