"Something's not right here." At 40, Virginia Courage removed her 10 children from NZ's infamous cult.

Listen to this story being read by Adrienne Tam, here. 

Precisely three years ago, in October 2019, Virginia Courage and her husband David made a very important - and a very painful - decision. They, and their 10 children, were leaving Gloriavale, the secretive religious community they had not only lived in all their lives, but had given their lives to.

Leaving the home they had always known was terrifying.

Staying was even more so.

"It was a very, very difficult day. You know that you're taking your kids away from everything that's been familiar. You’re ending friendships. And you can't even really tell them why. You can tell them general comments, but you really can't explain 20 years of thinking and analysing and saying, 'Something's not right here'," Virginia, 43, told Mamamia.

"From the spiritual aspect as well, you're told that if you go, you're going to hell. That's a huge weight to carry... So that’s always in your mind, just this little niggle, like, what if that's true? What if now that I'm stepping out of Gloriavale, what if I am actually going to lose my Christian faith, what if I’m no longer acceptable to god? What if I am taking my 10 children all to hell with me because of the decision I've made, because I can't live in this place anymore?"

In the end, her fear for her children's safety outweighed everything else. Gloriavale had a history of covering up sexual abuse and predatory behaviour towards young girls and boys - something Virginia knew all too well. She herself had been sexually abused at 13 by a married member of the community.

The tipping point for the decision to leave came when Virginia was called into a meeting after the sexual assault of a nine-year-old girl. Sitting next to the little girl's mother, Virginia shook with rage as leaders told them there had been no indication the child "disapproved of the behaviour" and that she was "very friendly". In other words, it was the little girl's fault she had been molested.

"It's difficult because you have basically reached a point where you feel that no change is going to occur. And there's almost a sadness in that conclusion," Virginia said. "You've held out, you've kept hoping, you've talked to the people that would actually allow you to talk, but nothing, nothing has really changed."

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As soon as Virginia and David decided to leave, they were shunned. One of Virginia's sisters, who she was particularly close to, wouldn't even come through the doorway of the family's room as they packed. [In Gloriavale, several families live in one house, with one large family often confined to a single room.]

"It's instantly the beginning of people choosing a side. And it's difficult because really, when it's between right and wrong, what side should they choose? There's a sadness too because you've grown up there and seen what happens to people when they get to that point in their life. And you know that it's gonna be people that have been really dear to you... they will just turn," she said, tearfully.

"We probably didn't suffer quite as much actual confrontation from members when we left, but I did have a few friends say some really cutting and hurtful things to me. I knew that they weren't actually speaking from their own hearts. In a cult group, people say what they know they have to say to keep themselves safe and protect their family and their children as best they can. Even though you cannot protect your family inside a cult; it is actually an impossible dream."

And that's what Gloriavale is - a cult. On the surface, the religious community appears more like an innocent, almost utopian society with 600 members living happily in the Haupiri Valley on the West Coast of New Zealand. But once you dig a little deeper, the truth is far more insidious.

Founded in 1969 by Australian evangelist Neville Cooper, who renamed himself Hopeful Christian, Gloriavale is controlled by 12 male "Shepherds" who oversee everything in the community. This includes who marries who, who can come and go, and who controls the millions of dollars the cult attains through its businesses - which are staffed by members who do not get paid.

Women and girls do not have a voice in the community, as they are seen as subservient to men. Getting married young is encouraged, as is having large families.

Critically-acclaimed documentary Gloriavale examines the stories of human rights abuse and sexual abuse in the cult, which has sparked a national conversation in New Zealand. Virginia participated in the documentary, along with her brother John, who has also left the community, and her mother Sharon, who still lives in Gloriavale. Legal action has been mounted against Gloriavale's leaders, with multiple cases still working through the NZ courts today.

"When I was in Gloriavale, I was reared in the thinking that I've got to dress a certain way because this is what I've been told to do. And I've got to be obedient, because if I'm not obedient… it just goes into so many different areas. Gloriavale teaches you that people can be perfect and free from sin, and because of the perfectionist doctrine, this leads into a lot of condemnation when you're in there. It leads into a lot of criticisms of other people. And like, 'Why aren’t they keeping the rules?'" Virginia said.

"It also leads into a lot of covering up for sin. Because if you’re teaching your people they can live free from sin, what do they do when they commit a sin? They want to ignore it, they want to hide it."

When she left the community, Virginia understandably withdrew from her faith. She felt vulnerable. Whenever she met up with religious or Christian people, she would measure everything they said. But slowly, her faith has been restored.

"For me, probably the biggest thing was realising that my freedom from sin is because of my claim to Christ. I can't do it myself, I needed Christ to do it for me. And that just gave me such a reassurance and peace, that it doesn't matter where I live. You know, God is almighty and he's powerful. He's not only going to rapture people from the Haupiri Valley on the West Coast," she said.

"It's like Gloriavale has convinced the people there is this magical line around the community boundary, and if you're inside there, you're going to heaven. It's just nonsense. When you start looking at it, logically, that's nonsense. But everyone there believes it. I did when I was there."

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While it was hard at first to set themselves up financially - all their earnings went to Gloriavale so they had no savings when they left - Virginia and David now have a home in Timaru, a city in the South Island of NZ.

Of course, leaving physically is one thing, leaving mentally is another.

"I spent 40 years in their marinating pot. That's all you’ve heard, that's all you've seen, that's all you’ve believed, in a way, and that doesn't come down overnight. There's so many intricate ways that it's actually invaded you as a person and affected your reactions and affected your perception. It's a bit scary sometimes," she said.

"But I would not trade the life that I have now, or that my children have now, even with those things that have been difficult to move through. The freedom and the ability that we have as a family is just so, so nice."

Simple things like going to the beach or taking their kids to a restaurant bring Virginia and her husband great pleasure. She is determined to give her children the life she never had.

"To see my kids flourish and the fact that they're not going to live this life where other people's opinions are going to govern their every single decision... They've got the ability to actually choose. And the choice is not going to have consequences, like removal of family, or the end of a relationship with a parent, or never seeing those friends again. Their choices are always going to still have mum and dad's love and protection and blessing. To me, that's just so huge," she explained.

"One of my girls said to me the other day, 'I want to be a lawyer, and I was like, 'Go for it!'"

Like all girls in Gloriavale, Virginia stopped schooling at 15. She would often wake up between two and five in the morning and work in the kitchen until the evening. Sleep deprivation was seen as normal.

"You're taught that it's good to suffer... it's almost like you'll get to heaven by more suffering and pain. So it kind of doesn't matter if you suffer because, well, suffering is good for the flesh," she said.

"When I was going through the particularly heaviest part of it - I would have been around 13 probably until about 22, 24, that age bracket - I remember walking around just like a zombie. You just get up and you just do your work and you just throw yourself into it and get it over as fast as possible because you knew there was going to be more work. But if you actually got through it that fast, you might be able to have this tiniest little bit of freedom or space.

"It's like you're always living life on the edge. You can't actually just put out that mental and physical capacity year after year without it actually affecting you as a person... You're so tired and you're so overworked and you have so little time for yourself. I cannot believe that I even worked that life. I don't know how I even physically kept up. It just blows my mind now."

Gloriavale community members. Image: Supplied. Thankfully, these days Virginia's life looks a lot different to the one she had inside Gloriavale. Every morning she wakes up, puts on the kettle, has a cup of coffee, and takes a moment to just breathe.

And she thinks about everyone left behind in the community - including five of her 11 siblings, and her parents.

"They just do not know what life could even be for them. And yet they’re told in there, and this is some of Gloriavale's sneaky programming, they're actually told in there how good their life is. They’re told publicly that they've got an amazing life. They’re told that they’re looked after, they’re told they’re cared for. And when you've heard those over so many years, you believe it," Virginia said.

"The freedom of others; that's what I live for. My belief is still that I will be reunited with the rest of my family that’s in there. I do believe that they will actually have their minds opened one day, and they will come out.

"In a way, hope is all we’ve ever got to hold on to."

Meet the filmmakers at special Q&A screenings from October 22 or watch Gloriavale in select cinemas nationally from November 3. More information on the documentary can be found here.

Feature Image: Gloriavale.