'My herpes diagnosis was soul-shattering. I'm finally ready to talk about it.'

Content warning: This post includes discussion of suicidal tendencies that may be distressing to some readers. 

H is for...

Happiness. Health. Hahas. Hope. Handshakes. Heatwaves. Helping. Herpes. Wait.. What?!

Life has a way of kicking you just as you start to stand back up. Or at least that's what I thought. A week before my book launch, I received a call back for some results at the doctors. My heart sank. They said no news is good news. So the fact that they called immediately meant the results returned something I knew I wasn't ready to face.

I scheduled a Telehealth appointment as I didn't want to process this information face-to-face. On May 18, 2023 at 9:40am the phone call came. The doctor asked what the appointment was for and I said that following a test; I had been asked to book in to hear the results.

He paused, "Ah yes, I see. It has come back positive for HSV2." I had tested positive for genital herpes. He then started to give me a rundown on all things herpes, symptoms, anti-viral, lifelong... but I had already gone numb. Fighting back tears I thanked him and hung up the phone.

In the space of a five-minute phone call I had lost the woman I was. The life I had without a lifelong diagnosis disappeared instantly. I let the tears come. I felt my heart break. I felt my soul shatter. I felt the shame rush over me. I felt the complete loss of identity once more. This isn't meant to happen to me. Why is this a part of my story? One week before one of the biggest moments of my life and it's now been overshadowed by a virus that will never leave and one that few understand.

Watch: How to know if you have Sexually Transmitted Infections (STIs). Post continues after video.

I like to think of myself as a fairly spiritual person. I've learnt to put my faith and trust in the universe. To know that it is working for me, not to me, helps. But I could not understand this. With everything that's happened over the past four years, I can see that my life had to play out exactly as it should to put me on the path I’m on now. But not this. This can just f**k right off.

This was meant to be a time in my life where I could reflect, see how far I've come and celebrate making it out the other side at the launch of my book. I've taken my darkest moments and redirected it into something that will help others to face theirs. I've learned my lessons. I've grown from discomfort. I was so ready to give this world all I have to offer. So why the hell have I now got herpes? Why is that part of my story?

Now, don't worry. This isn't the part where you hear 'Why me?' over and over. Although I would be lying if I said I didn't think that every day since the doctor's phone call. This, instead, is the part where it gets worse before it gets better but - IT GETS BETTER.

With my book launch coming up, I put this f**ked diagnosis in a box and pushed it to the side. I'll deal with it later. My energy and my focus needs to go towards this book, this launch and the people who are coming in support of it all. On the Wednesday following that awful phone call, the launch came and went and it was hands down the most beautiful moment of my life.

As the endorphins from the launch started to wear off, the lid on that box I had shoved to the side started to crack open. Herpes wasn't something I could continue to ignore, after all, it's with me for life.

By this point, I had already sworn off dating because I was petrified of ever having 'the conversation'. It was difficult enough for me to accept that I test positive for HSV2, so I couldn't imagine asking someone else to accept this part of me too. To save myself the hurt of rejection based on something I have no control over, I was forcing myself to be okay with the idea that I may be alone for a very long time.

In trying to reach a place of acceptance of this diagnosis, I latched on to whatever I could find to help me feel less alone. But in all honesty, there wasn't much. A few podcasts here and there, old posts in outdated forums on Google and some people claiming there's a natural, herbal cure that cleanses it completely out of your system. If I told a friend, the response would often be met with, "It is so common." Well then, why is no one speaking about it? Why don't I know someone else with it? Why, if one in eight Australians have genital herpes, am I still here feeling completely isolated, wondering if this is the straw that will break my back? In short, f**k this.

Over the past four years, I've walked away from some massive chapters to start walking towards ones more aligned with me. This has meant walking away from people, which inevitably, means I sometimes walk this path alone. I'm perfectly capable of being on my own and I often thrive that way. But to be able to share life - the joys and the hardships - is a beautiful thing. And it would be a complete lie to say I didn’t want to find someone to share mine with.

So, as I was sat alone, on the hill, ruminating in my own thoughts, I felt loneliness come knocking on my door. I really just wanted to have a nice chat, with a nice guy, to remind me I am still worthy and deserving of love, no matter what virus is running through my blood. So with a few swift moves of my thumb, I downloaded Hinge.

After being in a five-year relationship ending after a nine-month marriage, I am incredibly careful with my energy. I treat it as currency. I listen strongly to my gut and intuition before spending it on someone. When I am talking to someone, I get a feeling almost straight away that tells me to either yes, explore the connection further or no, it just isn't for me. So I had a few conversations here and there and knew that there was no way I was going to meet any of them. The conversations were quite surface level and my intuition wasn't really all that excited.

This was until I matched with a guy one night and immediately hit it off. I was divorced. He was divorced. We both agreed that this shared experience automatically made us feel more comfortable speaking to each other. We'd decided we would meet in just over a week. While we waited our texts turned into selfies, then into video snippets of our day and then into two hour long phone calls. We bonded without ever meeting but never once did my gut or intuition feel off. It felt just right.

When we finally met, it was so easy. I'm not sure I've ever really connected with someone in the way I did with him, and we had talked about seeing each other further, with the hope that it could be something more. It was so nice to finally be on the same page as someone else. It was so refreshing to be able to clearly express where we are at in our lives, without needing to hide what we were really thinking. That night I stayed at his, but I did not sleep with him.

This whole time I had been holding on to my herpes diagnosis, knowing it would be something I would need to tell him, but I had to make sure I felt safe and comfortable. There was some time pressure too, as I was about to leave for Thailand in a few days so we wanted to make the most of the time I had left. We'd organised for me to spend the next two nights at his and at this point I knew I had to have 'the conversation' before then.

After thinking about our connection, I truly believed he would be understanding and supportive. So I hyped myself up and called him. I shared with him that I've never had to have this conversation before but because I respect and care for him; I need to let him know I test positive for herpes. Understandably, he said he needed to look into it and think about it.

The days that followed broke me. Not because someone didn't want to be with me - that I can deal with. But because someone was treating me differently because of something out of my control. We went from being so connected to strangers, where I was ignored and not afforded a basic level of respect. To know that someone was now looking at me differently because of herpes, killed me. Every bit of me didn't want to be in a world where this was my reality.

Listen to The Undone where hosts Emily and Lucy speak to Dr Ginni Mansberg about how to make sure you're practicing safe sex. Post continues below.

I was exhausted, mentally exhausted. I was so tired of being strong. I was so tired of standing back up every time I got kicked down. Are they trying to kill me? Whoever is writing the script for my life, are they trying to get rid of me? Thoughts of suicide came flooding back in. I don't know how many times I could keep going like this. I would scream at the mirror for what seemed like hours. I would hold a glass so firmly in my hand ready to smash everything I could find, because the sadness came accompanied by anger. I would stay in bed, curtains drawn, sobbing under the covers with no rest. I broke. Herpes broke me. It tore me apart. It ripped me open. It held me down.

I couldn't figure it out. Why did I need to face this challenge? Why did I need to contract herpes? Why did I need to meet an incredible person only to have him turn around and treat me like I'm no longer worth the same kindness he showed just days earlier? Why couldn't I just enjoy my book launch? Why couldn't I just enjoy turning 30? Why couldn't I just look forward to my trip to Thailand? It seemed like something painful always hindered every good thing. Even as I write this, I am still just as mentally exhausted, numb and tired. But I have answers now...

At my book launch I said that I am in a very fortunate position where I am able to use my voice to help others and I will continue to do so if it means it could help just one person. I forgot I said this, but as I was going over and over this diagnosis in my head, I received an email from a lady who was at the book launch - she said my talk and my book has really helped her husband and her to better support their son. The email reminded me of my strength and the power of my voice. My voice had continued to impact the lives of others, even weeks later.

Then it clicked. I realised why it had to be me. I had to contract herpes because the world needs my voice, the same voice I used at the book launch, the same voice that has helped two parents support their son through his depression. I need to use my voice to break apart the stigma that herpes has. I need to use my voice to help show others they aren't alone. I need to use my voice to help educate the misinformed, to teach them it really isn't anything more than a skin condition. I need to use my voice to show everyone that herpes does not define you and it is not a big deal. It is, simply, just a part of life.

It is, however, a part of life that is killing people. The most commonly googled word before someone searches 'suicide' is 'depression'. But another word, right at the top, typed in before suicide is 'herpes'.”

To be honest, I only came across that fact when I was typing those exact words into Google myself.. so who else is out there typing in the same? If I am so passionate about mental health and suicide prevention, then there is no way I can sit on the sidelines and keep quiet about this. There is no way I can keep quiet while others might be entering those same words into google and then taking action because they can’t see the way out. I don't ever want anybody to feel how I felt these past few weeks. From diagnosis to rejection, I don't want someone to feel like they have to face this alone. So even though herpes broke me, it also built me back up. It showed me I needed to turn this pain into purpose. It showed me I am needed. I need to live. I need to live to help others live and that is my true calling.

If I have the ability to use my voice to save just one person, then it is a no brainer – I will publicly share that I tested positive to HSV2. I'll share that it can happen to anybody. It is a risk you take each and every time you're intimate with someone. I’ll share that you can do all the right things and still contract herpes. I’ll share that they don’t include it in standard STI checks, not because of the physical affect it has, but because of the mental impact it has. I’ll share that because it’s not included in these checks, it is so common. You could get it from your first or fourth partner. It doesn’t matter. It can happen to anybody who is sexually active. I'll share that even if you think you've been tested, you probably haven't been tested for herpes. I'll share that you can have it and show absolutely no symptoms. I'll share that it is from the same family as chicken pox, another virus that stays in your system forever, yet isn't given the same stigma. I'll share that it isn't something that affects me physically, but it does affect the conversations I have, the thoughts I have and the way I feel. I'll share whatever I have to, to help break this stigma down and to help someone else stay alive after their diagnosis.

If I sit silent, I contribute to the shame I felt. If I sit silent, I add to the stigma by not speaking about it. If I sit silent, I listen to that voice in my head that says I'm not worthy. But, if I own my diagnosis, I remove the power it has over me. If I speak openly and honestly about it, it shows others that it really shouldn't be a big deal at all. It's an over-hyped blister, if that. So I will speak my truth, even if it means people will view me differently. I'm not doing it for them. I'm doing it for the one in eight Australians with genital herpes who are typing herpes, followed by suicide into Google. I'm doing it for me.

I feel the same fire inside me thinking about this as I did when I first started writing my book. Enough is enough. We don't need to lose any more lives. We don't need to determine someone's worth based on their diagnosis. We need to look past all of their layers, HSV or no HSV, and find their heart. That is all that should ever matter.

I am not herpes but it is a part of me. I am thankful that I can now see why this is a part of my story. I did say at my book launch that I'm only just getting started and I guess I was right. It really is time to save lives, in ways I never would have imagined. It may have taken coming face to face with suicidal ideation again to get to this point, but I accept this challenge. And most of all, I accept myself, herpes and all.

If you think you may be experiencing depression or another mental health problem, please contact your general practitioner. If you're based in Australia, 24-hour support is available through Lifeline on 13 11 14 or beyondblue on 1300 22 4636.

Annaleise is a passionate author, veteran and mental health advocate. You can connect with Annaleise and join her community here. Her book, Keep Swimming, exists to help you face the waves of mental health and is available for purchase here.

Feature Image: Supplied.