'I HAVE NEVER FELT MORE BETRAYED.' Mamamia recaps The White Lotus finale.

CONTENT WARNING: This post continues ALL THE SPOILERS for The White Lotus finale. 

We open on some murder-y dawn waves. 

Ethan is lying in bed contemplating that time Harper had sex with Cameron even though they haven't been alone together for more than 30 seconds. 

Daphne is Facetiming with the kid who is definitely fathered by her blonde-haired, blue-eyed trainer. 

The kid asks for 'daddy', and sweetie, he's not in Sicily, he's at the local gym. 

ii"LITERALLY STUCK HERE IN SICILY WITH THIS DICKHEAD."

Albie tells Lucia he's going to "help her". They talk about her going to Los Angeles with him and she seems to have a genuine moment of guilt about the fact that she's conning this silly little boy out of his money. 

Dominic is looking at photos of his wife and daughter on his phone and regretting all the times he slept with sex workers - both Italian and American. If only he could have learnt to keep his d*ck in his pants. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

Over at the villa, Tanya wakes up with a start, probably remembering that time she saw photographic evidence of an impending MURDER-Y BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN SITUATION and then slept with the Italian with the questionable accent anyway. 

She finds the fun/sinister gays whispering at the breakfast table. 

Tanya remembers that Portia exists and asks the fun/sinister gays whether they've seen her. 

Portia wakes up next to the hot nephew and realises that she can't find her phone. The hot nephew suggests that she might have left it at the bar and she says she definitely had it in the room because she was trying to find him on Instagram and... couldn't. 

Cameron, Daphne, Ethan and Harper are having breakfast. The tension is... palpable. 

Albie asks Dominic for 50k to help his Sicilian sex worker friend pay her pimp and in a surprising turn of events, Dominic says no. In fact, he says "lots of people need help in the world, I'm not an NGO" and look, he ain't lyin'. 

Albie tells him that he should think of it as a karmic payment for all those times he cheated on his mother. 

via GIPHY

Dominic asks Albie how he's going to make it in life if he's this big of a mark, and Albie says if he gives him the 50k he'll help he smooth things over with his wife. 

Grandpa joins the table and is like "which b*tches are we talkin' about this morning" and sssshhh grandpa, they're very busy buying and selling women. 

Meanwhile, back at the villa, Tanya is remembering the photo she saw last night through a cocaine-filled haze. 

Sometimes we forget our husband is part of a travelling murderous Brokeback Mountain gang of gays and that's ok.

Quentin comes up behind her and she asks him about that time he fell in love with her husband. 

He tells her the cowboy is a man named Steve and Tanya says it's uncanny how he looks exactly like her husband Greg but with... hair. 

"OH WELL" 

We see some murder-y waves again as Ethan and Harper return to their room. Ethan accuses Harper of f*cking Cameron to get back at him and she's like "hmmmm?.... what sir? I've never heard of a more preposterous accusation." 

via GIPHY

Ethan says he knows she had sex with Cameron because she called him an idiot at breakfast. Which makes sense I guess???  

They fight for a few minutes, and then Harper caves. She explains that Cameron suggested they go up to the room and then he latched the door and kissed her. When Ethan knocked on the door, Cameron went through the connecting door to his own room. 

Ethan says, so you didn't come up for your hat and no sweetie, she came up to have sexual relations with your douchebag friend. 

DID YOU SLIP, SLOP ,SLAP? 

Ethan doesn't believe all they did was kiss, so he yells the word d*ck a lot then he goes next door and bangs on the door. 

Daphne says Cameron is at the beach, so he does a murder storm all the way down there and into the water where Cameron is swimming laps. 

Cameron is like "oh hey buddy did you find out about that time I tried to have sex with your wife and also do you want to go snorkelling later Y/N?" 

They wrestle in the water until some innocent bystanders who are just trying to enjoy a murder-free holiday in Sicily break them apart. 

"IT'S A REAL LIFE FIGHT!" 

Ethan storms back to the shore while Cameron has a float and a laugh about the time he tried to sleep with his best friend's wife and ruined everyone's very expensive Sicilian holiday. 

Meanwhile, Portia is still trying to find her phone and the hot nephew is acting like he's never heard of a phone before. 

She says she needs to call Tanya and the hot nephew says well she won't be able to talk to you now anyway because she's on the boat/getting murdered. 

The hot nephew says he needs to "take a sh*t" so Portia grabs his phone and calls Tanya on the boat. 

Tanya tells her about that time she walked in on the hot nephew having sex with his uncle and Portia's like "it would have been good to have this information earlier/before we split up". 

Portia tells Tanya what the hot nephew said about Quentin not having any money and Tanya remembers the Brokeback Mountain photo. 

She starts yelling "THE PRENUP, THE PRENUP, THE PRENUP" and yassss queen, put the pieces of that puzzle together. 

She explains to Portia that if they divorce, Greg gets nothing but if she dies... 

The hot nephew comes up behind Portia and grabs the phone. Tanya turns around to look at the fun/sinister gays on the boat, who are now looking decidedly more sinister than fun. 

Meanwhile, back at the beach, Ethan is still feeling murder-y. 

He runs into Daphne who asks him what's wrong. He tells her that he thinks her husband might have cheated with his wife and she's like "meh". 

She says she "surprises herself all the time" and that you have to "do what you have to do not to feel like a victim". And then she points out a cliff she'd like to visit. 

OH 

SHE'S 

GONNA 

MURDER 

CAMERON 

They walk towards the cliff and Daphne looks back at him all the time like 'come on we're going to have sex/do a murder it's unclear at this point'. 

Do they have sex? Probably. Does anyone get murdered? Apparently not. 

Meanwhile, on the boat, the fun/sinister gays drop the anchor a few miles offshore. Quentin explains to Tanya they're going to have one last dinner on the boat and then the Italian with the dubious accent is going to escort her to the shore in a dingy. 

Portia straight up asks the hot nephew whether he f*cks his uncle and he's like... a lil' bit.

"AND SOMETIMES... SUNDAYS." 

She tells him she wants to get a cab, and he tells her just to let him do his "job". 

On the boat, Tanya is trying to figure out how not to die. She decides running awkwardly across the deck and then accidentally throwing her phone into the ocean is the right course of action. 

WHAT

ARE YOU

DOING? 

It's... not. 

Then she runs up to the deck and asks the captain whether he knows "these gays". She tries to explain to him that her husband knows the fun/sinister gays and that the Italian with the questionable accent is in the mafia and is going to kill her so they can all decorate their nice houses together.

He's like "I'm gay too" which seems irrelevant at this point but good for you, sir. 

The hot Italian who may or may not be in the mafia arrives in the dingy with a suspicious-looking black murder bag. 

Back at the hotel, Cameron and Daphne arrive at dinner and Cameron slips Lucia an envelope of money. 

Ethan and Harper are already seated at the restaurant, looking like they'd very much like to die, and Cameron and Daphne decide to join them. 

The DeGrassos arrive at dinner and Dominic tells Albie that he transferred the 50k. 

Bert joins them and says their Achilles heel is an Achilles c*ck and look he might just be one of the great philosophers of our time. 

For some godforsaken reason, Cameron decides to raise a toast to the woman he kissed, the wife he cheated on, the best friend whose wife he cheated with. 

"CHEERS TO BEING TRULY TERRIBLE PEOPLE" 

They all raise their glasses, and honestly these people deserve each other. 

Albie tells Lucia that Dominic transferred the money and she's never met an easier mark. 

Meanwhile, on the boat, Tanya, the fun/sinister gays and the mafia man are having the world's most awkward dinner. It almost like it's hard to enjoy a nice lil' bowl of tagliatelle when you know you're about to get murdered/murder someone. 

Back the hotel, Ethan decides that he's finally horny for his wife. In the thrust of passion (lol), they break the special infidelity vase. 

I think this means that Ethan did sleep with Daphne and now they're even? 

The hot nephew pulls the Range Rover over and tells Portia she should head straight to the airport and not look back. He leaves her on the side of the road and drives off. 

On the boat, Tanya grabs the black murder bag and locks herself in one of the bedrooms. 

She grabs the gun and starts shooting at the fun/sinister gays. 

As Quentin lays bleeding out on the floor, she asks him whether Greg is having an affair. 

He's looks at her like... you're missing the point, sweetie. It feels like we have bigger issues right now; ya know? 

Then one of the other fun/sinister gays jumps up from behind the couch and runs and jumps into the ocean. 

Tanya decides she needs to get into the dingy so she lifts herself over the side of the boat. 

'YOU'VE GOT THIS', she tells herself, before slipping off the side of the boat, hitting her head on the dingy and going into the water. 

TO SAY I GASPED IS AN UNDERSTATEMENT. 

She did not, in fact, got this. 

We're then treated to some Jennifer Coolidge underwater footage as opera music plays in the background. We collectively pray that this is a diversion tactic and Tanya will rise from her watery grave and take out Cameron. 

The next morning, Lucia is leaving Albie's room after making a sweet 50k. He wakes to find out he's been had, and son, sometimes we have to learn these things the hard way. 

Thank god for daddy's bank account and also his... guilt. 

Down at the beach, Daphne is wading into the water. 

NO. 

NO. 

NONONONONONO. 

There has been no last-minute miracle. 

There is no slight of hand. 

No last-minute plot twist. 

It's Tanya's body she finds. 

REST IN PEACE YOU INTERNATIONAL ICON. 

I DECLARE THIS AN INTERNATIONAL DAY OF MOURNING. 

via GIPHY

via GIPHY

via GIPHY

Ok, we're at the airport because apparently this show is still going even though the MOST IMPORTANT CHARACTER IN THE HISTORY OF TV HAS BEEN CRUELLY KILLED OFF BEFORE HER TIME??? 

The DeGrassos are still being sleazy boys. 

Portia is working on her disguise. 

Cameron and Daphne are still together????

Ethan and Harper are loved up. 

EACH AND EVERY ONE OF THESE PEOPLE ARE TERRIBLE AND DESERVE EACH OTHER. 

Don't they know true royalty died tonight?

Portia runs into Albie and he tells her that one of the guests drowned at the hotel and they found a bunch of dead bodies on a yacht. 

She's like "oh yeah that's my boss, wanna hook up". 

They exchange numbers. 

Upbeat music plays. 

And.... no. 

This can't be happening. 

DON'T THEY KNOW THAT THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT HAS ENDED? 

We're back in Sicily but no one cares because all around the world strangers are gathering in the street, holding hands, and humming The White Lotus theme. 

Uhhhuhuhuhuhuhuhhhhh (sing it with me now) uhuhuhuhuhuhuhhhhuhhhhhhh

F*ckin' Greg. 

Bring on season three/the moment we all avenge Tanya's death. 

via GIPHY

Keryn Donnelly is Mamamia's Pop Culture Editor. For her weekly TV, film and book recommendations and to see photos of her dog, follow her on Instagram and TikTok.