PAULA JOYE: 'What JLo needs to do next in her pop princess redemption arc (my favourite kind).'

There’s been a Chinese whisper circling the globe that has turned into a Mexican wave.

Everyone be like: What is happening with JLo?

What. Is. Actually. Happening.

The golden, gilded, glittery cloud of JLo-ness has become a merciless meme, a TikTok takedown and a Hollywood joke.

Watch: The official trailer for JLo's documentary on Prime Video, This Is Me... Now. Post continues after video.

This year, she achieved the unthinkable and became deeply unlikeable.

How can someone so strategic and disciplined at fame allow this to happen?

To not notice that the car was headed off the cliff? To not correct at the corner??

When she decided to let the world in on her "if you know, then you know" bodega sandwich order, she officially entered her JFlop Era.

And you can graph the decline like a stripper slide down her Hustler pole.

JLo's album covers. Image: paulajoye.substack.com.

First came an announcement of a new album — This is Me Now.

As opposed to her 2002 release — This is Me Then.

It heralded a 'new sound' that was actually the old sound and yet another musical ode to her romance/heartbreak/romance/heartbreak/ with Ben Affleck.

Now married, she was compelled to write more songs about Ben and love and marriage and Ben and love.

Literally, no one wanted this music from her. Not even Ben.

Image: paulajoye.substack.com.

Next, she decided to make a movie about said album: This is Me Now…A Love Story.

A musical, choreographed AI brain fart.

Funded by herself.

She spent 20 million of her own dollars to produce the biggest piece of wtf in the history of the biggest pieces of wtf.

Since Gigli.

A movie people had forgotten and forgiven. Gigli had actually turned into a cute, nostalgic Bennifer talisman.

And then she serves up what can only be described as one part Flashdance fever dream and nine parts narcissistic inanity.

With some good choreography.

The best thing about this movie is that it’s one hour long.

In press for the movie, she mused: "I felt so strongly that I had to get this piece of art into the world."

That was because, literally, no one else wanted to bring it into the world.

On reflection, Jenny — this was a red flag.

Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck. Image: paulajoye.substack.com.

Finally, to pour glitter into your already watering eyes, she released a documentary about the making of the movie.

And this is when the rope broke on the elevator.

I’ve realised that Jennifer Lopez is the person in a book club who hasn’t read the book but won’t stop talking about it.

The book she talked about the most in her documentary was the private book Ben had made her as a wedding gift, The Greatest Love Story Never Told.

Full of ephemera of their love, he had privately, painstakingly collected and collaged into existence.

She throws it to a team of songwriters. On camera. And says: "Here, write this."

So, I was not surprised this morning when I opened my On The JLo newsletter (I’m an apologist) to read:

JLo's summer tour is cancelled. Image: paulajoye.substack.com.

And that’s where we are now. Not then. But now.

Dud album. No tour. No residency. And divorce rumours.

So, how do we get her back?

Because I prefer the world with her in it.

1. Get Quentin on the phone.

JLo and Quentin Tarantino. Image: paulajoye.substack.com.

JLo needs QT. Imagine if Quentin Tarantino had only called Lindsay Lohan?! Only he has the celluloid power to make Jen iconic by making her ironic.

2. Make like Taylor and vanish.

Literally, put yourself in a suitcase and have security wheel you to the jet. Then, disappear like a magic trick for at least 12 months.

You have the means (and wardrobe) for this manoeuvre. It’s time to make people miss you.

3. Conjure the ghost of fosse past.

JLo in an epic dance scene from This Is Me... Now. Image: paulajoye.substack.com.

We can get you a Tony. This is actually YOUR award.

A ‘Singing In the Rain’ revival. Maybe Baz can direct it. Dance in a puddle, sing under a streetlight and lean into the credibility that Broadway brings.

4. Eat a bucket of chicken on 'hot ones'.

We need to see some self-deprecation, a subtle roasting, and you doing something you don’t want to do just for you. An episode of Hot Ones will tick all those boxes.

5. Work on your marriage.

Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez. Image: paulajoye.substack.com.

As the Burton/Taylor of our lifetime, there are more in your corner than not.

I have no intention of giving up my bottle of Bennifer Kool-Aid.

We want you guys to win.

I believe you are the one to make Ben Affleck look less miserable.

This may mean putting your marriage before your career. A notion you’re not familiar with but one that may give you something else (and new) to sing about.

Listen: The Spill talks about Bennifer's divorce rumours. Post continues after audio.

Side Bar: I think JLo is also annoyed about Ozempic. In the same way, Victoria Beckham might be.

Jennifer has quite literally worked her butt off. For four decades. And now she’s not the exception she’s the norm.

That’s deeply irritating for someone like JLo. I can totally see her waking up at night and thinking about this. I also know that she’ll never use it because she likes suffering too much.

It’s a JLo trait I really understand.

This article is originally published in Paula Joye's Substack. You can subscribe here. You can also follow Paula Joye on Instagram here.

Feature Image: Getty/Mamamia.