Dear Rosie... What would you do?

Welcome to ‘What Would You Do?’, the space on Mamamia where you can contact me with your problems about anything and everything and ask me, well, what I would do. Consider it my selfless Oprah-esque gift to all of humanity. You’re welcome.

But be warned, I’m not one to beat around the bush. I tell it like it is. I call ‘em like I see ‘em. I’m a straight shooter. Cliche cliche etc etc sassy advice cliche.

Let’s get into it:

Dear Rosie,

My daughter is in grade one and has been having issues with another little girl who is a bit of a mean girl and dictating who can and can’t sit near her or play with her group. (She may be five but this girl is like Pride and Prejudice’s Caroline Bingley with plaits). I’m new to the school and the mean girl’s mother (who OF COURSE is a sort of queen bee of the school mums) has asked my daughter over to their house for a play date. I don’t want to encourage a friendship between my daughter and her daughter. But how do you manage this situation? How do I steer my daughter clear without them making her a target of the mean group?

Rosie, what would you do?

Signed,

Mother Not So Superior

Okay. It sounds like we have a future dictator on our hands. And I don’t mean to pile on the pressure or anything but the responsibility of overthrowing an evil maniac drunk with power has kind of just fallen on your little girl’s shoulders.

Look at this way: your daughter just arrived at the school, a mysterious and humble little girl who just wants to stay out of the limelight, and now the leader of the darkside has shown a specific interest in her. An interest that your daughter will reject because she has a pure and good heart.

Does that narrative sound familiar? Ever heard of a little story called HARRY POTTER? Or STAR WARS? Or how about a guy called SPIDERMAN? Or GANDHI?

Your daughter now has no choice but to step up and be the face of light and goodness.

Dictators live in a constant state of panic – they are always freaking out that somebody else is going to steal power away from them. That’s why Queen Bee and Mummy have summoned you to their private compound – they see your little girl as a threat. Make no mistake, there is a strategy room somewhere in that house plastered with pictures of your daughter.

I say accept the invitation. But before you go, teach your girl some key phrases that she can casually drop while in the presence of Queen Bee. Phrases like “Oh, I overthrew a corrupt government once” or “My nickname is ‘Punisher. Punisher of OPRESSION'” or “People have called me a hero of democracy and justice but I dunno – I guess I just do what I think is right. *shrugs shoulders in a humble yet menacing way*”

That should scare the two of them into standing down long enough to restore a rightful balance to the playground.

You’re in this now. A hero cannot deny their destiny.

Dear Rosie,

Recently, I told a friend of mine a really funny story about something random that happened to me on a bus. A few weeks later we were at a party and she told the same story to a big group of people as if it was her own! Right there in front of me! It was practically word for word. I privately confronted her about it afterwards and she just sort of laughed it off and said that she loved the story but had forgotten who told it to her so she just made it about herself.

Here’s the thing though – it was one of those awesome kinds of stories that don’t come around very often and people are still talking about how funny it was.

So what would you do? Will it look petty if I start demanding credit for my story?

You have been the victim of a gross injustice. This cannot stand. Imagine all those people walking around at this very moment thinking about how witty and clever your friend is, when in actual fact, YOU are the one who is witty and clever. YOU!

It is imperative that you contact every person who was at that party individually and explain to them exactly what has taken place. Explain to them that you have been the victim of VERBAL PIRACY. When they laugh in your face (which they will), you need to emphasise the severity of this crime.

Try this trick that the government uses to deal with pirates. When the cool kids with their sunglasses and their baggy jeans say: “So what if she stole your story? Who cares? Everybody does it. It’s not a big deal. Cowabunga man.” You need to reply by playing some cool ‘club’ music that young people can relate to, while asking: “WOULD YOU STEAL A CAR? WOULD YOU STEAL A HANDBAG? Because it’s the same thing. Piracy. It’s a crime.”

That logic will blow your friends’ minds. Trust me, it worked for the government – nobody in Australia pirates anymore. Right?

Dear Rosie,

I’m a 28-year-old woman who has slowly but surely become aware of her less than ideal life circumstances of having no prospects for male companionship. It’s like my life is a ticking clock and the idea of getting married and having children is fading.

Look at it this way: If I start dating someone now (and let’s generously assume the next person I date will be the person I marry), I will have to date that guy for at least a year before we move in together. That puts me at about 30. Then we’ll have to live together for a couple of years before we get engaged. That puts me at 32. Then we’ll need to be engaged for about a year before the wedding. That puts me at 33. Then, I want to be married for at least a couple of years before I have my first kid, That means I won’t have my first baby until about 35. And I want at least three kids.

And all this is ONLY if I start dating someone by, like, yesterday.

I’m freaking out.

What would you do?

Yours,

Stressed.

Wow. I’m also nearly 28 and single. And now I want to go home and snot-cry while I look at pictures of my ex-boyfriends. So thanks for that.

But, for realsies, you need to calm your shit down.

1. Planning your love life with that much detail is like buying that magic set of kitchen knives you saw on TV at 3am – no matter how much hope you have and how much you think you need them in your kitchen, they will never actually cut through a car door like butter.

And 2. You are seriously undervaluing the awesome parts of being single. Like drinking wine in your underpants or not shaving your legs for days weeks months or taking your laptop to the toilet so you can watch TV while you poop. Seriously! Laptop pooping! DON’T YOU KNOW WE ARE IN THE PRIME OF OUR LIVES?!?

Oh god.

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If you want Rosie’s advice on something, email her at rosie@mamamia.com.au and put ‘What would you do” in the subject line. Of course it will all be completely anonymous. And she’ll only judge you behind your back.

For past advice columns by Rosie, click here and here.