It's all out relationship war: Who sleeps on which side of the bed?

Wars have been started over it. Couples who were previously blissed out of their minds have considered ending their relationships and people are going to bed at 7pm just to get the sleeping space they want. I’m talking about which side of the bed you sleep on, and in most households, it’s fiercely protected territory.

Picture this, if you will. Single-you loves the left hand side of the bed. You can’t explain it but it’s just where you are, each night, every night. Always have been. You like waking up next to the window, you like being close to the bathroom. Whatever it is that you like, you just like it, okay?

And then he comes.

I think I have to end it. Look at him sleeping there, in my spot. Image: iStock

At first you think he's perfect. Smart, funny. He gets along with your friends and has a good job. He's considerate, kind and your parents love him. He brings you gifts just because, he calls just to see how you are and he just happens to be a downright fox in socks. But then it happens. The first night you *cough* you know, do the sack dance. And he does it. He falls asleep in YOUR SPOT.

Ah, nah buddy, that's not how it works.

You'll excuse it this time cause it's a once off. But over breakfast the next day you bring it up. I mean, if he wants to stay over again he's gonna have to shift right. He just didn't know. Set him right and you can continue on with the love train.

And then he drops it. "I always sleep on the left". Like there it is, no room for debate.

Excuse you!? You most certainly do not! This kind of information is relationship breaking stuff. It's so important that it should be a mandatory disclosure on tinder and your account should only be compatible with those who prefer the other side of the bed.

In fact, studies have been done. By real science people who wear coats and have strong prescription glasses. Sealy conducted a study a while ago which apparently found that people who sleep to the right are more pessimistic about life but as a right-hand side sleeper, I disagree. According to another UK study (nonsense) left-hand side sleepers are also better at tackling work related stress and are calmer in a crisis. It did say though that right hand sleepers tend to earn more than those on the left so you know, swings and roundabouts.

I went searching for info to support my theory that right-hand side sleepers were actually better looking, smarter, more organised and generally better humans but as yet, that study has not been done. Probably because left-hand side sleepers know they're on the inferior side and all these studies are done by people trying to make themselves feel better. Right-hand side sleepers are too busy being awesome to conduct studies.

And then he said:"I sleep on the left." Image: istock

If you do so a search online you can find forums dedicated to people trying to tackle this tricky relationship hurdle. But if you're stretched for time and can't fit in a half-hour to read about other people's sleep habits, I'll save you the trouble. It's tricky ground with neither party wanting to budge from their comfy mattress pozzie.

I was lucky, my husband happened to be a left hand side sleeper. I prefer the right.  We just worked and for twelve years we've never moved. Maybe it's because I'm a huge wuss and the right hand side in all of our bedrooms has always been the furthest away from the door. Maybe subconsciously I think that if someone was to break in, they'd have to deal with him first but, having had three children with this man I can assure you he has an uncanny ability to sleep through anything.

Either way, the right is mine so back off.