"Your vagina is gross. Now buy our product and give us lots of money."

By ROSIE WATERLAND

You may remember a post I wrote a couple of months back detailing the various products you simply MUST be using if you have a vagina. It was called “Got a vagina? You’re doing it wrong.”

It basically outlined the must-have products for vagina owners (because everyone knows that vajayjays be gross and need a LOT of fixing), from Crotch Sweat Liners to Vagina Bleach.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Rosie! Please! There wasn’t enough crap on that list to keep me going! Tell me more about how I’m not looking after my lady-parts properly and what crazy products I should be spending my money on!”

I’m here to help, you guys.

Did I think I would write not one, but two articles about crazy vagina products in my life? No. No, I didn’t. But I’m a serious journalist and when the world decides it needs more products to improve women’s lady-gardens, it’s my job to document it.

So, without further ado, here is Part 2 of Got a Vagina? You’re doing it wrong. (Or, “advertisers have realised they can make heaps of money by convincing women their vaginas are gross.”)

1. Vagina Dye

If you are walking around with a vulva that isn’t a colour named Ginger, Marilyn, Bettie or Audrey, you are doing it wrong.

My New Pink Button “is a temporary dye to restore the youthful pink color back to your labia.” Because HOW DARE YOUR VAGINA NOT BE A YOUTHFUL COLOUR.

So, who needs vagina dye? A lot of people apparently. The line is sold out:

I’m not exactly sure how it works, but this picture indicates that you apply the dye to your box not unlike you would apply shadow to your eyes:

So, is your vagina human colour? That is wrong.

Head to mynewpinkbutton.com ASAP to get on the waiting-list for taint paint.

And if you don’t enjoy the product, at least you can enjoy taking the piss in the product review section:

2. The V-Steam

Please tell me you go to weekly vagina-steaming sessions? You DON’T? Eww. Anyone who doesn’t spend 45 minutes a week sitting naked on a chair having herb-infused steam waft into their twat is obviously doing it wrong.

Based on the ancient Korean practice called chai-yok, The V-Steam is basically like a steam facial for your vag. (Because who doesn’t want to put a pot of boiling water within inches of their special place?)

The chair looks like this:

If you’re really curious to know more, this Youtube video is quite informative:

3. Baby Body Powder

Seriously. This is just baby powder for grown-up vajayjays. To “keep you dry where you need it most, especially on hot days.” Now change that soiled nappy and get powdering.

Have you seen any other weird other vagina products online?