real life

'I was sick of my mother-in-law playing the victim, so I did something drastic.'

As a quiet and practical minded introvert, marrying into a family where the women tend to be dramatic, loud and needy has come with some challenges.

Don't get me wrong, there's a lot to love about them, but sometimes it's difficult to access those parts when almost every encounter with them involves a tornado of chaos born from one — or all — of them dealing with the fallout from their latest poor decision.

My mother-in-law, in particular, has perfected the art of being a victim, and my sisters-in-law are following suit. Even the tiniest grievance or inconvenience can be spun into a saga of immense proportions, with loved ones recruited to their side so often that they have become almost indoctrinated to want to jump in and rescue these women from situations that, usually, don't require interference.

My husband and I have had to develop ways to navigate this in our marriage. We've had dates interrupted, events ruined, quiet nights turned on their heads, holidays disrupted… all from the neediness of the women in his family.

Pretty early on they realised that I wasn't one to be recruited. I'm an empathetic person, but I read The Boy Who Cried Wolf and this broad ain't buying that every. single. thing. that happens to you is somebody else's fault.

Watch: The Motherish Confessions: The worst thing your in-laws have done. Post continues after video.


Video via Mamamia.
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It's hard to watch my husband get sucked into the vortex of drama, even though, more often than not, I am able to gently guide him to another perspective on the sometimes toxic situations that he's being recruited into.

They know this and they hate this. Venting their rage with thinly veiled, passive aggressive social media posts.

At first I just unfollowed their pages. We remained 'friends' but I didn't get dragged into the comment thread rabbit holes under their latest rants. This worked for a while but it didn't stop them coming onto my pages, trying to turn innocent situations into soap operas.

A sweet post of my kindy boy sleeping in the car after pick-up during his second week of 'big school' was enough to send them into a tailspin.

"What's happening at school? Why is he so tired? Is he being bullied? Have you spoken to the teacher?" asked my MIL. "Poor little thing."

"That's not right," chimed in my sister-in-law. "You need to have a meeting with the Principal, he shouldn't be so tired. What are they making him do? Is someone taking his lunch? Is he getting enough food?"

I'd post a photo from a rare night out with girlfriends, only to be met with: "Geez, things have changed since I was a mum with young kids. No cocktails for me. We were lucky to be able to drink a cup of tea while it was warm. You look nice though, is that a new dress? I thought you were saving?"

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Managing their communications on my pages was exhausting. If I ignored them they'd go to my husband. If I responded it would never end.

I talked it out with my husband and suggested that, for my own mental health, I'd like to make my social media pages an in-law free zone. He was scared the fallout would be too dramatic but I was adamant that this was something that I needed to do.

If I 'unfriended' them they would not be able to see and comment on every single thing I ever posted, which would free up some of the mental load I bore from dealing with their communications. He and I agreed that there were certain updates about the kids that they should be able to see, so I promised to tag him in anything like that, that way they'd be able to view and engage with that content on his pages.

Listen: Why Mother-In-Law Relationships Can Be High Drama. Post continues after podcast.

I did it quietly without an announcement, but they noticed immediately and, true to form, the reaction was huge. Straight to worst case scenario: Are we getting a divorce? Are we cutting ties with them? Do I never want to speak with them ever again? Am I keeping the children from them?

Other family members and close friends, who this had nothing to do with, were recruited into the battle.

I stood my ground and explained that I loved them, but that this was just a boundary put in place to help me manage my social media and the time that I spend on it. We would still be spending just as much physical time with them, which was a lot, but in cyber space I was taking some time for myself.

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They were hurt, and I get it. They don't react well to boundaries and it took them a while to process that this was not a wall they could just barge on through, but eventually they stopped pushing on it.

The benefits were immediate. I was no longer as exhausted by them. Previously I dreaded our weekend catchups because I'd already been dealing with them all week. Now I was going in fresh. The time that we spend together is so much less toxic and we enjoy each other's company so much more.

Previously I would dread the thought of them tagging along to the kids' sports or school events as I was just so drained by their energy. These days I'm not only inviting them but going for coffee afterwards.

What I've learned is that not every single person in your life needs to have access to 100 percent of you all the time. I've culled my online circle so much since my experience with my in-laws and the benefits to my mental health and, in turn, my relationships has been overwhelming.

My advice if you plan on doing this is tread gently, but stand your ground. Protecting your space is going to reap you rewards you might never have imagined possible. Try it!

Feature Image: Getty.

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