The 20 most annoying things you can possibly say to a parent.

1. “Enjoy these moments, they’re only little once.”

Yes Deborah, I’ll wish for the moment when my son broke a vase in a store, my daughter shat her pants and it’s leaking and I have grocery bags in my hand while both run in each direction and I want to scream and cry all while wishing I was invisible. I will absolutely wish for those moments.

2. “Ohhh you’ve got your hands full.” *condescending chuckle*

Yeah I do and if I had an extra hand I’d slap you with it.

3. The child free *sshole who tells you, “oh I just hate kids … couldn’t imagine giving up my sleep.”

I wish I had that extra hand so I could give you three slaps.

4. "How many months are you?" when you gave birth 19 months ago.

Well actually I'm due to give birth to this burrito at any moment ... so who knows? But thanks for noticing my glow. Don't assume unless you can see the baby's head crowning.

5. Weirdos in public who give your kids a lollipop.

(despite your baby being a newborn ...)

6. Grandparents who let your child have a little bit of wine or coffee or lollies.

May as well just give them crack. I will cut you.

7. The *sshole who comments on what you're feeding your kids and is horrified you'd feed your kids nuggets.

It's protein Susan ... chillax.

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8. The *sshole who tells you that breastfeeding is better than bottle feeding.

9. The same jerk who also tells you not to breastfeed in public.

10. Anyone who states that this generation of parents are raising spoilt children.

11. Randoms who tell your children off.

"Geez I'm sorry that my son was laughing in public, Gary. Next time I'll tape his mouth shut."

12. The jerks who will praise dads when they're out with their kids as a good babysitter or say "poor dad, tough job by himself with the kids".

Nah uh... his semen ran that ship to my uterus, he's just as in this as me, thanks!

#throwback to when Luca only had eyes for daddy. Still does but mummy is the best, or so he tells me ????

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13. The "was it planned?" or "are they all yours?"

Nope I just had sex with lots of random men and shot some babies out like cannonballs. Actually I went into a field with other women who also shot their babies out like cannonballs and just picked whichever landed next to me.

14. No ... they are not twins.

One is speaking a certain type of English and the other one is drinking milk and drooling. That should be a pretty good indication of where we are at.

15. "She doesn't look anything like you."

Well thank God for that, I just found her in a field where women just shot babies out like cannonballs...

16. "Omg he's so small!"

Just. Like. Your. Brain.

17. "Omg he's so big!!"

Just. Like. Your. Wait ... shut up!

18. "You should sleep when the baby sleeps."

The baby doesn't sleep Susan ... so what now?

19. "You should let them cry it out."

Ugh yes, because the sound of a baby crying is like a soothing lullaby to my ears. Also, no.

20. My favourite: "you're making a rod for your back."

Well spinal surgeons do earn quite a lot of money, so it may not be a bad thing there...

This post first appeared on the Mum on the Run Facebook page, and you can read the original here. You can read more from Laura Mazza on her blog here, and follow her on Instagram here.