1. The decision
It’s the end of a looooong day at work – a day which was so stressful that you completely missed lunch and only managed to chow down on a couple of Monte Carlo biscuits for afternoon tea. You’re feeling simultaneously wound up and exhausted, which is never a good combination. You can’t even fathom the concept of dragging yourself to the gym.
But wait… your gym offers yoga at night. And yoga is supposed to de-stress you, right? And there’s that whole mindfulness thing, which you don’t really understand but surely it can only be a good thing. Okay. Yoga it is.
2. The crisis
You have literally nothing to wear to yoga. Yes, you have exercise clothes, but nothing adequately yoga-ish to really capture the essence of mindfulness and peace you’re hoping to achieve. All your tops are too tight, and all your pants suck. And you’re not sure if you have any clean socks. And what shoes are you supposed to wear? You can’t remember what you wore to yoga last time.
You pull on a t-shirt and a random hoodie and some trackpants and resolve to go to Lululemon on the weekend to invest in some kind of proper yoga outfit. Even if you have to take out a mortgage in order to do so.
Everyone at yoga is wearing Lululemon. In matching pastel colours. And they all have their own yoga mats. You’re going to be the only amateur that has to use the sweaty gym-provided yoga mats… and you forgot to bring a towel. Ewww. You mentally add a yoga mat to your weekend shopping list.
The doors to class open, and everyone confidently waltzes in and starts setting up their mats and confidently settling in to various yoga poses. You walk in, pick a spot near the back, spend ages trying to straighten your yoga mat on the floor, and then have an extensive internal battle about whether or not you should leave your socks on.
Class hasn’t even started and the woman next to you is already doing some kind of fancy salute-the-sun-upside-down-with-both-feet-entwined pose. You know you are meant to be peaceful and mindful… but you hate her a little bit already. Whoops.
4. Class begins
Your yoga teacher, who you have nicknamed Captain Zen, speaks in the kind of tone that suggests she has reached some whole new level of stress-free enlightenment. Also, she says phrases like “feel more, think less” and “breathe in joy and peace”. In contrast, you spend most of your time swearing at your computer and thinking about Monte Carlo biscuits. You want to be her.
5. The epiphany
Why don’t you do yoga every day? Seriously – the room is darkened and everyone is sitting and stretching and breathing, and there is gentle music in the air, and you’re slowly coming to the realisation that your everyday life is far too frantic to possibly maintain. You want to be this relaxed all the time. You’re going to start getting up every morning, 45 minutes earlier, to do yoga before you go to work. You’re going to wear that fancy gear all the time and you’re going to have an entire collection of yoga mats. You’re going to drink green smoothies as you downward-dog the morning away. You’re going to go on yoga retreats to beachside resorts and do yoga as the sun rises over the waves. You will be Miranda Kerr, Gwyneth Paltrow and Gisele Bundchen, all in one.