Women being frozen alive by sexist air-conditioning units.

Watch out, ladies.

If things feel a little frosty in your office today, it’s not just because of the photocopier incident at last Friday’s work drinks. We have it on good authority that the air-conditioning units in your office are actually trying to freeze you out.

Just when you thought the war on sexism was over with our very own female bathrooms, skirt suits, and paid maternity leave; we’re being attacked again… but this time through the vents. Your office air-conditioning, specifically.

According to a study by the journal Nature Climate Change, automated air-conditioning temperatures are set according to a whizz-bang formula called FANGERS THERMAL COMFORT EQUATION:

PMV = [0.303e^-0.036M + 0.028]{(M – W) – 3.96E^-8ƒ_cl[(t_cl + 273)⁴ – (t_r + 273)⁴] – ƒ_clh_c(t_cl – t_a) – 3.05[5.73 – 0.007(M – W) – p_a] – 0.42[(M – W) – 58.15] – 0.0173M(5.87 – p_a) – 0.0014M(34 – t_a)}

Ah, yes. But of course.

For those of you not fluent in Mensa-level algebra, the above formula equates to the ideal temperature for a 40-year-old man who weighs around 70kg.

Which, in the 1960s when this formula was developed, was like… everyone. My, what a utopia. Vast offices of tiny, middle-aged men, in short sleeved business shirts, enjoying a temperature created just for them.

But in today’s mad, mad world, there are actually real life women in the workplace, gripping their cashmere cardigans tightly and clutching their pearls as they shiver incessantly due to the air-con temps being set at 35% colder than what is healthy for their bodies.

The study has urged corporations to “reduce gender-discriminating bias in thermal comfort”.

YES, THAT’S RIGHT.

Your innocent office air-conditioning is a goddamn sexist pig. It’s a man air-con, run by men, here to make you so freezing cold that you will run home to the kitchen and mop your tears with your apron and swear to never try and work with the big boys ever again.

Primary concerns re. sexist air-cons include:

– contribution to global warming thanks to unnecessary air-con usage.

– women wrapping themselves in blankets like burritos.

– sexist and outdated views of office ventilation and air-conditioning systems.

In my office, I’m the air-conditioning MASTER. I hold the control of the air-conditioning remote, and rule it with an iron first. If I’m a bit clammy after walking up the hill to work in the morning, I’ll blast the cool air. If I’m feeling a bit chilly after jumping out to get a coffee, I’ll crank the gale-force heat. I care not for complaints from my co-workers, nor medical warnings about my dangerously careening body temperatures. I. AM. THE AIR-CON. MASTER.

And seriously? This study had obviously never worked in a predominantly female office before – because let me tell you, a cranky women who is having her cute seasonal outfits challenged by the office air-conditioning temperature is not one you want to mess with.

Sexist air-con unit, or not.

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