Do you sometimes sit there wondering whether our own parents were as stressed and overwhelmed as we are?
No, you don’t, because you don’t have time.
But if you did, you might think that the stressed-out, anxiety-inducing whirl of your life and the lives of all your parent mates feel new. And really, really exhausting.
Jane Martino, for one, is over it.
Jane is the founder of Smiling Mind, a meditation app that makes ohmm-ing accessible to the masses, on their smart phones. But she’s no laid-back hippie. Jane started her first company at the age of 26. Then she had three sons, now 11, nine and eight. And since then, she’s been building businesses, writing books and advising other companies on how to be awesome. And, as the founder of A Shout For Good, how to give back.
Yeah, she’s pretty kick-arse.
So it was no surprise that when Jane came on the I Don’t Know How She Does It podcast, she gave us a few excellent pieces of take-home wisdom.
Like:
1. Don’t do it all. Get the kids to do some of it.
Get your kids to help you. It’s very, very good for them. It’s called Mastery.
Listen to Jane explaining what Mastery is here:
Apparently, although 82 per cent of us had to do chores growing up, only around 28 per cent of us are insisting that our own children do the same.
But Jane and her husband Matt get the boys to make their own school lunches, and it’s all in the name of something called Mastery.
“There are five of us in the family and we all take a day to make the lunches and do it the night before,” says Jane. “With three under three the boys became quite independent quite early.”
But the Mastery movement encourages the teaching of your children to ‘master’ little things as they grow up so they become more independent.
“It’s so important to build our confidence and self-esteem, even if they’re really small things… even buttering bread.
“It was a need that eventuated from a fairly chaotic initial period as parents,” says Jane. “I was building my PR agency and was back at work within weeks of having each child… it was extremely busy whether I was there or not. The more I read up about Mastery and how important it is to encourage independence, the less guilty I felt about dishing out the jobs.
2. Let your kids choose ONE extra-curricular activity.
“The number one thing is that everyone is over-scheduled,” says Jane about stressed-out parents. “It’s important to understand what works for your family. I always say to the boys: It’s one thing plus school. You choose what you want to do.
“We don’t want to be rushing around and taking them here and there. There’s so much time in life for that. When they’re young they just need to time to chill out and be kids. So I think overscheduling is a big factor. When you’re in and out of cars, packing bags… it’s a lot on top of an already busy school day.
“We try to make sure there’s time for down time, as well as the more active times. Hang time is important.”
Hear that? Hang time. It’s what we all need more of.
3. Don’t expect too much from yourself.
Before you write Jane off as a perfect, meditating mum, impossible to emulate, consider this. She says that yes, we could all get more done if we embraced meditation, but that you don’t have to find time to do it every day.
“I always said I was too busy for meditation… which is ironic. I immediately loved it, and I immediately noticed a difference.
Jane with her three boys. Image via @smilingmind
"I fit in meditation where I can. The guided meditation starts at five minutes. Sometimes I sit in my car and do one... I don't do it every day. It's just like exercise or eating well, or trying to have an alcohol-free day... you go through times when you're really good at it."
4. Share the load.
And last, but not least, if you are able to divide and conquer, definitely, definitely do it.
"I do some of the morning drop-off, but I don't do any of the afternoon ones. My husband or one of the grandparents does that. I usually wrap my day around 5.30-6pm do dinner and then if I need to I'll jump back on afterwards and finish up work.
"We are not going progress women in the workforce until men are given a go at being at home more. "
Amen, Jane.
Listen to the full interview with Jane, including how she coped with going back to work just weeks after each of her children's births, here:
Like the sound of Smiling Mind? Find out more about it here. And while you're there, check out Jane's new book on Mindfulness here.
Would you get your kids to make their own school lunches?
Top Comments
Only 1 activity is the best rule.
We are creating a generation of anxious stressed out people who dont know how to relax. Some kids schedules are exhausting. I know kids who have 2 activities, back to back, after school each day. And preschoolers whose weekdays make corporate workers look like slackers. Poor kids!
I definitely like parts of this, but I throw my hands in despair when I see point #4 (share the load). I am torn between saying 'well gee how nice for you that you have grandparents to share your load', and 'poor grandparents'! To read the article you would think she does it all by herself and does it all well, and all of the advice given is possible to follow, and is something we should all aspire to. Nuh uh.
I hoped that I would read that sharing the load meant between her and her partner, but no the ubiquitous grandparent is there once again. How nice for them that now that they have raised their own children they are made to then raise someone else's (just because they are their grandchildren does not make it 100% ok).
I know it is politically incorrect to say this, and I'm sure I'll get blasted for it, but I don't cheer when I hear that someone went back to work within weeks of giving birth to their three children. I don't cheer when I hear that the grandparents pick up the slack (although you don't often hear it put like that - usually it is barely mentioned, as in this article where we are to cheer that she does the occasional drop off, and none of the pickups and that the grandparents do those pesky bits). I don't see that as something I want to emulate because I don't think it is fair on the kids.
The article is also not realistic because even if you do happen to have grandparents that are 100% willing to put their lives to the side to help you raise your kids there are plenty of people who don't have that. 'Share the load' is a whole other ballgame then.
This article doesn't make me look at the Mum and think that everyone is getting the best of all worlds. The Mum is doing well, and probably the Dad, but the kids and the grandparents get short shrift, no matter how many times you say that it takes a village to raise a child.
As I said, there are some good points in the article that are commendable. It is just that #4 really gets my goat....!
Agree. My in laws and my parents are quite young. In their early 60s there's no way they'd be around! In laws have bought a house in the country and definitely won't be on hand to assist!