'We're seeing the rise of 'Performative Parenting'. I'm totally guilty of it.'

My times of peak loneliness coincided with my moments of peak performative parenting. I posted more on social media, I barely stayed home. I have never posted more on Instagram than in the aftermath of moving interstate. I had two kids under four, was pregnant with the third and a 12 hour drive from our whole family. I felt embarrassed to be so desperate for connection and validation - so needy - but now I see it as a natural response to the isolation that often comes with parenting and invisible labour.

In a parenting role we are starved of much of the external validation we once received in our careers and former lives. As social creatures we crave reassurance from those around us that everything is okay and we’re still in the tribe. Generally the more content I feel within myself, the better I parent and the less I care about what everyone else is thinking about me as a parent. I feel that seeking external validation is normal, to a point, but the danger with performative parenting is when we start to parent purely to generate a positive public perception of ourselves rather than in the interests of our child. When we let the expectations of others guide our parenting choices we are bound to feel like we are falling short.

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Performative parenting is often a slur thrown around in relation to high-profile parents - think Hamish Blake and his elaborate birthday cake making, or the Kardashians and their lavish kids' parties - but the rise of social media now means anyone can project themselves into the public domain in search of validation.

We do it to get a response, to be seen by others. We see the rise of things like ‘parenting awards’, the professionalisation of parenting, because our public contributions seem to be the only thing society really values. Intangible contributions like love and care are extremely difficult to put a value on and things we can’t measure often become invisible.

As a parent, I had to wean myself off the levels of external validation I had previously received by going to a public workplace every day, incidentally talking and socialising, and talking on the radio. It was a rude shock, but I had to learn how to live with fewer ‘pats on the back’. I think I had to grow up. But I will still always need community and a healthy amount of validation, which is harder to come by in increasingly fractured communities. Any unpaid labour and informal work is going to be a lonely space as our lives increasingly centre around paid work out of financial necessity.

I have also noticed that performative parenting isn’t always a bad thing because at its core it means we are trying to be the best possible parent we can be. I often find that parenting in social settings can diffuse situations that in the privacy of my own home may have escalated to my very angry, shouty voice. Parenting around others makes me a better parent and having other people around also means my kids are less intense with me.

My performative parenting phase also died down as I began to recognise the intrinsic value in my role as a parent. Caring for others constantly is hard, but it’s made even harder if deep down we place little value in the work we do. Once I properly recognised the value in my contribution, I felt less needy for approval and a greater sense of satisfaction.

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Parenting is such a long game, the gratification is not instant and the rewards are steady and incremental. As the kids grew up I experienced milestones and began to feel an enormous sense of personal achievement that I could not have foreseen in the newborn days. Finding myself as a parent and feeling comfortable in my role lessened the need for the approval of others.

Scrolling back through my grid is extremely cringe and a clear cry for attention but I also have a lot of compassion for me struggling to make sense of me as a mum. I see performative parenting in public and in the media now and just wish parents had more support and reassurance that would reduce their need to ‘perform’. When Dad’s parenting in public receive praise or positive comments I don’t resent them, I just wish that all parents were this visible and supported. Sure, we shouldn’t expect praise for every little thing but encouragement and support can be life changing for a parent who is struggling.

It’s not just parents who are performative either. We live in a society that places huge emphasis on the aesthetics of things and how people look. Performative parenting will only get worse with the rise of consumerism, increasing disconnectedness and as we become increasingly reliant on external sources of validation to feel good. Unless we continually interrogate what we truly value and what gives our lives meaning, validation seeking behaviours will continue to influence parenting styles. The thing about performative parenting is that ultimately only parents have the power to raise children with a strong sense of self who rely less on the approval of others.

Feature Image: @bush_bambinis