"I used to think working mothers were bludgers. Now I'm one of them."

by ALISSA WARREN

Going back to work is a bit shit.

It’s not what I thought it would be.

Well, it is.

The problem is me. I’M not what I thought I’d be.

I’m a bit shit.

It’s been about three months since I started back in the office. I’d heard the standard lines about going to the toilet on my own, having a cuppa at my desk, doing something other than wiping bottoms and making jam sandwiches, talking to adults. You know the drill.

But no one told me about the rest. The big stuff. The frustrations that plague me when I lie in bed waiting for sleep to come.

These are the things that no one told me about. So, I’m telling them to you. Because if you’re about to go back to work? This is the real deal.

1.You’re not who you were.

The commitment. It’s over. You’re not exclusively owned by your job.

You work for two businesses. One is called Work. The other is called My Family. Working for two businesses is hard. It’s all-consuming and most of the time, they don’t really give a crap about the other.

Your brain is like a computer window. Previously, you’d have one window open, right? In your new life, you’ll have around eight or more tabs open at once and you’re constantly flicking through all of them. All day. It’s exhausting. And lovely. But mostly, exhausting. Neither business ever really closes.

2. The day is shorter. Much, much shorter.

Unless you’re Angelina Jolie, the days of working until a million o’clock are over. In the beginning, I thought, TERRIFIC! But often the best projects happen 17 minutes before you have to leave. And you have to leave. Because if you don’t leave the office at the same time, every day your child will be locked out of daycare (or worse you’ll be paying an extra $10 per minute that you’re late) or your baby will miss their bedtime (or worse you won’t get to see them before bedtime).

Still, I guess you can always work from home. Bahahaha.

Time is golden. Sure, it makes you a better employee and all that stuff because you’re packing goodness into the time that you’re there blah, blah, blah. But as far as you’re concerned? Time is golden. And a little bit tarnished on the edges.

3. You are THAT person.

I remember when mothers used to arrive at work at 9am or leave at 2.30pm. I’d think to myself, ‘you’re a fraud’. Yep, that’s what I thought. Mothers were bludgers. Now, I’m the fraud. I arrive right on cue. I leave right on cue. Would I like to stay longer? You bet. But I can’t. My kids don’t give a toss about my really important meeting that starts early or about my boss’ really unfunny story about his kids’ first time on ski’s last week which I had to spend an inordinate amount of time fake-laughing about while I was walking out the door.

You’re the person who is on a schedule. There’s nothing you can do about it except this – Accept and Move On.

4. You’re tired

Remember how tired you were when you got your first full-time job? Remember how tired you were when you were ten weeks pregnant? Combine the two.

5. You’ll compare yourself to non-mothers

This is the most pointless and heartbreaking of them all. You’ll spend days wishing you had the time, effort, energy and passion of your co-workers who don’t have kids. This is normal but incredibly fruitless and depressing. Move on.

It’s true that the good outweighs the bad:

-You don’t muck around. Work happens.

-You have better scope.

-Work crises – at either business – aren’t all-consuming.

It’s wonderful and so rewarding to contribute to a place that isn’t filled with your own snotty faced darlings. And if you’re lucky, you’ll feel valued.

Plus, you DO actually get to go to the toilet on your own. Nice.

The conversation about ‘going back to work’ is so often about childcare, costs and the unattainable ‘balance’. But in all that – there are people. Real mums. Real children. Real families.

Between all the big issues are parents who are trying to squeeze in a ‘date night’, deal with a kid with conjunctivitis, help someone with maths homework or kick off a toddler’s toilet training.

Pre-kids, I worked so hard that sometimes I’d avoid drinking water to reduce necessary toilet breaks so I could do more work. What? It’s true. Now, I make time for drinking water, going to the toilet AND being a good worker.

And I’m a better person because of being a mother at my workplace. To myself. To my boss. To my family. With a whole heap of shitty, but mostly wonderful, feelings to boot.

How did you feel when you went back to work?