After reading 'Ejaculate Responsibly', I asked my husband about his two unplanned kids.

Most women know the fear of worrying whether we’re pregnant or not after unprotected sex. Is the solution to ask men to ejaculate more responsibly? Writer and designer Gabrielle Blair thinks it is. She addresses it head on in her new controversial book released last week, called (in more of a command than a question): Ejaculate Responsibly.

It’s a name that grabs attention and it certainly grabbed mine. 

Her book triggered a discussion between my husband and me about something we rarely talk about: his own–well, I guess there’s a straightforward way to put this thanks to Blair–irresponsible ejaculations. 

Watch: The Basics Of Sexual Consent. Story continues after the video.

Married to a case study. 

“I just saw a new book about how men cause unwanted pregnancies,” I blurted as I entered the bedroom.

My husband was getting ready for bed. As someone with past experience with unwanted pregnancies, I was curious what his reaction would be. 

My husband had two children to two different mothers in his early 20s. One pregnancy was a surprise after a bad on-and-off relationship had ended, and the other was the product of a one-night stand. 

“The author was saying if men were more responsible with their ejaculations, there wouldn’t be unwanted pregnancies,” I explained. 

He shrugged in agreement. “I mean, that’s how I got two kids, so yeah, pretty much.”

He adores both of his children, but it hasn’t been easy. There have been difficult custody battles where he had to fight to see his kids, long periods of conflict, and endless co-parenting problems. He’d never want his kids to feel unwanted, but there are times he regrets not using a condom.  

As we talked, a protest popped up in my mind. I’m sure it’s the same one most people have when they talk about pregnancy: it takes two.

Surely the women could’ve used birth control if they didn’t want to get pregnant? Or just said “no condom, no sex”. 

My husband is not a pushy guy, so I don’t know why they didn’t in his case, but I know too well myself why many women end up having unprotected sex.   

The power balance is off. 

I lost my virginity at 21. I was religious and never wanted a one-night stand and so I didn’t think I needed to plan for one. It happened anyway with an older, much more experienced man after a few drinks at a party. He knew what he wanted and the whole thing progressed quite fast and unexpectedly, barely consensually. I didn’t realise until afterwards he hadn’t used a condom. 

Thankfully, I didn’t get pregnant. But if I had, I’ve often wondered who was more responsible. I wasn’t on birth control because, perhaps naively, I wasn’t intending to have sex until I was married. (Later I found, like many women, that hormonal birth control wasn’t straightforward and had a lot of negative side effects.) 

I knew about condoms but, with my lack of experience at 21, just assumed he was using one. 

I found out later he was a huge player. Clearly, he didn’t care where his sperm landed and how many unwanted pregnancies it caused. In his mind, that wasn’t his problem. 

Even in consensual sex, there is still often a power imbalance. Saying no or insisting on protection isn’t always easy for women to do for several reasons–even for committed or married couples. With the act of stealthing added in, where men sneak the condom off mid-sex (which is illegal in four jurisdictions in Australia now), it’s easy to agree with Blair’s argument that unprotected sex lands more on the man’s shoulders. 

Not your typical abortion debate. 

What I found interesting is Blair doesn’t enter the standard for-or-against abortion argument. She sneaks around the side and throws a whole new perspective into the mix–one we can discuss regardless of which side of the abortion debate we sit. 

Blair wants to shift the debate away from control and rule-making around women’s bodies. Pregnancy, and preventing pregnancy, has historically been a women’s issue and Blair would like to see that flipped. In her opinion, men are 99 per cent responsible for all unwanted pregnancies. 

“We’ve put the burden of pregnancy prevention on the person who is fertile for 24 hours a month, instead of the person who is fertile 24 hours a day, every day of their life,” she writes in her introduction. 

My brain instantly came up with several more protests, perhaps yours does too, but it makes you think–have we been programmed for so long to think of birth control as a women’s responsibility we haven’t considered alternatives? 

His vs. Hers Birth Control. 

Long-term birth control for women works most of the time, but it can also be a real headache–literally. Finding one that’s effective for you, manageable with your lifestyle (not one you’ll forget to take!), and without too many side effects can be a challenge. 

Condoms on the other hand, are 98 per cent effective and the only birth control that protects against sexually transmitted infections. 

True, it doesn’t feel quite like unprotected sex–although in one study, men who used condoms still rated their pleasure at around 4 out of 5. So it’s not “unpleasurable”. And there are some whisper-thin products now. There are also new condoms coming out that can even make sex feel better.  

Listen to Before the Bump, on this episode, Dr. Sonja Jessup joins us to answer those awkward ejaculation questions. Story continues below.

The men in one new condom trial said “the condom felt 'natural' during sex and that sex with the condom felt “a lot better” than condomless sex.”

Blair points out that vasectomies are 99 per cent effective and a great option too. If men know they don’t want children, a vasectomy is a fairly painless, quick, and long-lasting solution.

I disagree with Blair that all men should get vasectomies when they’re ready to be sexually active though. It’s not a perfect birth control option for younger men. Vasectomies are usually reversible, but not always.

100 per cent responsible?

In our conversation, my husband was happy to take the blame for his irresponsible ejaculations. He knows he was being young and dumb–there were huge consequences and it changed his life and his plans. 

It’s pretty obvious to say “Without sperm there’d be no babies”, but I’m not sure I would go as far as Blair does and say men are 100% or even 99% responsible for all unwanted pregnancies. It’s an argument that some say is problematic and misleading in its simplicity. 

One critic of Blair’s argument said it “grossly ignores Biology 101. A woman’s ovaries are not passively waiting for ejaculation to penetrate her egg.”

Another says: 

“The mathematical corollary to a man being 100% responsible for an unplanned pregnancy is that a woman bears no responsibility even if she prefers sex without a condom herself and urges her partner not to wear one. “

Valid point: people are complicated and there are situations where both parties willingly choose to have unprotected sex. A German study showed unwanted pregnancies happened for several reasons–failure with the Knaus-Ogino method or calendar method was the main reason at 39.2 per cent.     

But I do think the book pushes the responsibility talk somewhere towards a more balanced one. It’s been all about women for too long. It’s more than fair to ask men to step up and think more carefully about their next ejaculation and its consequences. 

Feature Image: Getty. 

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