By KATE HUNTER
How do you know whose advice to take when it comes to raising your kids?
It used to be so easy: you just had your mother, your mother-in-law, your sisters and the lady at the shops to either listen to or tell to pull their heads in.
Now, the whole entire world is joining in the chorus of people telling you you’re doing it wrong.
Some are highly qualified teachers, doctors, nurses and academics.
Others, like me, spout stuff for no other reason than it’s interesting to talk about.
So how do you evaluate which advice you listen to?
Whose criticism do you take to heart?
And whose opinions do let bounce off your brain straight into the bin?
Here’s a handy guide to help you sort through the oceans of advice and opinion out there.
Q: Is the advice coming from someone who stands to make money from dispensing it? Are they selling a book, DVD or software program guaranteed to create healthy, happy kids with Rhodes scholarship potential?
A: Ignore. I know a family who turned out three Rhodes scholars. There were ten kids in their house and neither parent had time to read parenting books. They were too busy parenting. Also they were working, gardening and enjoying a fine social life. Incredible but true.
Q: Is the opinion on whether or not your child’s lunchbox contents are appropriate coming from a blog commenter who calls herself militant_macro_mom ? Are there three or more links to her various blogs? Does she tell you to ‘educate yourself” ? Hmmm. What to do?
A: Ignore
Q: Is the advice coming from someone who at some point has hung out your washing?
A: This is someone you should listen to. In my experience, no person handles the laundry of another (hotel staff excepted) unless there is genuine care and concern at play.
For example, if you have a baby and a toddler , and your sister clears the washing backlog while you sit on the couch with your baby and a cup of tea, then said sister has earned the right to suggest a few tips for getting your toddler to eat something other than popcorn for dinner.
Conversely, if the man next door (who has never so as much brought in your wheelie bin) says your toddler needs to ‘learn some manners’ and not yell so much, you are free – indeed, you’re encouraged to reply with nothing more than a withering stare.
Q: Did you ask for advice on Facebook?
A: Take any advice with a fistful of salt – especially if you have a lot of Facebook friends you have never met. You might post something like: ‘My husband is a chef and he’s keen to teach our kids aged 4 and 6 to cook, but I worry about the sharp knives and the gas burners. Am I being silly?’
Put that out there and you’ll get comments like, ‘Oh, how great he wants to spend time with them. I’m sure he’ll be super-careful. Can’t wait to see pics of their creations!!!!!’
But you may also get comments like, ‘Follow your MATERNAL INSTINCT you stupid woman. My idiot ex decided to teach my son to make damper over an open fire and he ended up with third degree burns. It was not my fault but I have never forgiven myself.
If you were to walk through the casualty department of a public hospital you wouldn’t even consider it. Grow up and act like a real mother and tell your husband to stop showing off. FIRE AND KNIVES ARE NOT TOYS!
If you find this kind of comment upsetting, I’d recommend not soliciting advice on Facebook.
Q: Do you like the children of the person offering advice?
A: If yes, then I’d say sure. The proof is in the pudding. If their kids are happy, kind, polite and enthusiastic about life then someone’s doing something right.
If, however, their kids are rude, sullen, pasty and aggressive, possibly let their advice sail on through to the keeper.
Q: Do you really need advice?
A: Think about it. If your family is muddling along pretty well, if you have more good days than bad days, your kids don’t have scurvy and no one’s on an Interpol watch list, chances are you’re doing just fine.
How do you decide whose parenting advice to take and whose parenting advice to ignore?
Top Comments
The value of a global community on the Internet is that now, instead of just the family around, we can listen to and consider the ideas of many more. I think this is wonderful but also potentially overwhelming. Ultimately everyone will make the decisions of who to listen to based on their instincts and that is the best advice to any mum.
I am 40 with three kids 4 and under. I am happy to take advice from my friends and peers who have children, particularly older ones. I am less inclined to take advice from my own mother and my in-laws; this is mainly due to what I perceive to be the result of a generational gap and fairly varying philosophical views. Whilst some of the "words of wisdom" shared by these wonderful grandparents are well-intentioned and sometimes quite sensible, I actually tend to block out even their most benign suggestions, ideas or general comments ("gosh, tut-tut, we had the kids out of nappies at 18 months" or "kids should wear bibs and be spoon fed until they go to school to avoid so much mess") because of the more emphatic unsolicited recommendations they all tend to make (from the couch!) such as "a good smack never hurt any of our kids" and "really, the kids should be going to church every Sunday", the kinds of thing that are 180 degrees from the way we are trying to parent our kids. I certainly don't believe grandparents have an automatic right to tell me how to raise my kids!
So true! My mother was horrified when she found out I was using disposable nappies with my first. And then equally horrified when I allowed her to eat finger food. Dont even ask me her reaction when she found out I was planning for her to go to childcare one day a week! She insisted on taking her for me so I let her go. And then that availability became not before 10am and on a different day each week and then she needed a few weeks off. Luckily I still kept the daycare place!
My mother and grandmother always gave great advice. My nan was quite the pioneer, she parented my mother and uncle in much the same way as we parent today. She loved being mum.