What do all your exes have in common besides knowing what you look like naked?

Here’s a mental picture guaranteed to do your head in: imagine all your exes and – if you have one – your current partner sitting at a table having dinner together. Would you like a few seconds of thinking music so your brain can fully digest the hypothetical horror? Or is it just me?

The idea raises a few questions. What would your exes have in common? What would they talk about? Would an impartial waiter notice a common physical theme?

I’ve been torturing innocent friends and acquaintances with these questions ever since I had my own rather spectacular evening on Planet Ex a few weeks ago. There I was, having a pre-dinner drink at the bar with a small group of people including my husband when across the room, I noticed a guy I dated more than a decade ago.

Naturally, because life is like that, we were seated at the table next to my ex who was dining with some mutual friends. And naturally – because hell, why not! – on our other side, was an ex of my husband’s who was dining with some other mutual friends. Waiter, more pinot please? And may I have a funnel with that?

As the night progressed, the table-hopping began and at one stage some of the men went outside to check out someone’s new car, my husband and ex among them. This gave me the welcome opportunity to stab myself in the hand with a fork in a desperate bid for mental diversion so I didn’t have to wonder WHAT ON EARTH THEY WOULD BE TALKING ABOUT.

In the aftermath I got thinking about past relationships and how different those guys were from who I ended up with. For many years there, my standards were high, my criteria specific. You couldn’t go out with me unless you owned a bong and were unemployed.

To be fair, most of my exes went on to become fine men. But when they were with me? Utter disaster. This made me wonder. Does everyone have a common thread that runs through their past romantic choices?

“Oh my God, yes,” shrieked a married friend when I asked her. “Every boyfriend was six foot two and had blonde hair and blue eyes and every one of them was bossy. They were all at least ten years older than me and very much like my father. They were all possessive and they all tried to change me in some way.”
And if forced to have dinner together? “They would probably all sit around saying that I was very naughty and how much they’d like to shag my Mum. And then my husband would shoot them all in the kneecaps.”

“Surfing and music would be the common link for all my exes” responded another friend, gagging at the idea of so many people in the same room who knew what she looked like naked. “They all either worked in the music industry or played an instrument. And they all surf. Waves, breaks and offshore winds would cover off the first hour of conversation. Might get awkward after that.”

Another friend found two links between her exes: one physical and one financial. “Yeah, they’d look quite similar, I think. Jewish, handsome, a bit cocky. But the other similarity is that every single one of them was doing well financially, until they started going out with me. Then, for some reason, they lose their job or invest in a bad business…. something to make them lose their money and confidence. Then we break up and they’re suddenly in the money again. I realise it’s not because of me, but it’s getting ridiculous.”

Once you get past the cringe-factor, it can be quite enlightening to think about your exes as a collective. You can learn things about yourself.

“Depression, drug addiction.. they are my common themes,” texted one girlfriend sadly. “Also the fact most go on to marry within months of breaking up with me. Oh dear, I think this conversation is going to push me back into therapy….”

I have a male friend who said the same thing. “If you put them all in the same room, my exes could talk about their weddings. By last count, four of my ex-girlfriends married the next guy they dated after me.” Maybe I should introduce him to my therapy friend. They could date each other briefly and then marry other people immediately.

And this from a friend who managed to work out her own relationship RSI and change course: “My exes would think my husband was from the moon and him likewise. Apart from that male common denominator, sport, they’d have nothing to talk about. For years, I fell into relationships with bad boys who were older than me; guys who were talent wasters, smart but too lazy to do anything with their smarts except intimidate me. But the man I married is the moral equivalent of my father, with the same integrity and honesty that I always admired in a leading man.”

Not everyone could find a link among their exes. At first. Said one committed bachelor about to turn 40: “They’d have very little in common actually except being female, breathing and getting dumped by me. Oh, and they all said something along the lines of “I hope you find what you are searching for” right after we broke up. Well, OK, yes, a pattern emerges…”

The next day he emailed me again. “In the middle of the night I thought of something else they all have in common: Italian shoes (high) and really good lingerie.”

Superb. His exes can discuss La Perla and Sergio Rossi. Mine can workshop fun things to do with an Orchy bottle.

Do your exes have much in common?