'Why do you want both?' I was shamed for being a working mum. Here's what I said.

A couple of months ago, I wrote an article about being unsure how to navigate the dual roles of lawyer and mum. Unexpectedly, a professional association shared it on their Facebook page. Largely, it received really lovely and supportive feedback. However, there was one comment that wasn't so supportive.

“Why do you have to be both? Isn’t motherhood enough? 😊 Clearly, no”.

I am aware that on the scale of Internet commentary, this is incredibly tame and downright polite (although the emoji irrationally bugged me). But it hit a nerve.

My son goes through phases where he prefers my husband to me. At about this time he was in the midst of a particularly intense one and I had been unable to settle him one night. That really threw me, because I had previously been able to rationalise that dad was the “fun” parent and I was the 'boring, safe space' one. The thought that he might prefer my husband for both fun and comfort was a bit devastating.

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And in the back of my mind I couldn’t stop that comment playing over and over. “Why *isn’t* motherhood enough for you?” And the kicker - “Maybe that’s why Patrick prefers his dad. Because he knows he isn’t enough for you”.

My husband recommended I ignore the comment. That was sage advice, but try as I might, I could not forget about it and I could not stop the sting it caused in my heart.

I ended up replying.

“My knee jerk reaction to your question is “interest rates and cost of living”, however I suppose that’s not strictly correct. If my husband and I were inclined to make drastic changes to our living situation and lifestyle I could stop being a lawyer.

However, the truth is that I don’t *have* to be both, I *want* to.

Image: Supplied.

Motherhood is the most extraordinary, fulfilling and wonderful thing I have ever done. Nothing brings me greater joy. But truthfully - it’s not enough for me, and I think that’s okay.

I studied for a long time and have worked hard in an industry that I find intellectually stimulating and rewarding. I am hoping to find a way to be both a mum and a lawyer because I can be a better mum when I nurture those other aspects of myself.

I wrote this article as a way to process my own feelings in this season of change, and in the hopes it may resonate with others feeling a similar way.”

I ended up replying partly because the lawyer in me needed the final say, but also because I didn’t want to leave the accusation unchecked. I thought we had moved on from the demand that motherhood be all fulfilling for every single woman. I know it will be for many, but I hoped that if another mum who also needs something else were to come across these comments, she might see the rebuttal and be spared the guilt spiral I put myself through.

Again, I know it was an incredibly mild slight against my parenting skills, but it really hurt. It's symbolic of all the other judgements, both big and small, that get thrown parents' way. I don’t quite understand what drives someone to offer their criticism of other people’s parenting choices. Can someone be so sure of their own opinion that they feel the need to tell a stranger that they are doing it wrong?

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Or do they throw out negative feedback on the internet assuming the subject of their criticism will never see it? And if so, what in earth does that achieve?

It’s likely I am being overly sensitive. Putting content out into the world means accepting that people will have a contrary view. Of course, people are entitled those views and entitled to share them. But maybe it’s worth remembering that, especially when it comes to parenting, we are all doing our best and probably feel way over our heads. We don’t know what anyone else is walking through at any given time and a kind and supportive word will almost inevitably go so much further than a judgemental one will.

Feature Image: Supplied.