Your official anti-gift guide this Father's Day.

Ah Father’s Day. Your timing never varies and yet we always wind up digging through jean pockets and hitting up mum for a loaner (“but you love him too!”). We’ve been desperate in the past and done some shonky gifting, so to help you along, here are five things you shouldn’t gift this Father’s Day. Really, please don’t.

Your presence.

He played a role in your creation, and boy, isn’t the miracle of life just wonderful? This gift usually involves an invitation to dinner with the family during which you perform the equivalent of a ‘dine and dash’ i.e. you come, you eat, you skip out during present time. Next time, we recommend rocking up to the ‘rents with a nice bottle of red (we like the Penfolds Bin 407 Cabernet Sauvignon 2010). It tends to go down a little smoother.

Love counts as a gift right? Image: Giphy.com

Socks, undies et al.

The argument for this boils down to “well, he has feet doesn’t he?” but the argument against goes a little deeper. While a new pair of knickers is sure to please, something a little more thoughtful and less ‘I grabbed this from the bargain bin’ will show some love to the poor man who had a role in toilet training you.

The gag gift.

While a joke apron is all well and good, we’re yet to find a man who needs three or four – yes even the one with a woman in a bikini. Honourable mentions go to anything themed around bathrooms or flatulence and neckties with anything other than stripes or spots (but not Big Mouth Billy Bass, ‘cause that thing’s practically an institution).

Big Mouth Billy Bass aka a true hero. Image: Wikipedia Commons.

Something he already owns (also known as ‘The Skint Man’s Grift’).

To be fair, this gift, grabbed from his bookshelf or sock drawer, usually involves wrapping – aka a disguise – so we can’t bear too much of a grudge against it. This option is usually taken up by those who did the ‘gift of your presence’ thing last year and, despite having all year to plan and improve, have coasted. Truth time: the likelihood of getting caught tends to outweigh all other motivations, so what are you doing? Head down to Dan Murphy’s and pick up a gift dad deserves.

Manly Man Things.

If it’s used to cook meat, features a super-hero/sports motif or makes a loud noise when you switch it on, it comes under this category. While every man thrills at the thought of scavenging AAA batteries to power up an electronic thing-a-majig that will fly, race and sauté a mean mushroom, it’s nice to mix things up.

We are Manly Men aka Barbecue Lords and Lumberjacks. Image: Fox Studios.

An item you want.

A friend of ours has admitted to buying CDs for her dad, only to steal them for herself days later. While we must applaud her initiative, we can’t help but think a nice sixer of Little Creatures Pale Ale would be a little nicer. CDs are practically exclusive to petrol stations now, so your choices are slim regardless.

At the end of the day a thought-out bottle of the doubled-aged and therefore doubly-good, Dewar's The Vintage 18 Year Old Scotch Whisky can repair all damage done after you begged and begged for that pet you swore you’d take care of and a selection of Pale Ale’s like 4 Pines can go a long way to repent for the half-chewed macaroni necklaces you gifted in your youth. So, let’s not forget to show a little love (outside of a multi-pack of socks and undies) this Father’s Day.

The goal at the end of the day. Image: Giphy.com

What type of gift giver are you?