When is the 'right time' to start? 5 questions about toilet training, answered.

From the moment my son could utter a few words, I was gifted with a tiny, critical observer during my toilet visits.

Our bathroom D&Ms have since graduated from naming different body parts (penis, vulva, bum) to excited exclamations of the actions being performed (poos, wee-wees, and the all-important hand washing), and now suddenly, just this past weekend, a request to take the toilet for a spin himself.

Watch: Toilet training with perfectly imperfect mums. Post continues after video.

I was completely caught off guard by his sudden interest, so I immediately took to Google for answers to my rapidly multiplying questions about how not to mess this whole thing up. I emerged dazed and confused, having read several lists of 'helpful tips' that completely contradicted one another.

So, I’ve recruited the help of two experts in their respective fields; Deirdre Brandner, child psychologist, parenting expert and author, and Dianne Verstappen, a board-certified behaviour analyst and founder of Aspire Early Intervention. 

Between them, they’ve managed to collectively clear up my confusion and provide some failsafe tips for all parents starting down the road of toilet training (lord help us all).

1. So, when is the 'right time' to start?

Dianne has a wealth of experience guiding parents of both neurotypical children and those on the spectrum, or with learning/developmental delays. She explains, "The right time is when children are ready and when it is easy, quick and enjoyable." But there are some important skills that they need to master to make sure it will play out that way.

She provided a handy checklist:

1. Step up on the stool.

2. Turn around.

3. Pull pants and undies down.

4. Sit down.

5. Tolerate sitting for up to five minutes.

6. Get up off the toilet by themselves.

7. Pull pants back up.

8. Ability to hold bladder for two hours at a time.

It’s important to note that children with learning and speech delays may require some additional teaching strategies and support from parents and carers. According to Dianne, "Children who have a delay may not show outward signs of readiness. They may also not be able to hold once their bladder is full and instead, they might immediately let go."

2. Is there a difference between toilet training boys and girls?

There tends to be a consensus that little girls will be ready before boys and Deirdre confirms that, "Some research suggests girls are more likely to be ready before boys, because at this stage of development they have more advanced physical and language skills, just don’t tell the boys that." 

Despite this, it still varies from child to child. "Readiness and achievement with toilet training is more likely to be associated with the personality of your child, not their gender," says Deirdre. "There really isn’t a great deal of difference."

3. There are so many different approaches out there. Which is best?

Deirdre says there’s no one size fits all approach. Instead, the "process that feels good to you and your child is the best one."

But some helpful strategies include:

• Swapping nappies for pull-ups throughout the day.
• Reading books about learning to use the toilet with them.
• Modelling, i.e.: Letting your child use their potty when you go to the toilet.
• Staying with your child when they are having a go.
• Practising this skill as part of the daily routine to normalise the process.
• Responding to accidents casually, don’t make it a big deal.
• Regardless of approach, consistently is key.
• If it’s not working, take a break and come back to it in a few weeks.

Dierdre also highlights something she calls 'the toilet monster'. "It’s the idea that something leaves your body, goes into a hole, and is followed by a loud splashing and flushing sound. It can be quite scary to kids," she says.

Dianne adds that when it comes to toilet training neurodiverse children, "We need to ensure that they are ready by checking that they are physically ready: how long can they hold, can they open the door to the toilet, can they pull down their undies, and sit comfortably and happily on the toilet are all important prerequisite skills."

Listen to This Glorious Mess. On this episode, Leigh and Tegan chat all about the sh*t time that is toilet training. Post continues below. 

4. So, what are some mistakes us parents can make when tackling toilet training?

Dianne says that for typically developing children, toilet timing (taking children at set times and regularly) is often not a problem. But she warns this can lead to children being dependent on an adult to take them there. "This can create poor habits and can often be the cause of frustration and accidents, not to mention a long training process." 

She also notes that, "Children with a learning difference may not learn to associate the fullness of initiation (a full bladder or bowels) with walking to the toilet or requesting to go." So, it’s important to remain patient and calm when accidents inevitably occur.

5. What if it just isn’t working?

Deirdre recommends parents choose their timing carefully. "Never attempt this new learning when there are new or other big changes happening for the family," she says. 

But overall, parents shouldn’t be discouraged by periods of regression, they are likely to happen, and they don’t mean it’s not going to work. She cites punishment, over-the-top praise, and shaming as big no-nos when it comes to keeping things on track. 

And as Dianne says, "The bathroom should be a fun place", so if it’s all getting too stressful, just take a break and come back to it when everyone is feeling ready.

As parents, we’re bound to make a few (hundred) mistakes along the way, but if we’re acting from a place of love and support, we can’t go too wrong.

Hannah Vanderheide is a writer, actor, and voice artist with a beautiful baby boy. She's also a body-neutral trainer, eating disorder survivor, and wellness industry sceptic who loves to write about the sensible side of health.

Feature Image: Instagram.

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