Most articles about breastfeeding focus on the pain and struggles of the early weeks. But if you get through that, breastfeeding just becomes part of your life. Which comes with its own set of problems… minor ones, but problems all the same.
1. Your baby needs something to play with while they’re breastfeeding, so they choose your other nipple and twiddle it like a radio dial. Noooo! Take my face, take anything, but not my other nipple!
2. You find yourself standing in a public place, absentmindedly grabbing your own boobs, trying to work out which one was emptied last. Oh, the right one feels fuller? Time for the left one, then. Yep, I just felt myself up in front of total strangers.
3. You get excited about finally getting all dressed up to go out. It will only be when you’re out, and your baby wants a feed, that you realise you have worn an outfit that has not been chosen specifically for the purposes of breastfeeding. Like, a dress that does not open in the front. You need to strip to your underwear to feed your baby.
4. Your baby falls asleep while feeding, but then you make the terrible mistake of snapping your maternity bra back into place. It’s a deafening sound, and your baby’s eyes pop open. Nooo…
5. You forget you have just breastfed your baby and you answer the door to the religious callers with your boob hanging out.
6. Your baby twists. With your nipple still in their mouth. Then twists the other way, till your boob is almost in a knot. What are you doing? Isn't this supposed to be putting you off to sleep?
7. You only have a tiny window in which you can drink alcohol without guilt. This begins when your baby finishes breastfeeding and you put them down to sleep, praying they will not wake up again for a long time. Wine must be gulped, so it can be out of your system before the next feed. This is a shame, because "newborn baby" and "must have wine" are two phrases that are inextricably linked.
8. Your baby decides to test out their new teeth on your nipple, just because... well, it's hilarious to hear you scream. This is not an accidental thing. Oh no. You can tell by the cheeky look in their eyes.
Here's Carrie Bickmore and Steve Price going head-to-head over breastfeeding. Post continues over the video.
9. You're out with friends and your toddler decides it's time for a breastfeed. So they pull up your top and shout, "Boobie!" Which seems perfectly fine at home, but you've just realised it's slightly less appropriate for social situations.
10. You get so used to your breasts being the magical solution to every problem that you find yourself having to repress the urge to pop everyone on the boob. Stranger's child? Not appropriate, even if your breasts do ache when you hear them cry. Years down the track, you will find yourself wanting to pop your seven-year-old on the boob when they fall over in the playground.
11. At some point, when your baby is feeding and looks up at you and smiles, you realise that this will end one day. You'll always be close to your child, but you'll never feel this kind of physical closeness again. And you feel sad.
What other problems do you think only breastfeeding mums will understand?