'Men have matched with me just to call me fat.' What it's like on Tinder as a plus-size woman.

Tinder has been around for a decade now, and as a plus-size woman and someone who has spent so much of my 20s on the app, I must admit it's really helped my self-esteem.

I’ve been in a relationship with Tinder far longer than I’ve been with any man. While I’m not on Tinder anymore because I have a boyfriend, I’ve used the app so much that it has been the tool that has shaped my dating history, and if this relationship doesn’t work out, I’ll be right back to swiping.

While you're here, watch the horoscopes try virtual dating. Story continues after video.

I joined Tinder when people used to lie about being on Tinder. See, a lot can happen in a decade! 

There used to be this idea that if you downloaded Tinder, you must be desperate. It’s funny because now online dating is the norm; it would be more newsworthy if one of my single friends weren’t on a dating app. 

When I was first on the app, I wouldn’t dare admit it to anyone, and now I’d happily even announce it to my boss.

Still, despite spending so much of my twenties downloading, deleting, and then downloading Tinder again, I have mixed feelings about Tinder as a plus-size woman. 

I love it sometimes as much as I hate it. Yes, it’s made me feel better about myself, but it has also opened me up to plenty of abuse and ridicule.  

I’ve had men match with me just to call me “fat!”, and that is always hard to swallow. 

I’ve had guys message me and completely fetishize my body or start a chat by saying, “I’ve always wanted to sleep with a big girl!” 

That stuff is hard, and it’s frustrating that being plus-size often opens me up to some really sh*tty behaviour.

Plus, when you are on a dating app you are already feeling vulnerable enough without someone sliding into your messages to insult you. 

Think about it; when you’re on an app and using photos to attract a romantic partner, you are putting yourself out there! So, it’s heartbreaking if someone mocks or hurls insults at you. But I also understand that so many of my mates that aren’t plus size have experienced the same kind of online bullying. So, perhaps it isn’t an exclusively plus-size issue and just a larger issue of online dating.

Still despite the perils of Tinder we hear about so often, it was also a place that initially boosted my confidence. It made me realise that all types of men were attracted to me and got me out of that mindset that being plus-size meant I wasn’t attractive to men, in general. 

When you are plus-size, the world can make you feel unattractive. 

You don’t see your body represented by actresses in movies or in modelling campaigns. You don’t even hear it described in romantic novels. So, when I first joined Tinder, I felt so unattractive. 

The affirmation of getting matches made me realise that while popular culture was telling me I wasn’t attractive, plenty of men were thrilled to tell me I was attractive. Obviously, other people’s affirmation isn’t everything. But I won’t pretend it wasn’t crucial in building my confidence. Tinder opened me up to casual dating and casual sex, and I’ve learnt small-talk skills, which I now use daily in my work life.

That’s the thing about Tinder. It offers you the best and worst of times. One minute you’ll be vibing with a really hot stranger, and then next, you’ll be in a panic because you’ve received a totally gross message. I don’t think anyone can ignore that Tinder has its downside but I also don’t think I can overlook how helpful I’ve found it.

Listen to The Undone where Emily and guest host Emma discuss how to create an authentic profile and the red flags to watch out for when using dating apps. Story continues below.

Despite the evident flaws of Tinder, I’m grateful it exists. It has been the place I’ve headed to after every bad break-up or situation-ship dissolving. It’s where I’ve got my confidence back through pointless conversations with men, met boyfriends and hook-ups, and it has often helped me regain my confidence.

I know it’s easy to give Tinder a bad wrap, but as a plus-size woman, it was a vital tool in learning to love myself and realising I am worthy of romance, desire and interest.

 Surprisingly, Tinder taught me to swipe right on myself.

Feature Image: Instagram @maryrosem.

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