Be kind to your kids, because one day, they will write your obituary.
That’s the lesson that everyone is learning from a notice published in a small-town US newpaper. Kathleen Dehmlow died last year in Springfield, Minnesota. Her obituary ran in the Redwood Falls Gazette.
It began with all the normal details – born Kathleen Schunk in 1938, married Dennis Dehmlow in 1957, had two children, Gina and Jay. Then it went on:
“In 1962 she became pregnant by her husband’s brother Lyle Dehmlow and moved to California. She abandoned her children, Gina and Jay, who were then raised by her parents in Clements, Mr and Mrs Joseph Schunk.
“She passed away on May 31, 2018 in Springfield and will now face judgement. She will not be missed by Gina and Jay, and they understand that this world is a better place without her.”
Ouch.
A relative has spoken up in Dehmlow’s defence. Dwight Dehmlow, who didn’t want to specify his relationship to the deceased, said the facts in the obituary were true, but there was “a lot of stuff that is missing”.
“The sad thing about this is there is no rebuttal,” the Star Tribune quotes him as saying.
“There is more to it than this. It’s not simple… She made a mistake 60 years ago, but who hasn’t? Has she regretted it over the years? Yes.”
The obituary quickly went viral on social media.
On Tuesday, the newspaper removed the online version from its website. Before that, comments were generally kind to Dehmlow.
“The good Lord loves you more than anyone else ever could,” wrote one person, according to USA Today. “You are in Heaven now with your Saviour. R.I.P.”
Mark Anfinson, lawyer for the Minnesota Newspaper Association, told the Star Tribune that this kind of “trashing” doesn’t happen very often, but it’s not illegal.
However, Steve Yaeger, chief marketing officer for the Star Tribune, said they would have never run that obit.
“And yes, obituaries are sometimes rejected or sent back to the family or funeral home for changes,” he added.
Gina and Jay have made their point. They’ve got their revenge. Everybody knows they have been hurt, that their mum had an affair and left them. But ultimately, do they come out of this looking good?
Top Comments
I'm trying to look at this from an angle that paints both parties in the best possible light, and I still can't see why her two oldest children aren't in the right writing this obituary. It simply conveys the facts as they see it, there is no slander or anything involved.
That being said, we're talking about the 1960's, she had an affair and was deemed a home wrecker. She was most likely shunned by the whole town and all or most of her family, so moving was probably the only viable option.
It doesn't say if her husband's brother moved with her, or whether there was a divorce and they eventually got married, but not all men are fine raising other men's offspring, especially not in those days. So she might have thought them being raised by their grandparents was for the best.
Said grandparents may also have been so disappointed in their daughter that they passed on their general dislike for her to the kids, never really reflecting on what made her leave. If their father was around, he probably didn't hold their mother in very high regard either.
Still, for her first two kids, nothing can really make up for the fact that they were abandoned and they are very much entitled to their feelings.
They're not children anymore. Acting out in pubic might get them attention, but it's not a substitute for the therapy they clearly need if they're still harbouring resentment and feel the need to air their grievances in such a display. And, just for the record, presenting "the facts as they see it" can indeed be considered slander if those "facts" are subjective interpretations and incorrect.
The 'facts' have been corroborated by the relative, and are not in dispute. I see this as a simple case of "you reap what you sow"!!!
They probably don't care if they've come out "looking good". Writing this was likely very cathartic for them. I refuse to judge them for that.
I had a family member die and he was not a nice person at all. It made me feel almost sick to hear everyone lionising him after he died. I was able to let it go...but he wasn't my parent and his wrongs were mostly not anything to do with me. If they had been, I can imagine being tempted to write something like this. I don't know if I would or if I'd go so far as to have it published...but I can imagine doing it.