'My distant, strict parents are now loving, attentive grandparents. It hurts more than I expected.'

There are plenty of jokes around about strict parents turning into the permissive grandparents who spoil their grandchildren. 

You know the ones... 

Me: "Mum, I’m hungry."
My mum: "You know where the fruit is."

My child: "Grandma, I'm hungry."
My mum: "Let me know what you would like me to bake for you!"

As an adult, watching the parents who said no your entire childhood turn into people who don't know the word is equally perplexing and bemusing. Where were these people every time you asked for a sleepover or a second helping of dessert?

It's funny, but it's also frustrating. There is a special pain in watching parents who were busy, distracted and overwhelmed for most of your childhood suddenly have capacity for patience and kindness towards your own child.

Seeing the lengths your parents go to make time for your child's interests, celebrate their wins and put effort into taking them on adventures can highlight what was missing from your own childhood. Where was that endless patience currently being displayed to a toddler wanting to put their own shoes on when I was growing up? Is the grandma with boundless energy for reading story after story the same women who yelled at me for leaving mugs all over the house?

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It can feel like a cruel joke. It can feel pointed and deliberate, almost like they're saying, "we were capable of this all along — we just chose not to be like this with you". 

As one of many children, I have strong memories of being constantly told no or having my wishes simply ignored, in service to the needs of the wider family unit.

Whereas for my child, my parents are happy to make plans revolving entirely around her needs. The parents who never bought entrees or drinks for their kids happily pay for a full meal that their grandchild will barely pick at. 

'How are these the same people?' I wonder as I watch as my child leaves a trail of snack crumbs, toys, socks and drool across my parents' floor. 

I remember the screaming matches over the state of my bedroom as a child. But here is my mother happily cleaning up behind my child with a wipe cloth in hand for sticky fingerprints. 

But the truth is they may not have been capable of this all along. The person they were when parenting you 30 or 40 years ago is a person who no longer exists. And the person who is now your child's grandparent didn't exist without the years of life experiences and learning from mistakes — including the mistakes they made parenting you.

I am lucky in that my parents have freely admitted they weren't perfect parents and made mistakes. But I have plenty of friends whose parents would never admit that any choice they made would be different now, which makes it particularly difficult to watch them spoil their kids. 

Even worse is if there was real abuse or neglect that has left residual trauma. If you've continued a relationship with your parents after those experiences, there will be extra hurdles when it comes to navigating the grandparent/grandchild dynamic. 

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There's also an economic reality that typically young parents just don't have the cash to splash or the time to waste of older adults who are in a very different situation. Many grandparents feel they finally have the time and resources they wish they had when raising their own kids. 

This doesn't mean forgiveness is automatic (especially in cases of neglect or abuse). Many people must think carefully about rules and boundaries when it comes to intergenerational family relationships, especially when there has been a history of grandparents ignoring parents' instructions. 

There's the cute one-off spoiling of ice cream for dinner, but there can be real problems when instinct to lavish love on a child turns into not setting behaviour guidelines or letting a five-year-old stay up all night because he "didn't feel like sleep".

Whatever the status of your relationship with your parents, have children will change the dynamics, in some ways for good and in some ways that are hard and unexpected. 

It isn't easy watching my child receive the exact love and attention I craved for my entire childhood without even asking or having ever experienced anything different. 

It does help me think about my own parenting though. If I get to be a grandparent one day, I hope I can spoil and love my grandkids. But I have a child now that I get to spoil and love. I can parent like a loving, patient grandparent, while still doing the hard work of behaviour management and teaching emotional regulation. I don't have to wait to have grandkids to do fun trips to the zoo or exciting birthday presents, and just occasionally, too much ice cream. 

I hope I can create those memories so my child never knows anything except love from all the adults in their life. 

This author is known to Mamamia but has chosen to remain anonymous for privacy reasons. 

Feature Image: Getty.