Warning: This post deals with domestic violence and could be triggering for some readers.
A simple test created by a domestic violence counsellor can help women identify an abusive partner.
Rob Andrew, a counsellor with 20 years experience, told the ABC he discovered the tool while talking to a colleague about her relationship.
She told him how her new partner had blown up at her after she had to cancel a date because she was unwell.
“We unpacked this together and realised it was the first time she’d said no,” Andrew said.
This led to Andrew’s creation of the ‘No Test’ – a tool where women watch out for the way their partner responds the first time they change their mind or say no.
“While expressing disappointment is okay, it’s not the same as annoyed. Annoyed is ‘how dare you’, a sign of ownership or entitlement,” Andrew explained.
Many women in these situations will see themselves as part of the problem, he said. They feel responsible because they’re not assertive enough, for being attracted to the ‘wrong men’, for pushing his buttons.
The ‘No Test’ allowed them to see the problem without placing the blame on themselves.
It was, by all means, a simple tool that has proven itself very powerful.
Andrew said he believed helping women to reposition how they see themselves is a more helpful approach than “assertive training”.
“When they start realising the ways in which they’ve resisted, how they’ve held onto hope and dignity, suddenly their eyes light up,” he said.
“We can’t stop the man from abusing them, but if we help the woman to have a different identity description of herself, to start recognising these things, then it’s amazingly helpful to them.”
If this post brings up any issues for you, or if you just feel like you need to speak to someone, please 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732) – the national sexual assault, domestic and family violence counselling service. It doesn’t matter where you live, they will take your call and, if need be, refer you to a service closer to home.
Trump Faces Backlash For Rally Comments About Women
The Quicky
Top Comments
The toll-free # is like a 900# sex line. That is what I got. When I dialed it.
As for the title. It in no way implies, or is directed at a specific sex. That is good until, the picture of a woman. Which implies, only women are abused. But, I guess. By judgment of this article. If a man doesn't have physical bruises, he isn't abused.
A woman is just as capable of emotional/psychological abuse(that includes passive-aggressive behavior), as a man.
Just that, if a man says he is being abused. He is accused of lying. If a woman says she is being abused. She is given 'carte blanche'(blank check), and services w/o being questioned as to the validity of her accusations.
How do you say 'no' to passive aggressive abuse? Once that has set in, the 'no' test is redundant. And it will set in. Once the honeymoon is over its all the things a selfish narcissist or passive aggressive personality DOESN'T DO that causes conflict. So if this 'no' test (NOT 'no test' - totally misleading title by the way) is going to have any application it will need to be in the early stages of a relationship or during the honeymoon phase in the cycle of DV when the abuser is putting their best foot forward and making some effort.
I also think that the most abusive personalities out there will NEVER SHOW ANY TRACE OF NEGATIVE REACTION when they are refused/rejected (ie. when they receive 'no' for an answer). They control this impeccably. No way will they let themselves 'have a tantrum' in front of you. They display appropriate disappointment and make a mental note to get you later when you least expect it. And they will hurt you back (punish you) in stealth confusing ways that leave you reeling while keeping you in by breadcrumbing you just enough. This is narc abuse and it arises because of narc injury.
Only a very young or naive inexperienced budding abuser may be identified by this 'no' test and only in the very early stages or honeymoon phases.
The other issue is that 'narc entitlement rage' and 'unmet need for reassurance anger' can look very similar. So men and women with rejection trauma and emotional dysregulation may be triggered by the 'no' test depending on how and when its undertaken. A person lacking in confidence could suspect the start of being let down gently, and even withdraw, if 'no' is delivered without enough reassurance that it is not that. The other thing is that a selfish narc will do the 'no' test early in the relationship to test for 'co-dependency', ie. will she/he take 'no' well (ingratiatingly appeasing) and not question my arbitrary calls?
In short, this test is of very limited usefulness, and it is ironically true to its name - a NO TEST.