Tiny designer shoes and too many nappies: The 7 useless baby items I regret buying during my pregnancy.

Ah, pregnancy. It’s the one time in your life you have carte blanche (I mean metaphorically, not literally, please don’t spend all your money) to buy anything you want under the guise of "needing it for the baby".

I am not here to burst your bubble. If you’d like to buy any of the things on this list, then you should of course do so. I only want to let you know the places where I probably could have saved my cash, so that you might choose to do the same, and buy something for yourself instead. (Oh, go on. You’re about to save so much money! You’ve earned it!).

1. Designer baby clothing in size 000.

Well hello there, and welcome to "I had to buy it because it’s like a big person shoe BUT TEENY TINY," Anonymous! 

I get it: baby shoes are ridiculous. It is impossible to walk past a small version of, say, an adult RM Williams boot and not think that you need to purchase it immediately for the low, low price of $149. This happens to the best of us (me). But friends, unless your baby needs a smart-casual outfit to wear to their office job as a marketing executive - in which case, be my guest, the RMs are an excellent choice, very on-trend - they will probably not get much wear out of these. Because they cannot walk. Do you see where I’m going with this?

I’m sorry to say that this also goes for little tiny Hugo Boss suits, pint-sized Camilla onesies, adorable mini tutus and itsy-bitsy Ralph Lauren polos. There is a special rule that all new parents know to be true, which goes like this: If it cost more than $15, it will get vomited and/or pooed on immediately. It is surprising how often it is both! Aren’t you just so excited for the arrival of your bundle of joy?

Once you learn about the vomit/poo rule, you will never dare put any of your fancy little clothing on your baby ever again, so it will sit in the back of the cupboard until they turn 22 and you finally admit defeat and donate it to Vinnies. Trust me, it would be so much simpler if you never owned it in the first place.

Watch: Sean Szeps shares how you can have the most stylish baby in the park. Post continues after video.

2. Approximately one billion newborn-size nappies.

There’s an interesting phenomenon that happens in the late stages of pregnancy. It starts around the beginning of the second trimester and grows and grows until, by the time the early stages of labour arrive, it is all-consuming. The crux of this phenomenon is a mistaken belief that, from the minute of your baby’s birth, you will never be able to purchase any item ever again, most likely because every single shop in the country and perhaps the world has shut its doors for an unspecified amount of time but probably forever.

Reader, please allow me to put your mind at rest: the world really does keep turning once the baby comes. It is possible - nay, dare I say, preferable - to hold off buying some things until such time as you actually need them. There is no need to go full zombie-apocalypse-hoarder. You’re going to scare the baby, who will wonder why their home is unlivable, filled as it is with a tower upon a tower of green Huggies boxes.

Now, I am not trying to tell you that you won’t need a billion nappies. You will need a billion nappies! You just don’t have to have them all already in your house at the exact minute your baby is born. Babies can only wear one nappy at a time! It is sufficient to know that nappies are available for purchase any time of the day or night at every supermarket and pharmacy in your state, and, failing that, for same-day delivery on Amazon. Take a deep breath and repeat after me: I have already pre-purchased enough nappies.

3. Cute nursery knick-knacks that look adorable (but will end up in the bin).

Oh, Instagram nursery tours! You have led me astray so many times (and yet I am, naturally, still obsessed with you).

In the spirit of creating a perfect sanctuary for my baby, I invested in some absolute utter nonsense, including but not limited to candles (??) and pot plants (????). If you do not wish to set your house on fire in the middle of the night after your screaming newborn kicks over a pot full of soil onto your new cream rug (???????) then I implore you to adhere to the "less is more" approach to decoration. 

If you need it to change a nappy, then it is welcome on the change table! If you do not - if, for example, it is a small replica birdcage filled with well-wishes from friends and baby that you received at your baby shower - then you may like to keep it elsewhere, in a different room, where it will not end up stashed in the nappy bin after someone (me) mistakes it for a bottle of hand sanitiser in the dark and furiously loses their temper.

4. Organisational systems that require any upkeep at all.

Hello, my name is Zoe. I was the victim of a vicious online scam (fine, another Instagram nursery tour) which convinced me I could keep my baby’s clothes rolled in neat rows so long as I purchased some expensive drawer dividers. 

Ha! Ha ha! Hahahahaha! Considering that I can’t keep my own (adult) drawers organised, and that I only wear one (perhaps two) changes of clothes a day, I have simply no concept of why I thought I could keep my baby’s (baby) drawers organised, when he wears four (perhaps 29) changes of clothes a day. It is astonishing that I fell for this. I can only blame hormones.

Any "organisational" system that requires baby clothes to be folded, rolled or shaped into little Origami swans is a joke, and also an insult. Please accept now that you won’t be able to maintain this system and remove the expensive drawer dividers from your cart.

5. Muslins.

Hey, nothing against muslins! They’re handy in a number of situations, including as swaddles in summer, as burp cloths, as modesty shields while breastfeeding in public, etc etc, etc. They are super useful, which is why everyone tells you to buy them, which is why you will end up with 4,906 of them. 

At a conservative estimate, you probably need three, and you will receive all of these as gifts, so you don’t have to buy ANY! Do you hear me? NONE! I MEAN IT! PUT DOWN THE MUSLINS AND BACK AWAY SLOWLY! 

6. A dedicated "baby food maker".

I get it - there’s a lot of information out there about starting solids, and a bunch of it involves making your own purees, and a good portion of that suggests you need some kind of magic contraption that costs hundreds of dollars. This is untrue. A little-known fact about baby food is that it is extremely similar to adult food, because it is... food. 

However you plan to start solids with your baby, you already have all the kitchen implements necessary to make it happen, for example: a saucepan, and a blender, and a spoon. If you, like me, have precisely zero bench space in your kitchen, then you, like me, do not need some guy who is essentially just another food processor hogging the countertop. Spend the money you save on a very nice bottle of wine, and then drink it quickly (to save bench space). (I’m just looking out for you).

Listen to The Baby Bubble where Zoe Marshall shares the baby products she can't live without. Post continues after podcast.

7. Personalised baby milestone cards.

I’m going to approach this last one gently, because I know it might hurt: 

You will forget to use these. 

They will languish, ignored, in the bottom of a drawer, forever. 

Any amount of money you spend on them is too much.

Now is probably a good time to open that wine.

What baby items do you regret buying? Share your thoughts in the comments section below.

Feature Image: Supplied.