‘I couldn't see the danger in my relationship. Until a friend asked me one question.’

January 3, 2016

A frog, if dumped into a pot of hot water, will immediately jump out. But if it’s placed in cold water, it will remain in place as the heat gradually increases to boiling point — and that can ultimately be fatal.

There was a time, a few years ago, when I was at the uncomfortably-warm-water stage. And just like an unsuspecting frog in a pan, I had no idea how close to danger I was.

Grace at age 20.

When I was fresh out of my teen years, I found myself living with a man I’d only known for a few weeks and making excuses for behaviour I would have loudly called out just a year before.

So my boyfriend got drunk and verbally lashed out in front of my friends? He never did hold his booze very well, I justified.

So he had a fully-fledged, door-slamming tantrum because my girlfriends and I didn’t want to switch our TV channel to Top Gun when he came home? Yeah, he’s just temperamental.

So he told me my ‘slutty’ dress must be a bid to attract attention? Oh, he cares so deeply that he can’t help getting jealous.

So my windscreen was mysteriously smashed during one of his bad moods? What weird, bad luck.

Any relationships expert will tell you the severity and frequency of abusive behaviours escalate over time, and that early red flags like name-calling, isolation from loved ones, and controlling tendencies can evolve into full-blown emotional, verbal and physical abuse.

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But for the person inside the unhealthy relationship? Those red flags are inconvenient truths. They bruise the beliefs to which that person holds tight — that their judgment is solid, that their whirlwind romance is ‘the real deal’, that they are loved.

Of course, those beliefs will ultimately be slowly eroded anyway, or shattered at the relationship’s inevitable breaking point: The moment when the penny drops that the relationship was an illusion. But until that critical stage, the person in a relationship will often keep her blinkers on, quietly doubting herself but never quite admitting that the relationship is drowning, not uplifting her.

That constant self-doubt is part of what makes dating a man with abusive tendencies so confusing and difficult.

Grace in her younger years.

But you know what’s almost as awful as that? Seeing a close friend get closer and closer to a partner who’s not only unkind, but possibly dangerous.

It’s notoriously difficult to warn a friend that they’re dating a jerk. You run the risk of being shut out — because the very nature of an abusive relationship means the person trapped inside one is conditioned to distance herself from friends and family.

Lectures don’t always work, either: In my case, pamphlets and long-winded speeches drove me away from the people who lovingly tried to remove my blinkers.

Signs your friend is in a relationship with an abusive guy.

There was one thing that cracked the barrier of denial I’d erected around myself and the relationship, though.

One particular friend managed to maintain my trust and confidence throughout the entire short, intense, live-in relationship with this man — and while she clearly didn’t endorse his behaviour, neither did she so loudly judge me that I edged her right out of my life.

She kept her ears open, and her shoulder available, and when I inevitably came crying to her after another ‘fight’ (him blowing up and withdrawing affection, me panicking, him calling me names) she asked me one clever, gentle question:

‘Are you ever worried he might hit you?’

The question struck me like a bucket of cold water, because I knew instantly that the answer was: Yes, he probably would hit me one of these days.

Grace, at the age she first entered into the unhealthy relationship.

Without judging me, my friend had gently echoed the concern that had been gnawing at me for months: That this man did not make me feel good, or happy, or safe.

Having that seed gently sown was what made me — stubborn, pigheaded me — resolve on my own terms to leave a bad relationship.

Weeks later, I asked the man to move out. And when he did eventually become violent in one final, awful interaction, I was armed with the knowledge and practical steps I needed to cut off contact once and for all.

Grace – now happily married to her very kind husband Ben.

Experts also agree it’s essential not to make a friend in an unhealthy relationship feel blamed and judged.

“Listen to (your friend’s) concerns, believe what they say and express concern,” Heidi Guldbaek from Women’s Legal Services Australia told me in an email exchange. “Save your judgements and don’t victim-blame… Let her know there are options and supports she can access and know what they are.”

It’s also “important to let her friend know that she will support her to make her own decisions,” the Women’s Legal Service NSW echoed in a separate correspondence.

So, if you’re in the painful position of watching a friend or a family member draw further and further into an awful relationship, stay close. Stay open. Stay gentle but honest, and sow the seeds for them to take control of their lives again.

That’s the only thing that worked for me.

Do you have to have a bad relationship before you can have a good one?

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Top Comments

Mintman 5 years ago

Why is this article just about females being abused? This happens to males just as much if not more than females the more the world changes. Males are just too proud/stubborn to talk about it in the fear of appearing weak. I myself a male have been through abusive relationships just as bad and even worse than this. There a lot of messed up period out there make and female. I would have loved to see both a male and female perspective in this article. How males can help each other etc. Even how males can help females and vice versa. I say this as males and females think and act very differently and with all the differing genders (LGBTI etc) there should be info to help people accordingly. Also provide info on how to get help for the abusers if possible. There’s usually reasons why people are the way they are that can be addressed, worked on and fixed. Highly likely it’s usually the abuser taking out there own issues on someone else because they don’t want to face them or admit they have problems. It’s my opinion that there’s not that many truly evil people in the world. I don’t usually post hardly anywhere at all though this is something I’m passionate about and if more guys don’t talk about being abused themselves nothing will change. Thanks for listening.

Lana 8 years ago

That frog analogy just hit me so hard. I'm on the brink of turning 17, but between the ages of 7-13 I was living in an abusive household. I didn't know it at the time, my age played a factor in my naivete, but also because the relationship with my abuser (stepmum) started off extremely healthy and nurturing. Things went downhill slowly at first. I can't remember where i drew the line. It started off with small things, like yelling, name calling, or just ignoring me entirely, then escalated to neglect including refusing to feed me (remember, I was a child), taking me to school herself, doing any of my laundry, being pinned to the bed so I couldn't leave the house, thrown into the bathroom in the mornings, and the worst, was watching my dad experience it too without him knowing he was also a victim. The glasses and cups and plates she used to throw against the walls and at him, the cursing; it's haunting.

A lot of those years have been blocked from my memory and I've been in and out of psychological therapy since for panic disorder, depression and generalised anxiety disorder. It's so important to help those in abusive romantic relationships with men get out, but I believe it's equally as important to focus on the fact that WOMEN can be abusers too. How do we teach children and teenagers that they could be experiencing abuse in their own home, when home is the place we usually associate with safety?

Tom Arrow 8 years ago

The question is whether such teaching would reap any benefit. Abuse can leave one with deep shame and the strong feeling one deserves all of it, so in some cases, the child may very well reject any attempts of help. Even then, one may wonder whether such attempts to help are not disrespectful in themselves. You can only help those who want to be helped. I remember that I was in forced therapy sessions when I was young. I completely rejected it. In fact, I hated it. People telling me something was wrong with me. It only made things worse.