Hi. My name is Emma and I like to watch people at the gym. Creep, I know.
I dislike the gym – not hate, but dislike. But I must go. Because I’m not a rockstar with a trendy haircut and designer workout wear who has a personal chef to whip up tantalising gluten-free, macrobiotic, organic, portion-balanced meals to accompany my two hour-long, PT-guided FIIT sessions in my big backyard.
I like to sometimes purchase a block of Milky Bar and eat half of it while sitting in the lounge room of my one-bedroom flat, and then coax myself to go to my increasingly crowded and sweat-pooled local gym where the ceiling is way too low and the air con has been broken for months.
These are my realities. I accept them.
But at my gymnasium – even if it is built of faults – I can discreetly indulge in my people-watching habit. Practice makes perfect and consequently, I have become very, very good at reading human beings, sussing out their deal, and categorising them into certain cliques. (Post continues after video.)
My dividing has happened whilst cycling on the stationary bike, or on the treadmill where I plod along at 11km/hr thinking that one day, I’ll miraculously run a four-minute mile. I won’t.
Here’s a tour of my gym – complementary, of course.
1. The Workout Couple
Couples who exercise together stay together? Whatever. You make me ill. Do it by yourself. And stop giving each other congratulatory pecks on the lips after you’ve finished your three sets of shoulder press reps. Just STOP.
2. Women who wear those gloves
If you are going to become a body builder and bicep curl 15kg, wear those gloves, love. No one wants blisters. But you, the svelte and attractive 35-year-old in the cute running shorts and pink racer-back singlet – you, my friend, do not need them for your load. No you do not. And you won’t pick up guys with them either. They are a repellent. (Post continues after gallery.)
3. The Shredding Bros
Categorised by deep tans, a perplexing array of non-matching tattoos, and those cotton singlets with photos of hazy naked chicks on the front and the deep armpit holes. They spot each other, count each other’s reps, and drink protein shakes together.
You bros can stay. Because you actually have pretty good muscles. And you make me laugh.