If we say scissoring to you, what comes to mind?
For many, the only understanding of this sexual act between two women comes from seeing it acted out rather vigorously in porn. And it won't surprise you to know that porn is not always the best representation of what actually happens in real life.
As part of Mamamia's subscriber series of how-to's, we explore a sexual act in a lot of detail and give you all the juicy insights. This week, it's time to talk about scissoring.
Our sexual guides are Sophie Cachia, the host of Mamamia's podcast HER, and sex columnist Nadia Bokody. They help us bust all the myths about scissoring and discuss whether what we see on screen in porn reflects what really goes on in the bedroom.
Sophie describes how one of her first ever porn experiences was watching two women scissoring each other.
"They were what I would describe as just 'pounding pussies', and they were squirting everywhere and it was messy and it was just like screaming their heads off," Sophie says on this week's subscriber only episode of HER.
"And I actually thought that can't feel good. How are they not breaking their pelvises? Just 'bash bash, bash, bash', but there was all this pleasure apparently happening and all these juices were flying everywhere, and that actually scared me!"
Sophie Cachia was a married mum-of-two when her life changed unexpectedly after meeting… HER. And she isn’t alone. Join Sophie over six episodes, as she speaks to women from different walks of life, whose lives changed when they discovered they were attracted to women.
Nadia agrees that lesbian sex in porn is often presented in an intense and unrealistic way.
"Lesbian sex in porn is terrifying! Most of us look to porn to learn regardless of our gender or how we identify sexually and the problem is that porn is a fantasy.
"When you are watching a Sandra Bullock rom-com, you're not using that as a standard for how you're going to conduct a healthy relationship. But many of us look at porn like it's the framework for what sex is going to look like. And it's not, [porn] is about what visually looks most spectacular."
From her visits to porn film sets for work, Nadia says that the sex she saw being filmed, is definitely not about the woman's pleasure.
"It's stopping. It's starting. It's doing [sex] from all of these angles that are all about the camera and most people aren't having that much pleasure during the filming. So I would say, don't look to porn, regardless of who you're wanting to have sex with, or what the gender of the person is."
The on-screen presentation of scissoring in porn and trolling by "gross men" is one of the main reasons Sophie says she has only just started experimenting.
"It's certainly not something I jumped straight into and I don't think it's as common as what people would assume is in lesbian sex. You know, the amount of times I've had trolls or gross men putting scissor emojis on my Instagram, because apparently that's all we do to each other."
But trolls aside, is scissoring something that women actually do with each other?
Sophie says yes it is, but there are logistical factors to consider
"It's all about your height and if your body actually can meet that other person.
"I've had partners who are different sizes to me, body shapes, different heights, and so getting that angle hasn't always been possible. And then I've had partners where that angle just perfectly meets."
What does scissoring feel like?
So, do women derive any pleasure from scissoring with a partner? Sophie says she does, but maybe not how you would assume.
"You would think it's from grinding your clits on each other but for me, it's more because [scissoring] is a bit dirty. It's a bit hot. You're rubbing juices on each other. You're probably touching each other's parts that you probably shouldn't have touched with the other one, and I think that the idea of it is what turns me on.
"The idea of it for me is often better than the reality."
Nadia says that porn-style scissoring, which she explains as like "making two peace signs with your hands and then banging those peace signs together", is the better known cousin of 'tribbing'.
"Tribbing is basically straddling any part of your partner's body and rubbing or grinding your vulva, mainly your clit, against them. You only do this when you're really wet or if you're not, you need to use some lube otherwise you're going to have a carpet burn situation!
"[Tribbing] can feel really good. But the whole banging our vulvas together thing? I am not sure how many women are actually doing that."
While making sure not to kink shame anyone, Nadia says that tribbing or simply 'grinding' on each other is what most women are ACTUALLY doing in the bedroom. But cissoring as per the porn sites? Not so much.
"I think so many of our ideas around what sex looks like between two women go back to this heteronormative model we've been taught about sex which is just two bodies thrusting together. So two women must just be banging our vaginas against each other, right? Umm no. But a little of grinding? Hell yeah! That feels great. I would do that almost every time I have sex."
Sophie agrees with Nadia that the notion of harder is better, is definitely not true. Instead, softer grinding wins hands down every time.
"Do not be afraid to grind your vulva or your clit on any part of your sexual partner's body for pleasure. Because I can guarantee you that feels amazing the wetter you are. I can't believe I'm going to say this but I've actually had an orgasm in the past from grinding on somebody's knee!"
In the episode of HER with author and former Miss Universe Australia, Maria Thattil, the women spoke about grinding and just how hot it can get.
"There are lots of different variations," Sophie says.
"I've grinded parts of my vulva, my whole pussy in fact, on lots of different parts of someone's body. You can be laying on your back and your sexual partner is on top of you and you've pretty much got your legs open and they've got their thigh in between your legs.
"And girls have this incredible ability to rub their thigh between your legs. You are sort of replicating the movement of penetrative sex. But it's slow, it's gentle, and at the same time, you're grinding down on that leg so you are in full control of the stimulation you're getting, and it is just so hot!"
Nadia agrees and says it feels good in all sorts of positions, even when fully clothed.
"It's like often you'll be just making out with a partner. You can do it laying down or standing up and you just feel like they're like slipping between your legs. And just that grinding of the thigh, essentially on your pussy, feels amazing because your clitoris is getting stimulated. Anything where your clit is stimulated is going to feel good. And I think the other part of it that's hot is that the person who's giving the stimulation is taking control. It's the power play."
Sophie says that most of her sexual encounters with women start with some slow and soft grinding.
"I can be lying down, or up against a wall, in a toilet cubicle or it can be in the shower. Yeah, I think with most sexual partners I've had, that is how sex would start."
What about double penetration?
Another side to scissoring that the women talk about is when using a double-ended dildo, which Nadia says is "immensely pleasurable".
"It is probably top tier for me because you are feeling pleasure at the same time as your partner is feeling pleasure, and it is really quite an incredible experience."
Sophie says that again with the double-ended dildo, the key is not worrying about the hard and fast thrusting we might see depicted in porn.
"It's more that you insert [the dildo] into both of you and you're able to move your hips and your pelvis how you want, but at the same time, you are allowing penetration for yourself while pushing it into your partner.
"So you can essentially f**k your partner while f**king yourself at the same time."
When it comes to myth-busting scissoring, both Nadia and Sophie believe we really need to move away from the hard and fast thrusting rhetoric so often repeated in porn.
Before someone gets a sore vulva.
"Let's just remove the pounding pussies from scissoring. And let's picture more of a soft, sexy grind on each other."
Listen to this subscriber episode of HER here.
Feature Image: Canva/Instagram @sophiecachia.
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