"He called my vagina a velvet purse." 17 people share the worst dates they've ever been on.

Image: Legally Blonde.

There are good dates, bad dates.. and then these.

On a recent thread on Mumsnet, users shared the worst dates they’ve ever been on – and they’ll make your last date that went wrong seem like a dream in comparison.

1. No pet names.

Some people just don’t quite understand the concept of romance.

“The guy who, minutes into our first snog, asked me to hold his ‘love truncheon’. It was as if someone flicked a switch at that moment,” said Marzipanmaggie.

2. Honesty was probably not the best policy.

A conversation about a controversial topic instantly turned into  one user’s worst date ever.

“He said ‘I’d never pay for sex, because you never know…’ I’m thinking ‘if the woman has been coerced or trafficked’. He went on ‘if it was going to be any good’,” she wrote. (Watch: The cliches single girls are sick of hearing. Post continues after video.)

3. Teething problems.

Just as things were heating up, they cooled off. Immediately.

“When he took his front teeth out and dropped them in a glass of water full of ‘bits’ on the bedside table,” said fishbits. Gross.

4. Just no.

“He called my vagina a velvet purse… ” said lionheartedwoman. Wow.

5. Big love.

“Finding out about his wife and four kids over the main course. This happened to me with two different men on first dates. But it’s OK apparently, ‘because she really doesn’t mind’. Right. Well I do,” contribued user MrsCaecilius. (Post continues after gallery.)

6. Knickers in a knot.

“I was having dinner with a bloke once on a first date but we weren’t getting on particularly well or anything. We were waiting for the bill when he asked me without a molecule of humour or irony, ‘What colour knickers are you wearing?’ Just as if he was asking ‘So how was your day?” said one user.

“I just sort of chuckled and said something like ‘Grey and baggy, now piss off’. I stormed off, so he had to pay.”

7. Puppy love.

“The first time I slept with him we were doing it doggy position but rather than thrusting in and out he kind of just rocked side to side. I just slowly looked round at him, stunned,” said one user.

8. Mother knows best.

A man who loves his mum is endearing – to a point.

“He told me he was in love with another woman, his mother, and I would have to ‘overcome’ her to prove myself to him,” said expatinscotland.

9. Mama Mia!

Clearly, it’s a common issue.

“He talked about his mum all the time. And he said ‘poo’ instead of shit,” said ifnotnowthenwhenever.

 10. Not the breast idea.

"With one bloke we'd been sort-of friends and went for a date to the cinema. Halfway through the film he places his hand on my right breast and just leaves it there. He didn't even have his arm around me, he was just sitting up straight with his hand on my breast," wrote user clashcityrocker.

"I didn't really know how to react so excused myself for a wee and went to the pub instead."

11. Dinner date.

If they do this, push them straight out the door.

"[He said to me] 'You have eaten more than last time'. It kept me questioning myself a lot," said Inexperiencedchick.

12. National disgrace.

"I cooked a dinner for the man I had been interested in for ages and who had pursued me for as long. He had impeccable taste in art, design and all things beautiful (but I don't include myself that). He announced over dinner that he was a 'national socialist'. I coughed and panicked, I assumed he had got socialist muddled up with National Socialist and laughed," said flaminnoravera.

"'Of course you are not really a Nazi', I giggled. 'Oh yes', he said. 'I hate ... (and proceeded to reel off a list of all the groups in society that he hated). He was dumped. I consider myself to be a lucky escapee."

13. Driven away.

"One guy memorised my number plate and sent me an email a year after we'd lost contact having a go at me for some driving infringement he'd noticed when in the area," said iguanatail.

14. Litterbug.

"He threw litter out of his car window. All the time," said one contributor.

15. Plan foiled.

"The one who said, 'I know your plan, young lady'. Apparently as a single mother I wanted to move my 'clan' into his (smaller than mine) house. So he was 'making sure we took it slow'," said one user.

"This was when we met for a drink (not even a date really). Riiigggggghhhht. Bye then." (Post continues after gallery.)

16. Cheapskate.

"I'd bagged tickets to a really hard-to-get-tickets-for gig, and mentioned it to a guy I'd met through work (and who seemed nice) who jumped at the chance to come with me. Boy, was he miserable" said one woman.

"I happily bought him a drink in the pub beforehand. Bought him another on arrival at the gig. Equality, and all that. Then bought him another. And another. No offer of one for me, who had bought the tickets. He even had the cheek to complain about the price of the drinks that I was paying for, then he moaned about the band we went to see (he'd previously said he loved them...turns out he'd barely heard of them), then wanted to leave early and got a strop on when I said I wanted to stay until the end."

"He said he'd love to leave early and come back to mine to 'hang out' and 'talk' properly. I said as I barely knew him I'd would rather 'hang out' at the gig as arranged. He had a a tantrum and walked out - then texted the a few days later - not to thank me for the tickets and drinks and company, but to ask me if I could get tickets to another gig."

17. Gimme some sugar.

"One date stole the sugar sachets from the cafe we were having a coffee in. Filled his pockets," said fedupwithjudgementalpeople.

"Me: what are you doing with the sugar? Him: stealing it."

A real catch, right?

What's your worst date story?