Jamila Rizvi: How 'attention seeker' became the new insult against women.

My 10-month-old baby has a new cry.

He’s not crying because he’s hungry. He’s not crying because he’s cold. He’s not crying because he’s in pain, or needs his nappy changed or the computer cord he loves nibbling has been deliberately placed outside of his reach.

He’s crying because he wants attention and he’s figured out that howling is an awfully effective way of getting just that.

It’s not a ‘real’ cry, you see. They’re counterfeit tears. A highly accurate imitation of the real thing.

And here’s where it gets tricky. Because from the other side of the kitchen, or down the hallway from his bedroom, I can’t actually tell whether the noise is bona fide or simply a cry for attention.

"Ignore it. They just want attention" is a much-uttered phrase of parents everywhere and has been since the dawn of time (or at least the dawn of the toddler). But more recently, the same label is increasingly being applied to the actions of adults, specifically, adult women.

Rebecca Onion wrote for Slate earlier this month about two very public instances where adult women were effectively silenced and dismissed by men labelling them as 'attention seeking".

Donald Trump's political campaign manager, Corey Lewandowski, was caught on film groping a political reporter and physically forcing her away from the presidential candidate.

When she - quite rightly - complained, Lewandowski tweeted that she was "an attention seeker". Rapper Chris Brown recently accused singer Kehlani of faking a suicide attempt - "there is no attempting suicide" he said - suggesting that she was simply seeking attention by “flexing for the [Insta]gram.”

The phrase 'doing it for the attention' infantilises the person it's applied to. The language has quite literally been appropriated from the mouths of parents seeking to explain the behaviour of young children and transferred to adult women.

It's generally used to describe a woman who is making a complaint or seeking an audience for her experiences, or alternatively, to denigrate women for how they physically present themselves.

The words carry a clear implication: That the attention is both unwarranted and undeserved.

A woman who wears a short skirt and a lot of make-up is 'doing it for the attention'. So, you should just ignore her. A woman who complains of chronic pain is 'doing it for the attention'. Don't be fooled, she's making it up. A woman who is upset because she's fighting with her sister is 'doing it for the attention'. Don't be sympathetic, they're always doing this.

A woman who speaks out about workplace harassment.

A woman who self harms.

A woman who tells you that she's been raped.

All of them, 'doing it for the attention'...

"A woman who self harms. A woman who tells you that she's been raped. All of them, 'doing it for the attention'..."  Image via iStock. 

It's instantly dismissive. Sending a message that is both cutting and cruel in its simplicity. Use of the phrase tells the person it's applied to that their behaviour is undeserving of a reaction from others.

The subtext is that the person themselves - their needs, their wants, their existence - is unimportant and unworthy. That they are being emotionally manipulative, insincere and inauthentic.

Now, I say all this in full knowledge that I myself have used the phrase "attention seeking", if not out loud then certainly in my head. I've used it to describe children and animals and, yes, adults too.

I suspect most of us have experienced that uncomfortable feeling that an interaction with another human being is somehow orchestrated or choreographed. A niggling suspicion that someone it trying to illicit a particular emotional reaction from you, whether it be envy, sympathy or otherwise. A niggling suspicion that maybe such a reaction isn't deserved.

The phrase is a valid description of observed human behaviour. It only becomes problematic when it's used in a gendered way; to denigrate the behaviour of women and invalidate their experiences. It's problematic because when the same behaviour is exhibited by men, it doesn't attract the same negative implication.

The pursuit of attention is a fundamental human desire. We all want to be loved, to be cared for, to be cherished, to be praised and all of those things require that attention be paid. But our societal norms demand that women not display this desire openly. It is considered unfeminine and inappropriate for a woman to actively draw attention to herself, whether consciously or unconsciously. Instead, she must remain passive, waiting for the limelight to be thrust upon her instead of seeking it out.

Now, all of this may seem like mere semantics but our unconscious, gendered use of the phrase 'attention seeking' can be incredibly harmful. Behaviour that is commonly labelled as attention seeking can be a masked call for help. Often the call is unmasked; in the case of a woman speaking up about a rape or sexual assault, for example.

Jamila Rizvi on her one word for 2016. (Post continues after video.)

The dismissal of women's stories as 'attention seeking' is both damaging to the individual - by invalidating her experience - and serves as a cautionary tale to others. Women are sent a clear message to shut up about when they have been wronged, to keep it to themselves... to further compound their suffering, by doing so in silence.

When we hear a child crying from the next room, we go and check on them. Even when we suspect the reason for the cry isn't something to be worried about. We always check. Just in case.

Our response to a cry for attention from an adult whom we care about should be no different. As fellow human beings we should not be passive but active. Standing ready to help, open to listening, alert to the actions of another person's distress. That response must apply regardless of the gender of the caller and regardless of our internal suspicions about the validity of the attention that person is seeking.

Surely, we should always check. Just in case.